Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics

by Ray Manatino

September 20, 2004

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
but his wife was a big fat bitch.
Shit could she eat,
she ate all my beets
and my pickled pig's feets.
Next week poker's at your house, Jack.

The itsy, bitsy, spider
crawled up the water spout.
I almost fucking died,
did you see the size of that thing?
I just wanted a drink,
I didn't scream! I don't think.
Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self?
She's fat, not lame,
and Jack missed half the game!
I swear, you Sprats are miserable people.
Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill!

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
I think I hit him with my shoe,
what was I supposed to do?
I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock.

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John
went to bed with his trousers on.
Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings??

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife but couldn't keep her.
Not because he wasn't handsome,
but the family paid the ransom.
Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway?
That must've been hell in grade school.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??"
And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there.

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl
stuck in the back of his throat.
I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit.

Quote of the Day

“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”

-Dennis Freebasen

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.

Try again later.

Top Samuel Berger Excuses for Hiding Documents in Pants

1.	Was hoping only hot babes had clearance to read pages.
2.	In early stages of making a nest for baby starlings.
3.	Not everybody can afford a snazzy briefcase, Rockefeller.
4.	Trying to conceive children; needed to keep the boys warm.
5.	Classify this, motherfucker.

Whistlepig
Loud and sweet, the howling of the whistlepig erects my nipples like sails taut in the wind. Sailfish taught me to win by cheating at cards, like a cardinal at charms or an oriole with arms. Whistlepig, whistlepig, let me in, caught by... (8/23/04)

I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04)

What If?
What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04)