Osctoberfest 2005

Grab your nuts and yank, America, it's Oscars time! What some have called "the most wonderful time of the year" in a mistaken interpretation of Christmas songs is finally upon us. The glitz, the glamour, and the total disrespect for artistic achievement are about to wash over us in one big, self-congratulating wave. Who's got their boogieboards ready? Well get on down to the beach you morons, because it's not that kind of wave. As for the rest of us, what we need even more than a shower and plastic surgery is a comprehensive look at this year's nominees in all the major categories you're not likely to miss while you're pissing or heating up nachos during the awards show. So on that note, this!


BEST PICTURE

The Alligator
-read EP review-
Considered by many to be the Oscar front-runner due to the Academy's love of those polo shirts with the little alligator on them. But some wonder if the film's attachment to the award-repellant director Martin Scorsese might spell its doom, since Scorsese could slap his name on Citizen Kane and get it booed at Cannes. Regardless, the Academy does love this film, as evidenced by the gang of palookas they nominated up against it. For that reason, look for Alligator to take home the gold Sunday night, and for director Martin Scorsese to ride up to the podium on a giant crepe-paper alligator being carried by Chinese people. You heard it here first.

Finding Nevermind
Depp is terrific as usual as Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain in this lighthearted probing into the world of creativity and magic, following Cobain as he struggles to find the inspiration that would eventually lead to the landmark album Nevermind. Could a narcissistic, drug-addled bitch serve as his ultimate muse? Do you believe in magic? A long shot to win the statue, but a sure bet to win your heart or other vital organs.

Million Dollar Baby
-read EP review-
Clint Eastwood has proven that he's got the rest of Hollywood running scared after scoring an Oscar nomination for taking this million-dollar shit. That's what a perfect record in gunfights and a reputation as a mean son of a bitch will earn you: major, serious Academy ass-kissing. Well enjoy it while you can, Clint old boy, because I still think you stink. And be advised that I'll be wearing a cast-iron stove like a vest until I'm certain you won't be coming after me for that last remark, bub.

Ray
-read EP review-
Call me a dick if you must, or if you were going to already, but I just don't think Man Ray deserves his own biopic. I don't care if he drove a bunch of nails through an iron or glued teeth on a toothbrush, that kind of modern art just doesn't do it for me. Sitting through the movie was like ironing my tongue with the iron that had all the nails sticking out of it, if you know what I'm talking about. Best Picture? Yeah, Ray made some cool pictures. But I don't think that's what the award is supposed to mean.

Sideways
Pay attention, America. The Academy's running a "question and answer" joke theme in the nominations this year, which you'd all be in the dark about if I hadn't secured my own copy of the questions. Here's the first one: "How should you cram it?"


BEST DIRECTOR

Martin Scorsese, The Alligator
-read EP review-
Sure, his past body of work has received about as much Oscars love as the cinematic portfolio of Bob Denver, but regardless, Scorsese keeps trying to make a film the Academy will love. Many expected him to quit after his masterpiece Alien Vs. Predator was snubbed last year, but this is a man with no quit in him, regardless of gene therapy attempts to cure his defect. I say he takes home the golden oldie on Sunday, and then uses it to bludgeon Kevin Costner into a merciful retirement.

Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby
-read EP review-
Bite it, Clinty. I've got your Oscar right here, and a rubber band gun aimed at the door if you're ready for the startling of a lifetime.

Taylor Thomas Hackford, Ray
-read EP review-
I knew that kid from Home Improvement was eventually going to pop up somewhere, I only expected it to be the six o'clock news. After seeing his movie, I kind of wish it had been.

Alexander Pain, Sideways
A deep vein of Academy humor this year continues with this question-and-answer nomination about pro-wrestling fixture Alexander Pain, that big Russian guy with the meat cleaver. The question, if you're wondering, was "Who showed up on your blind date last week, and how'd you fit out the bathroom window?"

Mike Leigh, Likes It
Lame, lame academy joke based on the legendary cereal commercial. Get some new writers guys, and I don't mean those SNL bums who tail you around everywhere.


BEST ACTOR

Don Knotts, Hotel Rwanda
-read EP review-
Nominating Don Knotts for anything is kosher in my book: I love that guy. But painting him up in black face and having him star as the black guy from Traffic in a movie about the Eagles is either a historic stroke of genius or just really confusing. I've decided to split the difference and call it confusius.

Johnny Depp, Finding Nevermind
Depp should win the Oscar for bringing humanity to a man who became famous for screaming about mulattoes, but unfortunately he'll likely run into the Academy's usual heroin suicide grunge rocker biases. Look for Depp to take home the less-coveted "First Loser" statue of the guy with his head up his own ass.

