Whistlepig

by Violet Tiara

August 23, 2004

Loud and sweet,
the howling of the whistlepig
erects my nipples like
sails taut in the wind.

Sailfish taught me to win
by cheating at cards,
like a cardinal at charms
or an oriole with arms.

Whistlepig, whistlepig,
let me in,
caught by the hair
on your skinny tin fin.

It's just my luck to get fucked
on a wagon by Chuck
who'd suck a duck for a buck!

Old Spice tastes nice on rice,
but for half the price a calf with lice
will cough in your soupâ€”delicious!

Pernicious rumors spread by baby boomers
ruined my rep at the shipyards.
But playing cards with retards
will even get you barred from Menards.

Vietnam was the bomb,
that's word being spread by Deadheads.
And redheads like Ed's bed
according to the graffiti I've read.

Whistlepigs ain't that big,
but they feel like suede, sorta.
And they'll suck the fat from your aorta
like a lipo machine on Tommy Lasorda.

I'd bet an erector set
you'd wet the vet if you slept over.
I hear he's got a deer clinic in Andover
and he's got plastic sheets so come on over!

Cleats made from beets would fit my feet,
according to the guy at the shoe store.
But don't ask what he wears that noose for,
Unless you want to hear a moose roar.

Whistlepigs! Whistlepigs stole my dozen donuts!
I didn't tell them they could go nuts,
I just said that they could share one.
I guess they can't count or don't care none.

I'm most pissed that one with the horizontal wrinkles
made off with the pink mint sprinkles.
This is a topping with which I'm quite taken,
but today I'll have to settle for Whistlebacon!

Quote of the Day

“Christ on a bike! Did anybody else see that guy that looked just like Jesus Christ riding by on a bicycle a minute ago?”

-LeVonn Marthers

Fortune 500 Cookie

Last week was your best week; sorry we're late getting to you about that. From here on out, your life's gonna be shit on chips. Your dreams of becoming a major baseball star will be derailed this week by the fact that you couldn't hit a cow in the ass with a shovel. Stop using the term "Gay Bash," at once: it does not mean a fun party for homosexuals. This week's lucky Bings: Crosby, Chandler, Bada, cherries, the sound of a superball being shot out of an air cannon into an old woman's neck flap.

Try again later.

Unlikeliest Candidates for New Pope

1.	Joe Piscopo (Hereby known as Joe Piscopope)
2.	Winner of three-man guitar contest between Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Joe Satriani
3.	Real Pope, once impostor is out of the way
4.	Pope's son Iggy Pope
5.	Jimmy Cutler, winner of 2002 American Pope reality show contest, waiting all this time for his big chance

I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04)

What If?
What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04)

Dick Food
The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint like bubblegum in the mouth of the oldest spoiled daughter of this widow I've been screwing for beer money. Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives at the dog track. Run, you... (5/3/04)