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01/9/25   
Fuck off, Canada

The Giving House

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December 13, 2004
Can you believe my neighbor Dale is moving away? Shocked the hell out of me, too. You can never see these things coming. One day, his house collapses into the earth in a mysterious freak geological event, and then the next thing you know, all of a sudden he's throwing in the towel and going to stay with his aunt in Seattle.

It's not like his house was unlivable. Sure, none of the stuff was where it used to be, and most of the rooms had been re-arranged, but there were still plenty of pockets of breathable air in that place. You give me some climbing gear and one of those foil space blankets and I could have made that place livable in ten minutes. It's a good think he didn't take me up on that boast, however, since what was left of the roof caved in last Wednesday and flattened what would have been my main living-cave. Nobody ever said spelunking was without its risks.

Then I get a notice that they're going to be coming over to bulldoze what's left of the place, so could I please get my camping gear out of there. Apparently the city got its tidy whities in a real quake over what would happen if some kids went in there to play and got trapped. I tell you, some people just have to invent things to worry about. I'd already made $300 bucks charging neighborhood kids admission to the "Nuclear Test House" and hadn't had a single problem. Except for that kid that got trapped when the upstairs bathroom fell into the downstairs bathroom, but I'm sure he crawled out of there okay. Kids can fit through any opening the size of their head or bigger. It's an adult like me who was really taking a risk going in there.

Nevertheless, they took my cash cow out behind the barn and shot it last week, knocking down the few remaining parts of Dale's house that the earth hadn't swallowed up already. And I'll answer the obvious question before you have to ask it: Yes, the wreckage site did make for an awesome BMX jump course, and I made another $500 off of that before they came and hauled all the debris away.

After that it was just an empty lot with a hole in it, and I was having a hard time figuring out how to turn a buck on that. That is, until I sat down and read a copy of The Giving Tree that one of those kids left behind in the shanty after some of the live swinging electrical cables scared him off. Talk about the perfect book at the perfect time. I had The Giving House sitting right there across my side-lawn, and I was almost too big a fool to take advantage of it. That's when I put up the signs for the skate park.

Turns out the "Bricks 'n Chikz" skate park was fairly short-lived, and not just because I didn't think of the fact that none of the skate park walls were really rounded, so kids just kept slamming into the basement walls and breaking their skateboards and faces and stuff whenever they tried to do any tricks. Nope, I had to tear down the wall murals and take out the cash register early just because some Einstein-o-Trump actually bought the crumbling hole in the ground and set up plans to build a new house there. I guess it's like they say, location means everything, and there's obviously a line of suckers a mile deep just itching for a chance to live next door to Omar Bricks.

But don't take this setback to mean that your old friend Omar has failed to learn the lesson of The Giving House. Far from it. As soon as they get some of the framing and electrical up, I'm going to be giving moonlight tours of the Bricks Building Museum and Gift Shop for ten bucks a head. I'll be goddamned if the kids in my neighborhood are going to grow up without any culture.

Bricks out.


Quote of the Day
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. This means you, Gerardo.”

-Napoleon Bugglyparte
Fortune 500 Cookie
Finally, you'll win that annual shit-talkin' contest. If the shoe fits, it still means you only have one shoe, dumbass. It may hurt, but don't worry, they can re-attach it if you put the testicle on ice quickly. Don't buy the lottery ticket this week—your money is better invested in cookie dough. Lucky marbles: steely, cat's eyes, and… uh… shit, we're fresh out of marbles.


Try again later.
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Archives
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