New Diet!

by Lindsay Green

December 6, 2004

Quiet!

I'm going on a new diet!

Now don't deny it,
you know you wanna try it!
Because a diet's way easier to do
when the whole big world's
on it with you!

Gonna lose that baby fat
that's been lurking around my tummy
like a tapeworm
wrapped 'round a mummy!
No more fat hanging around my belly
like an unwelcome bowl full of jelly!

And my new diet's political too!
No more dolphin tuna for you-know-who!
World poverty? Gonna defeat it!
World suffering? Not gonna eat it!

No carbs for me,
And no nards for me neither!
I'm so hungry I could eat
the gonads off a nomad!
But that would make me so sad
since they're high in Zinc.
So none for me, wink wink!

Back to nature I say!
Get out of my way!
I'm hungry enough to eat a squirrel
or the jock strap off of Milton Berle!

That's nature's way!
And starting today
no more sun-dried tomatoes. I'll pass-a,
because that sun's full of chemicals from NASA!

I'll eat like an ape
before nature was raped
by hairspray and glue.
That's what I'll do!
What I understand from the zoo
is that they get by mostly on popcorn and candy.

I like popcorn and candy!

That's it!
I'll only eat things that fell on the ground
like anchovies or discarded ground round!
I'll eat till I sick up
all the things I could pick up
if I were naked and wild,
and the donuts were piled
in the woods by the birds
instead of bird turds.

Do you think bacon counts?
I like bacon.
I'm pretty sure I could pick some up bacon naked
if everyone else in the store was distracted.

I'll be a fruititarian
and only eat from the aquarium!
I'll be more vegan
than Ronald Reagan!
I'll show that Atkins
I can eat only bat shins!
I'll go macrobiotic
like an Asian psychotic!
I'll go all Christian Outreach
on that there South Beach!

And if John Tesh invents a diet?

I'll try it!

Ooh, Jesus. These pork rinds are sal-ty!

This diet needs some beer, and quick!

Milestones

2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.

Now Hiring

Director of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.

Top Easter Memories

1.	Stuffing all those eggs up the bunny's ass. For the children.
2.	Knee-deep in Peeps.
3.	Kicked out of church for eating wooden Jesus. Thought it was chocolate.
4.	I'll be damned, family really can tell ham from Spam.
5.	Boil the eggs next year. Sweet Jesus, boil the motherloving eggs.

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Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics
Jack Sprat could eat no fat but his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig's feets. Next week poker's at your house, Jack. The itsy, bitsy, spider crawled up the water spout. I almost fucking died,... (9/20/04)