The Election of the Twenty-First Century

Acting Editor's Note: Given that Red Bagel has refused to step outside his office since the November election, and has even stopped sliding articles to us under the door, we have opted to run a previous column of his in this slot. Here is some of Red's on-the-ball coverage of the 2000 presidential race, and we hope it seems as insightful now as it did back when it first ran in the commune then.

George W. Bush will never be president, and I'll tell you why.

For one, and let's call this exhibit A, sir: He's the son of another president, and people didn't like that president all that much. America learned its lesson from John Adams and John Quincy Adams, as well as the two Roosevelts. Having your son be president just doesn't work, it reminds people too much of the king system. The one bright side of electing idiot after idiot is we know we're working our way through the gene pool. Why go back for a dip in the shallow end? We tried the Bush lineage, no geniuses there. Even if the "bad president" gene skips a generation, you think we'd give another Bush four years to prove it? Not happening.

For two, exhibit B, and I don't quite know how to say this delicately: He's a bit monkey-looking. Just a wee bit, with the ears and the beedy eyes, and that big region between his nose and lip. And I swear I've seen him scratch his head with his foot. It was only once, but I did see it.

And third: Al Gore's got way too much personality to beat. The guy's on fire. Ever since he announced he was running for the White House he's been like a tornado of energy, a stunning speech on this hand, polemic debate on the next. People will be saying the W stands for "Who?"

Even if Bush could put together a solid platform and explain it in our English language, the people wouldn't be likely to elect him, since he stands for everything they disagree with. His far-right agenda, his insistence on pushing religion into the public sphere, his ludicrous Reaganesque chasing of a "Star Wars" missile defense program, he's clearly far behind on all real threats facing the nation. It's 2000 already, people have learned the lessons of right-wing Republicanism, they aren't about to repeat the scenario that drove them so deep into recession we had to elect a poontang-pursuing president like Bill Clinton to get us out of it.

No, sir, the real race this year will be between Gore and Nader. I know the numbers don't quite back me up on this yet, but I'm convinced all polling information is done five years before it's presented to the public, so just wait for the figures to catch up. Ralph Nader and his invincible Green Party have gotten the word out about his campaign, and his no-holds-barred approach to the issues that concern people, like the environment and national health care, are clearly in line with the nation's general status as leaning to the far left. The people are finding heart in Nader's message of tackling the corporate welfare system and policing the out-of-control business world. The real question, come November, is Gore or Nader the one to make corporations responsible for their actions?

A tough battle, but I think the Clinton "dynasty" will manage to succeed once again. Even liberal America isn't quite ready for the Nader revolution just yet. Gore will have a term to start setting things right, in his subtle but entrancing way, but come 2004, if he wants to hold the White House for another term, until Hillary is ready for her run, he will have to accommodate the vast legion of Naderites in some way. A Nader vice-presidency? I won't say anything to get me too far ahead of myself. Let's just see how it plays out. I'm safer making predictions about that Matrix sequel they're working on, which all my inside sources guarantee will be the movie to end all movies.

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