![]() Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classicsby Ray Manatino ![]() ![]() September 20, 2004 Jack Sprat could eat no fatbut his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig's feets. Next week poker's at your house, Jack. The itsy, bitsy, spider crawled up the water spout. I almost fucking died, did you see the size of that thing? I just wanted a drink, I didn't scream! I don't think. Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Somebody explain to me why Jill couldn't get it her damn self? She's fat, not lame, and Jack missed half the game! I swear, you Sprats are miserable people. Ha, bitch so fat, the hill climbed Jill! Hickory, dickory, dock, The mouse ran up the clock. I think I hit him with my shoe, what was I supposed to do? I can't believe you rednecks are pissed off I broke your clock. Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John went to bed with his trousers on. Wait a minute, who fucked my dumplings?? Peter Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn't keep her. Not because he wasn't handsome, but the family paid the ransom. Who the hell names their kid Peter Peter, anyway? That must've been hell in grade school. Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair; Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware" Said the pieman to Simple Simon "You want to taste me where??" And that's how Simple Simon got the pie stuck there. The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea In a beautiful pea-green boat, But the Pussycat died when he got the Owl stuck in the back of his throat. I mean, seriously, an Owl and a Pussycat? Shit. Quote of the Day“I can't quit you babe… you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaact… oh yes you do oh yes you do… your early termination fees are givin' me the blues… I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeah… I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in two…”-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson Fortune 500 CookieYou will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."Try again later. Top 5 commune Features This Week
![]() Whistlepig Loud and sweet, the howling of the whistlepig erects my nipples like sails taut in the wind. Sailfish taught me to win by cheating at cards, like a cardinal at charms or an oriole with arms. Whistlepig, whistlepig, let me in, caught by... (8/23/04) I Am the Girl From Nantucket Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04) What If? What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04) ![]() ![]() ![]() |