A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 12: Deadline

Editor's Note: Captured by the soliloquizing leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, thinly-disguised Bagel man Jed Foster and his fictional love lady Daisy Miller have been strapped to the world's biggest bomb aboard the world's biggest plane as it flies toward the world's most implausible extortion plot.

Foster and Miller were, at this point, stretched out on a hard curved panel of the world's biggest bomb. Chains bound their feet and hands and held them fast. It was usually the kind of thing he didn't mind paying for, but this time it was all for free, and it all spelt the world's doom.

"I never thought we'd go out like this, Daisy," said Foster with a weary voice. "How'd you think you would go? Me, I always thought I'd suffer some severe intestinal rupture from all that gum I swallowed as a child. Hits you out of nowhere, then bang, you're gone."

"Don't plan that funeral just yet, Foster," said Daisy, struggling in the sexiest way against her irons. "We can pick the locks on these chains. Just use my fancy-nancy earrings. They're actually sophisticated lockpicks."

"Really? 'Cause they just look like trashy earrings."

"Use them!" ordered Daisy. "Hurry up and get us out of this. I hope the earrings work. The only other thing I have to pick locks is my I.U.D., and I'm not sure I'm that desperate to get out of this yet."

"My loss." Jed smiled as he reached for the earrings. Damn! swore the narrator. They were just out of reach. Daisy squirmed even more to get closer to him, and while it succeeded in getting him even more hot and bothered, it did nothing to put the lockpicks into his hand.

"Listen, Daisy," said Jed, lowering his voice to a tone he saved for tender moments. "If we don't make it out of this… I just want you to know: Of all my possessions, you were my absolute favorite."

"That's sweet. And incredibly chauvinist," said Daisy. She put all her bendiness into it and leaned in close enough to kiss him. And wouldn't you know it! The earring pierced Jed's earlobe, pinning the two of them together. It worked in their favor, though, since Daisy managed to get the earring in her own hand, while Jed passed out at the sight of his own blood.

With the locks picked, and Jed resuscitated with smelling salts, the two climbed along the surface of the bomb with separate motives in mind.

"We've got get our asses out of here!" shouted Jed, his mind dwelling an extra long time on Daisy's ass in particular.

"We can't!" argued Daisy, shouting over the sound of the world's loudest plane engines. "Not until we disable the Bomb of Ages! Our lives can be forfeit if it saves the world from Ostrich's plot!"

"I suppose so," agreed Jed, though he wished it was Ashton Kutcher's life that was forfeit instead. "Alright, Daisy—you find a parachute and I'll disable the bomb!"

"No dice!" Daisy said, and Jed was disappointed they couldn't play Yahtzee!, not that they had the time. "There's no parachutes and no chance of escape—we've got to disable the bomb, and it looks like we've got no choice but to stick around for now!"


Next Chapter: Long Way Down

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