Party Girl

by Jordetta Colgate

December 20, 2004

Paris Hilton can kiss my ass,
since when is that bitch
the Head of the Class?
That greasy skank's a Dennis
who can't bring no menace.

That's if she even knows
what an ass is!
Man, I've got an ass that surpasses,
she barely even has one herself.
You couldn't rest a dime on that shelf.

Girl hasn't got enough crack
to get two midgets high, Jack!
Please guys, if you want a grope
and you enjoy
somebody built like a little boy,
I hear Michael Jackson's
got it going on,
and he's handing out sodas back by the john.

So what if she's got her own show?
I put on twice the show of that ho!
I'll go to church in a bikini...
Hey, who the fuck ganked my martini?

I'm the spoiled party girl sensation,
not that boney old shriveled-up Haitian!
That dinosaur's old enough to drink,
while I can't even legally top off my shrink!

Nuts to her bootleg sex video,
I'm working on my own with Arsenio!
How's that for public humiliation?
As if hers even showed any penetration.

I'm twice as rich and three times as oblivious!
I asked my pharmacist for some "Lascivious."
I thought Dick Clark was our president,
and I return any mail addressed to "resident."

Goddammit, somebody look at me!
I'm making out with that guy from I Heart Huckabees!
I took my top off and am dancing like I Dream of Jeannie!
Fuck it all, who ganked my new martini??

Yo tabloids, get off your asses and detail my exploits!
And you'd better use big fonts like "SEXPLOITS!"
I'm dancing half-naked to this hot new Falco song,
and for a girl of my standing, that's just wrong!

What to I gotta do to get some attention tonight?
You guys have heard of toothpaste, right?
Hey, I got my hair cut like Benito Mussolini's!

All right assholes, who keeps ganking my martinis?

Quote of the Day

“The Devil finds work for idle hands. It's all part-time clerical work, but the pay is kick-ass. The Devil is no longer hiring for assembly work.”

-Ted's Big Book of Bible

Fortune 500 Cookie

This week you'll finally get that pot to piss in, but before you start unzipping, we should warn you it's second-hand. Turn on, tune in, and drop outâ€”you've missed too many days in that computer programming class. Look for a bright-eyed Aries to take away all your troubles when she shoots you in the throat. Lucky scams this week: Pyramid, carnival ring toss, Florida voter roll purges, and it's okay, I had a vasectomy.

Try again later.

What Was That Guy Screaming?

1.	Four fewer years! Four fewer years!
2.	"Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin, 1988
3.	I think I'd notice if my hearing aid battery had died, you crusty old bitch!
4.	Rectum? I nearly destroyed his anus!
5.	I have difficulty modulating my voice!

New Diet!
Quiet! I'm going on a new diet! Now don't deny it, you know you wanna try it! Because a diet's way easier to do when the whole big world's on it with you! Gonna lose that baby fat that's been lurking around my tummy like a tapeworm ... (12/6/04)

Peace Frog
There's blood in the streets, there's meat on these sheets. What am I, sleeping with a butcher? Napping on crazy wax paper wrapped in crap vapors dreaming of walking on gongs past a sleeping pitbull. Goddamn is this song loud... (11/15/04)

Dromediary
Long and hairy luminaries hang from the sky and dangle scary fingers downward in repose just itching to twitch and pick my nose. Prescient crescentsâ€” the cartoon moons fill the sky to seven deep with beauty to cause my golden weep as I... (10/18/04)