04/26/25
Draw, huckleberry
|  Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classicsby Ray Manatino   September 20, 2004 Jack Sprat could eat no fatbut his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig's feets. Next week poker's at your house, Jack. The itsy, bitsy, spider crawled up the water spout. I almost fucking died, did you see the size of that thing? I just wanted a drink, I didn't scream! I don't think. Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self? She's fat, not lame, and Jack missed half the game! I swear, you Sprats are miserable people. Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill! Hickory, dickory, dock, The mouse ran up the clock. I think I hit him with my shoe, what was I supposed to do? I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock. Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John went to bed with his trousers on. Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings?? Peter Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn't keep her. Not because he wasn't handsome, but the family paid the ransom. Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway? That must've been hell in grade school. Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair; Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware" Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??" And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there. The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat, But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl stuck in the back of his throat. I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit. Milestones1990: Red Bagel's dark vision of the future presented in lecture form at a local college predicts a war in Iraq, though he incorrectly predicts the date as 2002. Unless… well, we'll wait and see, won't we?Now HiringBartender. Mix all variety of drinks, serve beers with a quick smile and friendly expression. Listening a must, flipping bottles and spinning like in Cocktail a plus. Must know when to cut off Ramrod Hurley—immediately—and when to cut off Red Bagel—never, if you like your job.5 Spin-Offs That Died in Production
 Whistlepig Loud and sweet, the howling of the whistlepig erects my nipples like sails taut in the wind. Sailfish taught me to win by cheating at cards, like a cardinal at charms or an oriole with arms. Whistlepig, whistlepig, let me in, caught by... (8/23/04) I Am the Girl From Nantucket Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04) What If? What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.