The King of the Road (Part 3)

Author's note: In preceding chapters, King Luthor of Kuntnose leads a valiant hodgepodge of near-warriors in a quest to defeat the evil dark enemy Rupert, by way of discovering the source of his dark power in the castle of Oogh. After narrowly bypassing certain danger at Volcano Mountain, Kuntnose, Sir Bainbridge the potentially brave knight, Linux the leprechaun, Feedle the large-for-a-dwarf, GiGijerod the geriatric wizard, and GiGijerod's flatulent dog Farts, continue on to Flower Valley, where they narrowly avoid certain casual sex when Kuntnose refuses to ask for directions and the band of fellows ends up in the Quaking Bog instead.

"It was a good thing we escaped that Bog before the ducks came out," sighed a relieved Bainbridge as the road wound its way into the open. "I think I even heard them quacking."

"It's the Quaking Bog, not the Quacking Bog, you illiterate moron," scorned Linux, who was distasteful after being the only one who had to use a snorkel to get through the bog, due to his height.

Suddenly, or perhaps gradually, none could say for sure since all were spacing out at the time, the road ahead was blocked by a tall, handsome man on a tall, horse-faced horse.

"I am Hunkley, son of Tolden the Son of a Bitch. And grandson of Hubert the Drunk," said the tall, hunkish man in the road.

"We welcome you into this band of fellows, young Hunkley," declared King Luthor of Kuntnose, who was pathologically unable to say no, which had resulted in the brief memberships of Ian the Lecherous and Stone Mahoney in the band of fellows, before both chose to shine on Kuntnose and take their own route to Flower Valley.

"I am also nephew of Todd Who Likes to Touch Young Girls," added Hunkley.

"That's enough, please," begged Kuntnose.

"I bring neither great strength nor cunning, nor any particular skill to dazzle the eye," explained Hunkley the tall and beautiful. "I bring instead… I'm sorry, I've forgotten what I bring."

"That's fine, we'll think of something along the way," said the King. "You can bring the wine."

At that moment, Feedle, who had disappeared for days within the Quaking Bog and was assumed to have been eaten by tropical girls, returned unexpectedly from a particularly long dump in the brambles.

"All right, who gave the dog pistachios?" whined Linux as a ripe stench befouled the air.

"That's not the dog," GiGijerod answered gravely. "The road ahead is guarded by a battalion of Dorks."

The band of fellows froze in their tracks, except for the ones who weren't moving at the time. They just kept up with the not moving. Dorks were foul, displeasant creatures, weak of body and thick of glasses. Linux liked to shoot them, but usually a murph would suffice in a pinch. The Dorks ahead were blocking the road, playing a game involving dice and fantasy.

"They are a horrible, ruint race, created by mixing Geeks and Milquetoasts," explained GiGijerod. GiGijerod's dog, Farts, farted in agreement.

"You really should do something about that dog, GiGijerod," complained Bainbridge. "He's about to put me off of my mayonnaise sandwich."

"This dog has-" GiGijerod began, the rest of his statement drowned out by a particularly long retort from Farts. And that settled it.

"We cannot risk the road that is guarded by Dorks," GiGijerod warned in his creaky old-man voice. "If we get into a conversation with them, we could be stuck here for hours, and Kuntnose would surely then ask them to join our band of fellows. We must travel to the north instead and ask the advice of Rubert the Wise."

"Wait wait wait wait," interrupted Linux, who was already readying his bow for Dork hunting. "Wasn't the whole point of this quest to defeat Rupert?"

"I didn't say Rupert the Evil, I said Rubert the Wise. Do try and keep up," GiGijerod scolded oldly. "Rupert and Rubert are entirely different people, and I can't believe you'd confuse them. It's really not that hard. We must ask wise Rubert for his counsel, and only then can we continue our quest to defeat Rubert. I mean Rupert."

For more of this great story, buy Lemon Chester's novel
The King of the Road

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