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07/3/25   
Show us where the bad man touched you

by Orson Welch
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January 31, 2005
They announced the Oscar nominations this week. No real surprises there—more of the same Hollywood vehicles and stylized biographies that the industry loves. I have to congratulate Hollywood, really—how they bought out independent filmmakers everywhere at once, for one price, and monopolized the film business is still a mystery to me. But alas, my beat is the weak box office garbage that has already washed out of the theaters. So here we go.

Now on DVD:

The Grudge
Comparing this film to the original Japanese suspense film it was based on (Ju-On), I can say, without fear of contradiction, that this film is in English. It is truly terrifying, though, watching a successful television star fall so perfectly on her face in an attempt to translate sci-fi TV series success into a hit movie vehicle. The cliché is true that what you can't see is scarier than what you can, and as bad as this film may be, what really kept me trembling was picturing all the cute romanti-comedies and suspense flicks Sarah Michelle Gellar could be working on even as we speak. 'Scuse me while I shiver myself into madness.

Shall We Dance?
Let's not. The gerbil-smelling hands of Richard Gere on my hips, J-Lo's bulbous ass smacking against mine. I'm beyond terrified now. Also based on a Japanese film, by the way—can we give up on stealing their cinema, and simply go back to ripping-off their corporate management techniques again?

Shark Tale
In theory, not seeing Will Smith would make him somewhat less annoying—and here theory fails us. Will Smith as an animated fish is almost as nauseating as watching an actual real live Will Smith smacking you with a dead fish. Dreamworks brings us this CGI nightmare about an underdog (voiced by a handsome millionaire rapper-turned-actor) who becomes an overnight success when—ouch! Sorry. Sprained my tongue on all those clichés. Nevermind. Let it surprise you, if you like Will Smith-as-a-fish movies.

The Notebook
Director Nick Cassavetes molests his father's memory in this diabetes-inducing adaptation of Chicken Soup for the Retarded Kids' and Puppies' Souls, or possibly some other even more sentimental crappy book. Up-and-comers Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams fall permanently down-and-out by starring in this series of tired plot devices and syrupy-sweet "moments"; more than enough saccharine to make Kelly Rippa spew expletives at the screen.

I'm particularly proud of not using the word "bile" once this week. Not that I'll be able to keep that New Year's resolution up much longer, given more films like these, but it's nice to have ambitions. See you again in coming weeks.


Quote of the Day
“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels
Fortune 500 Cookie
This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.


Try again later.
Top Phil Spector Trial Revelations
1.Spector threatens to shoot all his visitors in the mouth if they leave—get the fuck over it already
2.Middle-aged Spector traded "Wall of Sound" for "Wall of Hair"
3.Yes, everyone in L.A. really is as crazy as you've heard
4.Spector goes through pizza delivery guys like you wouldn't believe
5.No you're thinking of "Help Me Rhonda," "Da Doo Ron Ron" goes "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron"
Archives
January 24, 2005
Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly... (1/24/05)

January 17, 2005
It's a new year, readers, and a new chance to decimate our low standards until they've reached rock bottom—then again, our nation has made Adam Sandler and Ashley Judd both millionaires. Is there much further left to go? Bah, humbug. On with... (1/17/05)

January 10, 2005
Look out below, America, Roland McShyster just honked and as usual, it looks like gravity will have its way. We're sicker than a Nine Inch Nails video here at Entertainment Police, and all bets are off within a fifty foot radius of yours truly.... (1/10/05)

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