It's a new year, readers, and a new chance to decimate our low standards until they've reached rock bottom—then again, our nation has made Adam Sandler and Ashley Judd both millionaires. Is there much further left to go? Bah, humbug. On with the DVDs from last year.



The Forgotten
I think this came out, but can't be absolutely sure. I've asked around, even called the studio that released it, and no one can verify this movie was made. Quite aptly titled, at least. I understand it may have been produced three years ago and someone found it lying around on a shelf on the backlot. He unwisely chose to release it, whoever he was. But it's hardly worth the effort of cursing him. A Julie or Juliette or Julianne stars in it. Don't trouble yourself any further with it.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
A movie as deep and textured as the sweat on my upper lip. Jude Law was doing so many movies concurrently I think half the lines he spouts are from Alfie in this one. Imagine the Nazi regime meets futuristic technology—oh, wait, you don't have to imagine. "Star Trek" has already done it—repeatedly. And more enjoyably. Still, Angelina Jolie's breasts weren't given co-star billing in that series.

Ray
In fairness, I have to say that Jamie Foxx is fairly impressive as an impression/caricature of Ray Charles. You forget he's Jamie Foxx, which is always a good thing. Still, he did a WB sitcom for years, and for that alone I'll keep an Oscar from him, clutched with my dying hands. Call me a stickler. Otherwise, this is a movie about someone who is born and dies, and whose life seems much more amazing on screen than the rest of ours. In short, it's a biopic, nothing new. They never once show Ray Charles shopping, buying milk or anything, which I'm more curious about than how he learned to play the piano—what if the milk's date has expired? There's a real puzzler. Still, it makes my top five for least forgettable films of the year, not that it's a compliment.

Alien Vs. Predator
When I saw this was coming out, I wet myself with excited anticipation. I believe I made a joke about this when Predator 2 came out—I love it when movie studios make movies out of my jokes. I'm still waiting for the priest/rabbi bar movie I talked about a few years ago. What makes this movie so original is the Predator and the Alien fight a lot. There is no pretense about teaching us anything, or distracting us for a few minutes with amusing characters. Still, quite a let down, as far as pure revulsion goes. Oh, it's repulsive—nothing the mentally challenged would take seriously. But I was hoping for that real extra mile of uncreative pap to make it meet my expectations. Carmen Electra co-starring, or comic relief by Tom Green. Still, not a bad piece of cinematic feces.

If this is the best Hollywood has to offer, it's going to be a slow year. Still, a comedy starring Barbra Streisand and Robert De Niro is the number one movie in the country… something to be said about the tough pure evil of that one.

January 10, 2005
Look out below, America, Roland McShyster just honked and as usual, it looks like gravity will have its way. We're sicker than a Nine Inch Nails video here at Entertainment Police, and all bets are off within a fifty foot radius of yours truly.... (1/10/05)

December 20, 2004
If anyone out there is thinking of getting me a gift, please be very careful. Don't get me a movie. Not a day goes by where someone doesn't say, "Gee, Orson, you must really like movies to do them for a living." Yes, like Madam Curie loved radiation... (12/20/04)

December 13, 2004
Greetings, America! I hope you enjoyed the trip and didn't encounter any disturbing horse porn on your way over. We're here, as we always are, time without end, to lend a judging hand as Hollywood turns its head and coughs up another week's worth of... (12/13/04)

December 6, 2004
Welcome back to the first Orson Welch column of the holiday season, my friends. It should come as no shock that I reject all holidays as artifices of organized religion, and Thanksgiving is nothing more than an attempt gloat stolen land over the... (12/6/04)