07/12/25
Often duplicated, never imitated
|  New Diet!by Lindsay Green   December 6, 2004 Quiet!
I'm going on a new diet! Now don't deny it, you know you wanna try it! Because a diet's way easier to do when the whole big world's on it with you! Gonna lose that baby fat that's been lurking around my tummy like a tapeworm wrapped 'round a mummy! No more fat hanging around my belly like an unwelcome bowl full of jelly! And my new diet's political too! No more dolphin tuna for you-know-who! World poverty? Gonna defeat it! World suffering? Not gonna eat it! No carbs for me, And no nards for me neither! I'm so hungry I could eat the gonads off a nomad! But that would make me so sad since they're high in Zinc. So none for me, wink wink! Back to nature I say! Get out of my way! I'm hungry enough to eat a squirrel or the jock strap off of Milton Berle! That's nature's way! And starting today no more sun-dried tomatoes. I'll pass-a, because that sun's full of chemicals from NASA! I'll eat like an ape before nature was raped by hairspray and glue. That's what I'll do! What I understand from the zoo is that they get by mostly on popcorn and candy. I like popcorn and candy! That's it! I'll only eat things that fell on the ground like anchovies or discarded ground round! I'll eat till I sick up all the things I could pick up if I were naked and wild, and the donuts were piled in the woods by the birds instead of bird turds. Do you think bacon counts? I like bacon. I'm pretty sure I could pick some up bacon naked if everyone else in the store was distracted. I'll be a fruititarian and only eat from the aquarium! I'll be more vegan than Ronald Reagan! I'll show that Atkins I can eat only bat shins! I'll go macrobiotic like an Asian psychotic! I'll go all Christian Outreach on that there South Beach! And if John Tesh invents a diet? I'll try it! Ooh, Jesus. These pork rinds are sal-ty! This diet needs some beer, and quick! Quote of the Day“A little bad taste is like a dash of paprika. A lot of bad taste, like a grinder full of cayenne pepper. And doing that annoying Cajun guy impression while doing anything—well, that's just beyond bad taste.”-Dirty Parkbench Fortune 500 CookieIn the annals of history, there has always been one man who laughs uncontrollably whenever someone says "annals"—that's your legacy. Turn up the heat this week, 'cause that fucking turkey has been in the oven since Saturday. If you can't beat them, join them, and show them what real losers they are for accepting you into the group. Lucky bastards this week are Tom Monroe, Pete Gelbart, Judy Simon, and that son you're pretty sure is living in Winnipeg now.Try again later. Worst Country Songs Ever
 Peace Frog There's blood in the streets, there's meat on these sheets. What am I, sleeping with a butcher? Napping on crazy wax paper wrapped in crap vapors dreaming of walking on gongs past a sleeping pitbull. Goddamn is this song loud... (11/15/04) Dromediary Long and hairy luminaries hang from the sky and dangle scary fingers downward in repose just itching to twitch and pick my nose. Prescient crescents— the cartoon moons fill the sky to seven deep with beauty to cause my golden weep as I... (10/18/04) Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics Jack Sprat could eat no fat but his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig's feets. Next week poker's at your house, Jack. The itsy, bitsy, spider crawled up the water spout. I almost fucking died,... (9/20/04)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.