The Good Name of Rok ???

The good news: I've finally nailed down terms of my divorce from my soon-to-be ex-wife, Felchyana. The bad news: We elected a war-hungry idiot for president, not once, but twice.

But I suppose that bit of news is hardly news, and certainly doesn't have a place in this column about my own troubles. There is more bad news, that does concern me. Felchyana's only request in the divorce settlement is she gets custody of my last name. Not simply co-custody, as you see in many divorces, but sole custody. I have to give up the name Finger! Can you believe that? Why would anyone not divorcing a cold-blooded shrill Russian viper give up a good, solid name like Finger? I can't imagine any circumstance. Except my own.

I'm backed into a corner, and it's full of piranha. Piranha that can fly through the air and still eat me, so don't think I'm talking floppy, panicked fish. I have no choice but to give up my name to Felchyana (or Felchyana Finger, as all the hot-to-trot bachelors will soon be calling her). I'm too much in love with my betrothed-slash-business consultant Ginger Baker to think of not divorcing Felchyana.

Sure, if I had time to spare, I could simply move back in with Felchyana and let nature do its work. She'd be signing over both her names to me then, just to be granted the sweet relief of divorce! But I don't have the time to let my personality do the dirty work for me. I have to get divorced by June, or Ginger is going to slip right through my fingers. Damn! Do I have to stop referring to those parts of my body, too? I never considered the extent of this wicked trap.

I can't even think of my digits now, though. I have to worry about losing the reputation I've attached to my name over the years. There are upsides, no doubt—I should be able to eat at a Shoney's once more. And likewise, that Best Western ban should lose all its power. But what about my checks? I designed all those checks on my pajamas to spell out "Rok Finger," is that all to go to waste? And I might have trouble getting paid as well. Let us not forget either that the very name of this column would be in jeopardy. "Giving You the Feinstein" doesn't have the effect I have with my current moniker.

Seems like sad prospects for yours truly, and myself. But I shouldn't forget what the Buddhists say. I can't understand it, since it's all in foreign-ese, but a friend once translated that all bad things are just positive things waiting for the sun to shine on a dog's ass, or something to that effect. I get my Buddhist bits of wisdom easily confused. But I think somewhere in there is the concept that a bad thing can be a doorway to a good thing. Meaning I might be able to make this name change thing work for me.

For instance, if I changed my name to Rok Bagel, I bet some doors would probably open for me around here. Half of those doors might lead to angry creditors, but I'm hardly losing anything in the bargain. If I changed my name to Rok Dreck I might well start receiving copies of The Anarchist's Encyclopedia. For that matter, I could change Lee's name to Lee Nacutchacokov and never have to worry about seeing him ever again. That's an interesting thought.

But focusing on the positive, Finger has always been a name that's served me well, but there's better out there. More macho. How's Rok Stonewall sound to you? No? Well, get used to it. You come back in 30 days, wimpy 48-pound weakling Rok Finger might be gone forever, replaced by the muscle-bound, fearless Rok Stonewall. In fact, I think I'm convinced. Come back next month for Giving You the Stonewall.

Now that I think about it, Rok Stonewall doesn't bow to penny-ante bigamy laws. I just might marry two women.

Satellite Killed the Radio Stars
You may have read about my A.M. radio station and the hostile buyout Clear Channel is attempting. But of course I have other problems to worry about, so that's just the pus-filled boil on the sore foot. Which is a nasty version of the "icing on the... (4/18/05)

Match of the Century
I've had a few money-making harebrained schemes in my day, but you good people know it's not my usual style. I'm not about making a quick buck, I'm about doing irrational things with little or no prep time. Still, if I can make a few dollars with a... (4/4/05)

Pretty Big O' Me
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't mean to shock you out of your pants (particularly you fatties), but I've got the most shocking news to report: Apparently I, Rokwell T. Finger, have been married for a while already. I'm not defecating with you. Nor... (3/21/05)

Ol' Lee Loves Chachi
In all the other hubbub since the year began, I may have forgotten to mention my old bassist roommate Lee returned. He arrived shortly after Christmas, when his plan to storm Tokyo with techno rock failed miserably. It's okay, though, because he has... (3/7/05)