A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 10: The World's Biggest Plane

Editor's Note: Jed Foster and frequent houseguest Paulette Standiford made the trip to N.O.R.T.O.N. to discover the Bomb of Ages, a bomb so big it could not be dropped on anybody via conventional planes. Then, just when the threat of characterization might have creeped in, they were captured by Foster's arch-nemesis Professor Hyman von Hufnagel, a German bastard. Incidentally, Paulette's name has been changed to Daisy Pantshappy, on the advice of the author's lawyers.

It was eight miles long, and plenty wide, a sheer black-skinned behemoth with a wingspan so big it passed through your state and probably your pen pal's, too. It was a plane—the world's biggest plane, and was made for the express purpose of dropping the world's biggest bomb. The plane was so big normal-sized people had to enter it by helicopter, and the creators also had to build a robot pilot 1,000-feet tall to fly it. Actually, it was flown by computer from a secret bunker, by a normal person, but the 1,000-foot pilot made it look much cooler.

"That son of a bitch is big," said Foster, handcuffed to his seat in the helicopter. He was being taken inside the plane through its giant door. Across from him, in the chopper, Professor von Hufnagel sat with a Dutch revolver pointed at our hero. Daisy Pantshappy had been bound and gagged before being handcuffed to her seat, because von Hufnagel was a perv.

"You state the obvious, Monsieur Foster," said the German. "A nasty habit you will give up once you're firmly strapped in on the world's biggest plane! Coach only—you're lucky we have any seats at all. The bomb is pretty damn huge."

"So what's your plan?" asked Jed, gritting his teeth as if waiting to take a bite out of the German, then wash it down with V8. "You going to simply shoot us, or do something really twisted, like strap us both to this huge bomb before you drop it on its target?"

"Actually, I hadn't thought of it at all, but thanks for the suggestion," said von Hufnagel, who was really quite struck by the idea.

Jed then said, "If you want to do something really evil, really whacked-out and creepy, why don't you let me and Paulette go, to think about what we've done? Let our consciences do the torturing?"

Von Hufnagel considered it, then decided he liked the "drop the captives tied to the bomb" idea better.

Once they were firmly inside the plane and out of the helicopter, von Hufnagel unbound and ungagged Daisy, so that she might contribute some memorable dialogue. Then, the two were strapped to the bomb with heavy chains by nameless, faceless henchmen—guys so forgettable they wouldn't even make a decent page 6 blurb for Drone Magazine. Jed struggled to escape the chains as von Hufnagel laughed himself purple.

"Mother's fleshy titties!" swore Jed, growing frustrated. "Damn your wretched cock, von Hufnagel—just what is your plan for this big, big bomb?"

"I see absolutely no value in telling you my plan," said the German leader of Ostrich, suddenly stroking a cat that had not been mentioned before. "So allow me to tell you the plan…"

"Wait!" shouted Jed. An uncomfortable pause filled the air.

"Wait for what?" asked von Hufnagel.

"Wait," Jed continued, "for the appropriate end of the chapter. I got a feeling this plan is going to take up quite a bit of space."


Next Chapter: Plan Z

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