The Longest Word in the World (Part Two)

By 1550, the Spanish, British and French were engaged in a linguistic arms race to secure for their countries the truly longest word in the world. Over the next several decades the crown of word longness was passed back and forth between the three nations, as each discovered more and more excessively long verbiage.

First, Spain took the lead with their discovery of the 49-letter Dutch word kindercarnavalsoptochtvoorbereiding- swerkzaamheden in 1551, meaning "I banged the holy shit out of Helen at the children's carnival." This word held the title for some time and was considered invincible by a generation of Spaniards. The Dutch were particularly pleased with their fame, since they previously had only been known as the punchline of a joke about fire fighters wearing wooden shoes.

Then around 1579, the English pulled a rabbit out of their asses with the discovery of the slightly longer Mohawk word tkanuhstasrihsanuhwe'tsraaksahsrakaratattsrayeri, which means "the inside of the evil of the housing for the having of the taking of the talking of the meat."

Their glory was short-lived, however, when the French discovered a Welch village in England's own back yard named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, 58 letters of Wales-speak that meant "Saint Mary's Church in the hollow of the ground near trees with a rapid whirlpool to the left of the red cave and down the street from the Church of Saint Steuben." This was particularly embarrassing to the English, who tried briefly to claim the Welch town's name didn't count, since its namer had died at the typewriter, resulting in an overlong mash of key-strikes that created the unbelievably long name.

The English didn't have long to argue, however, since a year later the Spanish topped them again with another Welch town, this one called Gorsafawddachaidraigodanheddogleddolonpenrhynareurd- raethceredigion, a 66-letter way of saying "The Mawddach station that looks like dragon teeth if you stand on your head facing from the Northern Penrhyn Road on the nice sunny beach by that beautiful place called Cardigan bay."

Thoroughly demoralized, the English fired their word-searching officials and passed a decree that the Welch couldn't name any more of their towns without English supervision.

Eager to piss another quart onto England's etymological grave, Spain took their turn in 1600 with the discovery of the incredible German word donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitaetenhauptbetrieb- swerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft, meaning "a club for men."

Though certainly impressive at 80 letters and clearly representative of the German sickness for excessive word-lengths, England got their revenge and topped them all with the discovery of a hill in New Zealand called Tetaumatawhakatangihangakoauaota- mateaurehaeaturipukapihimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuaakitana- rahu. Though some accused the English of naming the hill this just to win the competition, the English insisted it was a real aborigine name meaning "This is the top of the hill where bony-kneed Tammy, that land-eating bitch, sat down, slid on her ass, climbed back up, swallowed some mountains and clouds, then played her nose flute until everyone was annoyed."

But just when England was getting their air of dry superiority back, Sweden came out of nowhere with their own longest word, the 130-letter behemoth nordöstersjökustartilleriflygspaningssimulatoran- läggningsmaterielunderhållsuppföljningssystemdiskussionsinläggs- förberedelsearbeten, which according to the Swedes meant "the longest word in the whole goddamned world."

Shortly after England declared war on Sweden, the Thai snuck in the back door and laid their proudest redundant verbiage on the table, the true motherfucker of a word Krungthepmahanakorna- mornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahadilokphopnopparatraja- thaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavatarn- sathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit. One-hundred and sixty-three letters, and Thai as the night is long.

Though it was claimed at the time that the word was the name of a city in Thailand, all of the westerners present that day came away with the distinct impression that the word actually meant "Eat shit and die, England." Whatever the word's true meaning, its revelation plunged the world into chaos and strife for several hundred years as England attempted to make the whole world its bitch out of a deep insecurity over its word-length prowess.

American comedian Red Skelton entered the fray in 1946, re-opening the debate with his observation that the longest word is the word that follows the announcement, "And now a word from our sponsor!" Skelton was killed by an English assassin minutes after making the comment, so it remains unclear whether he was working for the Spanish or French at the time.

All of it proved moot, however, when modern technology allowed for the creation of new words beyond the wildest dreams of even the Germans. In 1961, an asshole epidemiologist named Theo Dingley from Vermont coined the name Acetylseryltyrosylseryliso- leucylthreonylserylprolylserylglutaminylphenylalanylvalylpheny- lalanylleucylserylserylvalyltryptophylalanylaspartylprolyliso- leucylglutamylleucylleucylasparaginylvalylcysteinylthreonylsery- lserylleucylglycylasparaginylglutaminylphenylalanylglutaminyl- threonylglutaminylglutaminylalanylarginylthreonylthreonylgluta- minylvalylglutaminylglutaminylphenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyl- tryptophyllysylprolylphenylalanylprolylglutaminylserylthreonyl- valylarginylphenylalanylprolylglycylaspartylvalyltyrosyllysylva- lyltyrosylarginyltyrosylasparaginylalanylvalylleucylaspartyl- prolylleucylisoleucylthreonylalanylleucylleucylglycylthreonyl- phenylalanylaspartylthreonylarginylasparaginylarginylisoleucy- lisoleucylglutamylvalylglutamylasparaginylglutaminylglutaminy- lserylprolylthreonylthreonylalanylglutamylthreonylleucylasparty- lalanylthreonylarginylarginylvalylaspartylaspartylalanylthre- onylvalylalanylisoleucylarginylserylalanylasparaginylisoleu- cylasparaginylleucylvalylasparaginylglutamylleucylvalylarginyl- glycylthreonylglycylleucyltyrosylasparaginylglutaminylaspara- ginylthreonylphenylalanylglutamylserylmethionylserylglycylleu- cylvalyltryptophylthreonylserylalanylprolylalanylserine for the Dahlemense Strain of the Tobacco Mosaic Virus, because he hated his research assistant and knew she would have to write the 1,185 letter name out several times a day by hand. Dingley also refused to accept any abbreviations when referring to his virus in conversations, which eventually led to him being beaten to death with bars of soap rolled up in hand towels during the International Epidemiologists convention in 1971.

So the next time some wise-ass tells you he knows the longest word in the world, or he's just a moron who takes the song "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" too seriously, you can kick him in the balls with the confidence that you're doing the right thing. Until next time, I'm Griswald Dreck.

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