Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics

by Ray Manatino

September 20, 2004

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
but his wife was a big fat bitch.
Shit could she eat,
she ate all my beets
and my pickled pig's feets.
Next week poker's at your house, Jack.

The itsy, bitsy, spider
crawled up the water spout.
I almost fucking died,
did you see the size of that thing?
I just wanted a drink,
I didn't scream! I don't think.
Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self?
She's fat, not lame,
and Jack missed half the game!
I swear, you Sprats are miserable people.
Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill!

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
I think I hit him with my shoe,
what was I supposed to do?
I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock.

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John
went to bed with his trousers on.
Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings??

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife but couldn't keep her.
Not because he wasn't handsome,
but the family paid the ransom.
Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway?
That must've been hell in grade school.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??"
And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there.

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl
stuck in the back of his throat.
I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit.

Quote of the Day

“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”

-Dan Quayle

Fortune 500 Cookie

Don't stop thinking about tomorrowâ€”we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heartâ€”baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.

Try again later.

Worst Things to Yell in Church

1.	"Who the hell I gotta fuck to get a communion wafer around here?"
2.	"Father, bless me for I have pissed the confessional againâ€¦"
3.	"Altar boy sleepover? Bitchin'!"
4.	"Gawd, did you see that dude up there nailed to that cross? Creeeep-y!"
5.	"Am I the only one here for the monster truck show?"

Whistlepig
Loud and sweet, the howling of the whistlepig erects my nipples like sails taut in the wind. Sailfish taught me to win by cheating at cards, like a cardinal at charms or an oriole with arms. Whistlepig, whistlepig, let me in, caught by... (8/23/04)

I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04)

What If?
What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04)