Hold the onions, America. Roland McShyster is in a "here" kind of mood and there ain't no mountain high enough to stop me from reviewing this week's new releases. Maybe Rushmore. That's a pretty tall mountain. What's that one in Korea? K12? Leave it up to the Koreans to name a mountain with numbers. The Asians have always had an inherent prejudice against people who can't do math. Maybe those two mountains, and possibly a few others to be on the safe side, could keep me from reviewing this week's batch of Hollywood's finest. But your average mountain? No way. So on to the movies:

In Theaters Now:

Be Cool
Finally, somebody has made a movie out of the legendary Peter Gabriel song about not being a dork. An inspiration to many, the song will surely now find a new audience among people who don't listen to lyrics unless they're being spoken like dialogue by John Travolta. And though the song does lose something by being stretched to two-hour movie length, and the producers thoughtlessly forgot to cast Gabriel in any of the main roles, a song this important can afford to lose some juice and get a little shit-smudged and still make an impact.

Constantinople
Canoe Reeves, mute half-brother of the late Christopher Reeves (the actor-hero who inspired the world by falling off a horse), stars in Constantinople, the moviefied story of a troubled man tortured by the fact that he hasn't been able to get that insanely catchy They Might Be Giants song out of his head since 1990. Performing a trick he learned from Arnold "GoBot" Schwartzreneger, Reeves again displays his knack for choosing roles that turn his "effortless" acting style into a positive, much like the video game character he played to raves of "bare competence" in The Matrix Diaries.

This time around he's believable as an insomniac who's too tired to act or emote in any discernable way, and the results pay off big time. If you're him that is, because he probably got paid a lot of money since they didn't have to fire him for grievous non-acting during the making of the film. For the rest of us, the results only pay off if you bet some friend he couldn't go through his whole life without seeing Canoe Reeves' dongle.
Cursed
Christina "The Godfather" Ricci stars in this story of a girl who's really, really sorry for swearing, in the entertainment industry's latest slobbering attempt to prove they're really, really sorry that Janet Jackson has tits. I was initially very excited when I heard this movie was coming out, because I thought it was going to be the story of the guy who invented cursive handwriting. Now that's a story I've been dying to see, where have they been hiding this genius and when will get he finally get his due? Laugh if you want, but that shit saves some serious time. Whoever it was should have his face on the nickel, I say. Piss on Jefferson, or at least get him "movin' on up" to the dime or something.

Son of MASK
For the love of 80's nostalgia, somebody finally got around to making a feature film about the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand, the legendary 80's cartoon series of toy commercials that taught kids a Camero could fly if you just thought to open the doors while driving. MASK immortalized the 80's catchphrase "Illusion is the Ultimate Weapon," and featured cars that turned into shit, but in a way that just missed infringing upon the copyright of the Transformers. The original was actually a milestone of bastardization, mixing the Transformers and G.I. Joe in balanced proportions to horn in equally on the toy sales of each.

The new film version is a capable adaptation, though a little heavy on the product placement for my tastes. However, in this instance, a strong case could be made for the movie needing to be heavy on product placement in order to be true to the original source material. While it's inevitable that some oil company's name would end up on the gas station that turns into the MASK team's Boulder Mountain fortress, the movie drags when Bruce Sato keeps having the fortress turn back into a gas station so he can buy more of Shell's addictively delicious beef jerky. Also curious was the studio's choice to name this film Son of MASK, apparently an attempt to distance it from the outdated 80's original and its gang of illiterate (Kommand?) freedom fighters. Regardless, you could do worse picking a movie to see this weekend, and probably will.

And that's all the stink they could put on it this week, America. Hope you had the time of your life, and I hope to God that it didn't involve Patrick Swayze. Until next time, folks. You can bet real American money I'll be back here in two more weeks, reviewing my little Entertainment Policing heart out. Wild monkeys couldn't drag me away, and I'd beat the banana custard out of them if they tried.

Oscar's Worst
In celebration of the Oscars, my personal favorite annual travesty of cinema, I thought I would forego the usual DVD review for my recollections on the worst of all Oscar winners. True, it's mostly because there are few, if any, first-run movies... (2/28/05)

Osctoberfest 2005
Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic... (2/21/05)

February 14, 2005
Friendly nods to everyone. We're officially in movie drought territory at the box office, as we finish watching the underwhelming Oscar nominees and wait for the true summer blockbuster trash to blow in once again. DVDs offer our best hope for... (2/14/05)

February 7, 2005
Buenos Aires, America. Hope you're all doing as well today as I was yesterday. Today? Not so much. But I wouldn't kick yesterday out of bed for eating crackers. While in it. Bed, that is. Because you can get a lot of crumbs on the sheets and then... (2/7/05)

January 31, 2005
They announced the Oscar nominations this week. No real surprises there—more of the same Hollywood vehicles and stylized biographies that the industry loves. I have to congratulate Hollywood, really—how they bought out independent... (1/31/05)