Party Girl

by Jordetta Colgate

December 20, 2004

Paris Hilton can kiss my ass,
since when is that bitch
the Head of the Class?
That greasy skank's a Dennis
who can't bring no menace.

That's if she even knows
what an ass is!
Man, I've got an ass that surpasses,
she barely even has one herself.
You couldn't rest a dime on that shelf.

Girl hasn't got enough crack
to get two midgets high, Jack!
Please guys, if you want a grope
and you enjoy
somebody built like a little boy,
I hear Michael Jackson's
got it going on,
and he's handing out sodas back by the john.

So what if she's got her own show?
I put on twice the show of that ho!
I'll go to church in a bikini...
Hey, who the fuck ganked my martini?

I'm the spoiled party girl sensation,
not that boney old shriveled-up Haitian!
That dinosaur's old enough to drink,
while I can't even legally top off my shrink!

Nuts to her bootleg sex video,
I'm working on my own with Arsenio!
How's that for public humiliation?
As if hers even showed any penetration.

I'm twice as rich and three times as oblivious!
I asked my pharmacist for some "Lascivious."
I thought Dick Clark was our president,
and I return any mail addressed to "resident."

Goddammit, somebody look at me!
I'm making out with that guy from I Heart Huckabees!
I took my top off and am dancing like I Dream of Jeannie!
Fuck it all, who ganked my new martini??

Yo tabloids, get off your asses and detail my exploits!
And you'd better use big fonts like "SEXPLOITS!"
I'm dancing half-naked to this hot new Falco song,
and for a girl of my standing, that's just wrong!

What to I gotta do to get some attention tonight?
You guys have heard of toothpaste, right?
Hey, I got my hair cut like Benito Mussolini's!

All right assholes, who keeps ganking my martinis?

Milestones

1987: A practical joke backfires, resulting in Roland McShyster being put in charge of Orion Pictures.

Now Hiring

Neighbor. Must be unpredictably silly and capable of conjuring up outlandish schemes week after week. Applicant will be judged based on appeal to uncreative mass audiences and spin-off potential. Non-white, homosexual a plus.

Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips

1.	Carbs are like the devilâ€™s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.	After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.	Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, youâ€™ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you wonâ€™t be so upset when you find out youâ€™re still fat.
4.	Youâ€™re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.	At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.

New Diet!
Quiet! I'm going on a new diet! Now don't deny it, you know you wanna try it! Because a diet's way easier to do when the whole big world's on it with you! Gonna lose that baby fat that's been lurking around my tummy like a tapeworm ... (12/6/04)

Peace Frog
There's blood in the streets, there's meat on these sheets. What am I, sleeping with a butcher? Napping on crazy wax paper wrapped in crap vapors dreaming of walking on gongs past a sleeping pitbull. Goddamn is this song loud... (11/15/04)

Dromediary
Long and hairy luminaries hang from the sky and dangle scary fingers downward in repose just itching to twitch and pick my nose. Prescient crescentsâ€” the cartoon moons fill the sky to seven deep with beauty to cause my golden weep as I... (10/18/04)