Do they even release movies to the theaters anymore? Each week it becomes more difficult to find a DVD release to review that wasn't a movie released years ago. And of those, it's even harder to find one that wasn't re-released on DVD with removed footage put back in to make a "director's cut" or such nonsense. If Hollywood sees fit to release so many director's cut editions these days, you'd think they'd consider actually letting a director cut his own film for the theatrical release, there would be a novel thing. On second thought, I have reviewed some director's releases. Maybe they should just let me cut all the films. They'd be much shorter and not so concentrated on a linear storyline. However, enough about my whims—let's begin with the biggest re-release of all time.

In Theaters

The Star Wars Trilogy
This box set constitutes the beloved original trilogy, also known as the second trilogy or the last trilogy in the film series of six, unless George Lucas decides to rewrite that as well and make them alternate-universe versions of the Star Wars world, but at that point no one will give a damn. They aren't better than the movies Lucas is doing now, necessarily, but they come from a time when he was at least more in touch with the times, and the world had yet to know the bitter sting of irony. If you aren't a fan of the movies, bless you, for one, but this release certainly won't make you one, since none of Lucas' changes involve writing better dialogue or upping the intellectual ante. And if you are fans of the originals, you might as well avoid them since Lucas has destroyed the versions you remember and replaced them with "timeless" films with the stink of the 70s still all over them. Changes include making the giant hairy man speak Cantonese for a more "international" flavor, and giving the gold robot more testosterone. I think he also completely removed Mark Hamill and replaced Sir Alec Guinness with a trash-talking Bernie Mac.

Mean Girls
Here's a movie that won't be seeing a sequel, or a re-release. It brilliantly takes you inside the mind of a teen-age girl, and you should consider inquiring about buying some of the space since it's largely empty and provides a scenic view of the breasts. Molly Ringwald d'jour Lindsay Lohan stars as a not-so-mean girl who must get tough with the titular stars. My favorite part was where I left to get some Raisinettes, because they gave me a free soda for having to wait in line for so long. When I came back, Lohan had somehow won and amazed the audience with her clear head, strong heart, and wealth of stylish clothes. My Raisinettes were delicious.

Cigarettes and Coffee
Art schools love movies where people sit around and do nothing—it fits the life of a graduate student very well. Chekov, not the one from Star Trek, once said give him an ashtray and two characters and he could make a brilliant play. Apparently you add coffee into the mix and the whole thing collapses. Various celebrities and indie film flotsam populate this dreary black-and-white nightmare, from Roberto what-the-hell's-his-name from that Oscar show years ago to the Wu-Tang Clan, whom I always go to first for wise philosophy. See it with your friends. Make them your enemies.


I've talked smack and beat down the competition, yo. Now I'm off to get more Raisinettes. I worked up quite an appetite with all that bringing it.

September 6, 2004
Booya, America. I'm not sure what that means, but it seemed appropriate. Whatever sentiment that expressed, you can file it in triplicate because Roland McShyster's in a good mood today. Good? Nay, agreeable! I've seen the proverbial bluebird of... (9/6/04)

August 23, 2004
I do not feel chatty today, unwashed reading masses. A certain boil in a location I will not describe has chosen this week for its uprising. I'm typing this column standing up, and that always makes me a little lightheaded. Fortunately, even a... (8/23/04)

August 9, 2004
Hola, America! That's about all the Spanish I know, but I wanted to give the column a little International flair this week. Why? Shit if I know. Anyway, thanks for stopping by once again for all the reviews you care to peruse. Like the way I... (8/9/04)

July 12, 2004
Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which... (7/12/04)