English Has Turned Against Me

I don't follow the news. At least not the word news. I didn't know there was word news, until I woke up last week and realized I don't have any idea what anyone is talking about anymore. Apparently some time recently they decided to add a million new words to the language and I'm the only one who didn't get the memo. What are all you people watching, MTV? Was it on Oxygen? I don't get Oxygen. I mean, I'm supposed to have it, but it comes in like half Mexican sitcoms. I don't think that's what Oxygen is supposed to be. They must be the ones in charge of announcing the word news.

I don't know who the Governator is. Somebody this morning told me that's the nickname for Arnold Schwarzenbruger. Is that a real word? Schwarzenbruger? Who's that? If he's a host on Oxygen I'm going to call my cable company and bitch them out, I'm missing everything.

I have no idea what a flexitarian is. I'd guess it was someone who eats only little flecks of food, like to lose weight, except I think then it would be spelled differently. But then again sometimes they play fast and loose with the rules when they're spelling new words, they get a little wacky. "Creative," some call it. I'm one of the ones who call it a "bullshit." But regardless, I think flexitarian must be some kind of new diet, like to gain some showy-offy muscle. I talked to a guy on the subway the other day who said he was a Mexitarian, he only eats Mexican food, and man did he smell like it. But I don't think that's the same thing at all.

Apparently my neighbor is a metrosexual, and I'm scared of what that might mean. It definitely involves sex, and that's rarely good. My only association with "Metro" is that Berlin song from the 80's. So maybe the guy only has sex on the train or while listening to hits from the 80's. God that's creepy. I'm hoping I'm way off base on this one. Maybe he only has sex with people he just met.

According to her yearly Christmas letter, my sister is a freegan now, not that she included a glossary at the end of the letter for those of us who are Oxygen-impaired. So I'm not sure what to think of her now. Could be good, could be bad. Does she only eat free-range chickens? Fat-free foods? I just wish she'd make up her mind, pick one thing to be and stick with it. Last I heard she was a MILF.

I thought I was just being paranoid until I got this message on my cell phone the other day, which I think might have been in English:

"Hey, yo. Sorry I missed the thing, I swear to God I'm like a walking piñata today; I'm hinky as all hell. First I get stuck behind this asshat and his little dog, too, on the sidewalk. I almost had to kick that little chow in the neuticles to get by, it was ricockulous. Then this manscaping muggle scared the kablokeys out of me on the subway, and he wouldn't stop yammering on about how he had to sell his McMansion because his dot bomb took a shit after nobody wanted to buy some retro blobject he'd invented that ran on assoline and now he had to move back into his starter castle. What a chunk. Anyway, I've got to meet my hick Preslyterian therapist at my tanorexia support group at four, so bye."

I don't have any idea who the call was from, but the girl at Verizon said they were probably just trying to call somebody in my "phone family." Eh? At that point I resolved to just abandon English and learn to speak Spanish instead; less new words to memorize that way. ¡Deséeme la suerte!

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