Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics

by Ray Manatino

September 20, 2004

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
but his wife was a big fat bitch.
Shit could she eat,
she ate all my beets
and my pickled pig's feets.
Next week poker's at your house, Jack.

The itsy, bitsy, spider
crawled up the water spout.
I almost fucking died,
did you see the size of that thing?
I just wanted a drink,
I didn't scream! I don't think.
Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self?
She's fat, not lame,
and Jack missed half the game!
I swear, you Sprats are miserable people.
Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill!

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
I think I hit him with my shoe,
what was I supposed to do?
I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock.

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John
went to bed with his trousers on.
Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings??

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife but couldn't keep her.
Not because he wasn't handsome,
but the family paid the ransom.
Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway?
That must've been hell in grade school.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??"
And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there.

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl
stuck in the back of his throat.
I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit.

Milestones

1821: Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua all gain independence, consequently leaving them ripe for U.S. corporate invasion and political meddling.

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Mark Buckles is a Cockwad. Holy shit I don't believe we got that in print! Man, you were right, Sammy, they don't ever proofread this shit. This is better than that time we got "Mark Buckles sucks balls" on the CNN website poll.

Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations

1.	Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.	Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.	Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.	Dosed with Nyquilâ€”during daylight hours!
5.	Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.	Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.	Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.	Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.	Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.	Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"

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Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04)

What If?
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