Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics

by Ray Manatino

September 20, 2004

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
but his wife was a big fat bitch.
Shit could she eat,
she ate all my beets
and my pickled pig's feets.
Next week poker's at your house, Jack.

The itsy, bitsy, spider
crawled up the water spout.
I almost fucking died,
did you see the size of that thing?
I just wanted a drink,
I didn't scream! I don't think.
Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self?
She's fat, not lame,
and Jack missed half the game!
I swear, you Sprats are miserable people.
Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill!

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
I think I hit him with my shoe,
what was I supposed to do?
I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock.

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John
went to bed with his trousers on.
Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings??

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife but couldn't keep her.
Not because he wasn't handsome,
but the family paid the ransom.
Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway?
That must've been hell in grade school.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??"
And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there.

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl
stuck in the back of his throat.
I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit.

Quote of the Day

“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.

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