Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, America. What? I don't know, I assumed you had some kind of tobacco handy. Way to let us all down. I thought you might at least have some of that green plastic Easter-basket grass. Cancer? Yeah, that would probably give you cancer. Probably best to use a filter in than instance, or just don't inhale for too long. That's my position. Yeah, I know that's not how they smoke it in Chernobyl, but if I were you I wouldn't be taking any health-based advice from people who just don't give a shit any more. Now that we've got Roland McShyster's Pipe-Smoking Corner out of the way for this edition, let's take a swipe at this week's new releases, shall we?

In Theaters Now:

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The most recent product of Sony's boutique Misguided Films division, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a strangely detailed look at what prospective hitchhikers should know about the Ford Galaxy, an extremely ugly "classic" car that hasn't been in production since 1969. Some have wondered at the usefulness of such a film, given that any given hitchhiker is extremely unlikely to ever even ride in a Galaxy, but these are the critics that don't understand art. Art doesn't always have to have a "useful" purpose, guys, as long as it tells us something about ourselves. And this film most certainly does. With its painfully detailed accounting of every last detail about this mid-60's shitbox, including handy tips on how to bail out of a Galaxy at high speeds and where the door lock override is, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy stands in as a metaphor for life itself. Now I can only hope it does well enough to inspire the production of a sequel like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Chevy Malibu, since that's what I drive and as a matter of principle I always like to keep one step ahead of hitchhikers.

Kingdom of Heathens
Boy oh boy am I tired of Muslim filmmakers producing these giant Hollywood blockbusters that perpetuate the stereotype of America as the white devil trying to enslave the entire world and yadda yadda yadda. Sure, the message seems convincing when the bullets and karate kicks are flying all around and some evil white motherfucker is dealing out the oppression like a croupier on amphetamines, and he'd totally crush the spines of righteous if it weren't for Orlando Bloom in tanface (why is it always Orlando Bloom?) stepping in and representing for Allah. Yawn. I've never been one for political correctness, or correctness of any persuasion, but this crap is boring and old, and it hurts. It's because of movies like this that the youth of the world is corrupted into thinking that all white people want to steal their resources and piss in their water, when in actuality it's only a very small percentage of the wealthiest Americans who even have the means to pull off those kinds of antics.

xXx: State of the Union
Ice Cube farts up the screen as an unlikely Civil War general dead set on defeating the South through the use of show-stopping, big budget stunts and explosions in this latest hunk of Hubba Bubba to flop out of Hollywood's chaw box. There are high points, sure, like the scene where Cube jumps his horse over a barbed-wire fence and the horse does an entire back flip in mid-air, or the one where he has to lay the horse down at a high rate of speed and ride it like a surf board, all the while firing and reloading two powder muskets at once, so I'm not saying there's no reason to see this movie. There's just no reason to pay to see this movie, when you can just download the trailer for those two scenes or hang out in Best Buy until it comes on one of their giant hydrogen-gas big screen TVs.

Whew, that was a workout. Not the column, I just ran downstairs to get some pickles out of the refrigerator. Nobody ever stocks the commune refrigerator with decent pickles, but those Crochet! guys, man. They know their dill from a hole in the ground. Of course, getting down there and back is a little like a mini version of the Crusades, but we're talking quality pickles here. Until next time.

April 25, 2005
Less than a month now until the final Star Wars movie comes out. And I'm more excited than anyone. You know what this means: After May, and the ensuing hooplah dies, no more Star Wars movies—ever! No more insidious dialogue, no... (4/25/05)

April 18, 2005
Howdy Doody, Americans and others, Roland McShyster here, you there. Now that we've set the stage, let's get on to the movie reviews: Sadly, there's only one new movie out to review this week, but on the happy side, I've taken this opportunity to... (4/18/05)

April 11, 2005
No time for chatter this week. I have a full stock of Don Cheadle movies to review (they're Cheadle-icious) and them I'm off to see Sin City for the third time. I'm convinced this time I'll be able to make it to the end of the film, or at... (4/11/05)

April 4, 2005
El Vita Loca, commune readers! Whatever that means, it's time for some more Entertainment Police fun. And nobody needs a translator to know what that means! Unless they've never heard of Entertainment Police before. But even then a translator... (4/4/05)

March 28, 2005
I'm shocked into a rare non-sweating state by the wealth of first-run movies hitting DVD shelves in the next two weeks. So as much as I'd rather banter to fill dreadful column inches, I'm afraid I have actual reviews to get to this week. Lucky me…... (3/28/05)