Whistlepig

by Violet Tiara

August 23, 2004

Loud and sweet,
the howling of the whistlepig
erects my nipples like
sails taut in the wind.

Sailfish taught me to win
by cheating at cards,
like a cardinal at charms
or an oriole with arms.

Whistlepig, whistlepig,
let me in,
caught by the hair
on your skinny tin fin.

It's just my luck to get fucked
on a wagon by Chuck
who'd suck a duck for a buck!

Old Spice tastes nice on rice,
but for half the price a calf with lice
will cough in your soupâ€”delicious!

Pernicious rumors spread by baby boomers
ruined my rep at the shipyards.
But playing cards with retards
will even get you barred from Menards.

Vietnam was the bomb,
that's word being spread by Deadheads.
And redheads like Ed's bed
according to the graffiti I've read.

Whistlepigs ain't that big,
but they feel like suede, sorta.
And they'll suck the fat from your aorta
like a lipo machine on Tommy Lasorda.

I'd bet an erector set
you'd wet the vet if you slept over.
I hear he's got a deer clinic in Andover
and he's got plastic sheets so come on over!

Cleats made from beets would fit my feet,
according to the guy at the shoe store.
But don't ask what he wears that noose for,
Unless you want to hear a moose roar.

Whistlepigs! Whistlepigs stole my dozen donuts!
I didn't tell them they could go nuts,
I just said that they could share one.
I guess they can't count or don't care none.

I'm most pissed that one with the horizontal wrinkles
made off with the pink mint sprinkles.
This is a topping with which I'm quite taken,
but today I'll have to settle for Whistlebacon!

Quote of the Day

“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.

Top Fake Names Used for Fraudulent Repeat Voting

1.	Reginald Bushsucks
2.	Jon Bon Jovi
3.	Sir Votesalot
4.	John Jacob Jesushammersshit
5.	Barack Obama

I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days. Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a... (6/28/04)

What If?
What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04)

Dick Food
The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint like bubblegum in the mouth of the oldest spoiled daughter of this widow I've been screwing for beer money. Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives at the dog track. Run, you... (5/3/04)