Whistlepig

by Violet Tiara

August 23, 2004

Loud and sweet,
the howling of the whistlepig
erects my nipples like
sails taut in the wind.

Sailfish taught me to win
by cheating at cards,
like a cardinal at charms
or an oriole with arms.

Whistlepig, whistlepig,
let me in,
caught by the hair
on your skinny tin fin.

It's just my luck to get fucked
on a wagon by Chuck
who'd suck a duck for a buck!

Old Spice tastes nice on rice,
but for half the price a calf with lice
will cough in your soupâ€”delicious!

Pernicious rumors spread by baby boomers
ruined my rep at the shipyards.
But playing cards with retards
will even get you barred from Menards.

Vietnam was the bomb,
that's word being spread by Deadheads.
And redheads like Ed's bed
according to the graffiti I've read.

Whistlepigs ain't that big,
but they feel like suede, sorta.
And they'll suck the fat from your aorta
like a lipo machine on Tommy Lasorda.

I'd bet an erector set
you'd wet the vet if you slept over.
I hear he's got a deer clinic in Andover
and he's got plastic sheets so come on over!

Cleats made from beets would fit my feet,
according to the guy at the shoe store.
But don't ask what he wears that noose for,
Unless you want to hear a moose roar.

Whistlepigs! Whistlepigs stole my dozen donuts!
I didn't tell them they could go nuts,
I just said that they could share one.
I guess they can't count or don't care none.

I'm most pissed that one with the horizontal wrinkles
made off with the pink mint sprinkles.
This is a topping with which I'm quite taken,
but today I'll have to settle for Whistlebacon!

Quote of the Day

“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”

-Dred Scott Drummond

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.

Try again later.

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