Shazam, America! We're back and there's not a goddamned thing the Swiss can do about it. It's been a long two weeks and I don't know about you, but Roland McShyster is ready to get back to the viewing and re-viewing. So bring out the clowns!

In Theaters Now:

Guess Who
Finally, Hollywood has plunged its undersized cranium free of its oversized asshole and decided to adapt the hit children's board game Guess Who into an overdue feature film. Aston Kutcher and Bernie Mac star as the two guys playing Guess Who, and the racial tension rises to the boiling point in scenes like the one where Kutcher has to ask if the guy on the card he's guessing has an afro. If you think it's boring to watch two people sit and play a board game for two hours, then you probably didn't like a little movie called My Dinner with Andre the Giant, either. For people like you, death be too kind.

The Jacket
I swear to God, if Jackie Chan keeps making these lame "magic clothes" movies, I'm going to kick him right in the balls. I don't care what kind of karate he knows, you can't out-karate a kick in the balls. Unless you wear a cup, but that move alone would remove half the laughs from the average Jackie Chan movie, for all the times he falls out of an airplane and lands crotch-first on the bar of a bicycle, just missing the seat.

The Ring 2
Few things in the world are more terrifying than an embarrassing novelty cell phone ringer, as the Ring series of films has illustrated and milked so well. The latest installment sticks with the tried and true formula of an audience-surrogate everyman being thrown into a surreal nightmare world after he accidentally downloads the theme from "The Greatest American Hero" and can't figure out how to change his cell ringer to something else. Pixieish Elf-lord Mayoni Watts stars as the unfortunate dude who'll do anything to just get his phone to play Metallica's "One" or "Iron Man" but can only seem to find the ring tones for "Safety Dance" and "Love Shack."

Robutz
What would the world be like if our nation's rednecks were in charge of developing robot technology? Probably a lot like the CGI world in Robutz, since that's what the movie's about. Though maybe not as computer-animated, since I don't think rednecks can use computers. I think there's some kind of kill switch that comes into play if you try to stick your car keys in the USB port or if the computer senses that you're picking up the mouse and trying to point it like a remote control. But regardless, this latest animated film from some non-Disney company is a fun look at a world populated by robots built from used carburetors, spare tractor parts and tinfoil. Most of them can't do much that's useful, much like real-life rednecks, but they all drink beer. Clearly, as the film indicates, the future will be a blessed place where after your robot's done drinking a beer, you can just flip back the robot's head and drink the beer again yourself like it was a giant robot beer stein. True, this kind of beer-collection technology is years off into the future, but it never hurts to start dreaming now.

That's it, America, we've kicked all the ass we're going to kick this week. But don't forget to tune back in two weeks from now when there will be a whole new line-up of ass. Be there or be square, and not in the cool black-eyeglasses, Volkswagen-driving, Macintosh-using kind of way, either.

March 14, 2005
I've been hearing a lot of this controversy on the film Diary of a Mad Black Woman. There are many who claim critics have unfairly slammed the movie, that they haven't looked below the surface to find the real value of the film, and instead... (3/14/05)

March 7, 2005
Hold the onions, America. Roland McShyster is in a "here" kind of mood and there ain't no mountain high enough to stop me from reviewing this week's new releases. Maybe Rushmore. That's a pretty tall mountain. What's that one in Korea? K12? Leave it... (3/7/05)

Oscar's Worst
In celebration of the Oscars, my personal favorite annual travesty of cinema, I thought I would forego the usual DVD review for my recollections on the worst of all Oscar winners. True, it's mostly because there are few, if any, first-run movies... (2/28/05)

Osctoberfest 2005
Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic... (2/21/05)