Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics

by Ray Manatino

September 20, 2004

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
but his wife was a big fat bitch.
Shit could she eat,
she ate all my beets
and my pickled pig's feets.
Next week poker's at your house, Jack.

The itsy, bitsy, spider
crawled up the water spout.
I almost fucking died,
did you see the size of that thing?
I just wanted a drink,
I didn't scream! I don't think.
Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self?
She's fat, not lame,
and Jack missed half the game!
I swear, you Sprats are miserable people.
Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill!

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
I think I hit him with my shoe,
what was I supposed to do?
I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock.

Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John
went to bed with his trousers on.
Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings??

Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife but couldn't keep her.
Not because he wasn't handsome,
but the family paid the ransom.
Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway?
That must've been hell in grade school.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??"
And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there.

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl
stuck in the back of his throat.
I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit.

Milestones

1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce "armistice" correctly.

Now Hiring

Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.

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1.	"Up/Down" directions never specified
2.	Reckless Generation Y refuses to wear protective equipment
3.	Ladder-deaths portrayed so glamorously in the movies
4.	Frequent union strikes by staircases leaving human helpless to descend to higher landings except by already overcrowded ladders
5.	Direct correlation to 50% increase in all-blind-cast productions of Our Town

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