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Alligator
-read EP review-
Finally, Leo the Greek finds his stride as an impetuous fashion designer who wants the whole world to have his alligator logo on their titties. Always seeming too young, or two alienish in his roles in the past, here Leo lets his inner egomaniac loose, and the results don't stink. Will that be enough to win him the statuesque knick-knack? Nobody cares.

Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby
-read EP review-
I'm starting to think that putting Clint Eastwood on the nominations board was a mistake on the Academy's part. I mean, have a little modesty Clint. What's the matter man, did you get so tired of raising your hand that you couldn't nominate your cinematography or catering? Putz.

Jamie Foxx, Ray
-read EP review-
Dammit man, when is Jamie Foxx going to get off his ass and play a real artist, like the magical light-wizard Thomas Kinkade?


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Alan Arkin, The Alligator
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Though I can't honestly say I remember him being in the movie, that's usually a good thing to say about an actor. That he blended in so seamlessly, sank so deeply into his role as to become invisible. Who can say what role he played? The lawyer? The hotel clerk? The potted palm tree? We may never know. And I think that’s genius. We’ll see if the Academy agrees.

Thomas Haden Church, Sideways
The Supporting Actor and Actress nominees are always a fertile ground for the Academy’s pun-ishing sense of humor when it comes to gag nominees. This one is one fourth of the question-and-answer gag, with the third question being “Who’d you boff this afternoon, and how was it?�

Jamie Foxx, Collateral
I’m sorry, but a movie about Ray Charles driving a cab in L.A. just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve driven in L.A., and this would frankly explain a lot of things, but Foxx blew it for me by looking at the road too much. If I go to a movie about a blind dude driving a taxi, I want to see him bobbing his head all around and smiling like Stevie Wonder on ecstasy. A classic case of misjudging your audience.

Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby
-read EP review-
Oh no, I’ve seen Unforgiving, and I know you two shits are in cahoots. Nice try, Eastwood.

Clive Owen, Closer
It’s truly rare to see an Oscar nomination for a performance in a music video, but here we’re talking about the most celebrated Nine Inch Nails video ever, Closer. And I think it’s commendable that Clive Owen is finally getting his due for playing that creepy pig head spinning on the table. I hope all the nausea and creeping feeling of dread is worth it now, Clive-o.


BESTEST ACTRESS

Annette Being, Being Julia Roberts
In what was probably the biggest rip-off of the year, Hollywood decided to remake the quirky cult hit Bean John Malkovich with more star power and a catchier name. The result? Shit. The people in it? Shit. Next slide.

Catalina Sandino Moreno, Maria Full of Shit
The cautionary children’s tale of the boy who cried wolf is given a facelift with this modern retelling, which I found enjoyablish for the hot Mexican women. Apparently the Academy also wants in those pants, and thinks a little golden statue might be just the trick.

Incidentally, somebody spilled hot fudge on the rest of my Bestest Actress list, but they probably weren’t worth commenting on anyway.


BESTEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Cate Blanches, The Alligator
-read EP review-
Ah, thank you Academy. You can always count on those Oscar nuts to save their best gag names for the Bestest Supporting Actress category. Rather than wasting valuable mental space remembering who played the best ex-girlfriend or hooker in some movie you barely even remember, the Academy showers us with some much-needed levity. Bravo.

Laura Skinny, Kinky
You remember her, skinny chick in Kinky? I thought she pulled it off pretty well. Fact is, the actual actress is really 300 pounds. No joke. If that’s not what they made those Oscar statues for, then I’ve been following the wrong business.

Virginia Slims, Sideways
A great punch line nomination, hilarious if you know that the set-up question is “What kind of cigarettes do you smoke, and how?� That part got mailed out to us reviewers in advance, it’s our inside joke but I hate to leave you guys in the dark on this kind of stuff.

Sophie Okineedtogo, Hotel Rwanda
-read EP review-
Another classic gag name, obviously written by a Tonight Show reject with an impatient girlfriend named Sophie. I guess we can’t all work for our money.

Natalie Portman, Closer
I didn’t even realize that was her in the video until I heard this nomination, but I guess she was like seven at the time so she would have been hard to recognize inside the “crucified monkey� outfit. Brilliant work, even for a child.


And that’s a motherfucking wrap, America. Excuse my uncharacteristically salty language, readers, I’m just that excited. Christmas comes early for movie fans this Sunday, or really late, I guess, depending on how you look at it. But I prefer the optimist’s view. The rest of you can die. But before you do, be sure to check back in two weeks for more Entertainment Policing fun!

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February 7, 2005
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January 31, 2005
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January 24, 2005
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January 17, 2005
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