Help Me Get a DVD Box Set

Did you know ALF is coming out on DVD? No kidding, ALF, the show with the puppet doing vaudeville. I hated that stupid show, and not just because they wouldn't hire me to play the title character. But they're not the only one. What's Happening?, Magnum, P.I., The Dukes of Hazzard—these aren't what I'd call classic shows. Okay, I'll give you Dukes, except for the Coy and Vance years. But I'm sure you know where this is leading—Where's my show?

Maybe it only lasted three years, but there's a lot of classics that lasted less time than that. What about Sledge Hammer! or The Richard Pryor Show? Those lasted less time than my show and they get the honor of DVD release. I don't really see the difference. Are you TV types trying to say Who's Your Daddy? doesn't rate? I talk to people all the time who remember that show. Not my creditors, but people on the street and stuff remember it. I always get, "Hey, you're the Who's Your Daddy? girl!" Or, "Wow, I just caught the Who's Your Daddy? girl shoplifting in my store!" Does that sound like a show nobody remembers?

Don't lecture to me about costs. We already filmed the shows, and I know I'm not getting any revenue from them sitting around in your big-ass TV vaults. We had this discussion before, TV biz, and you didn't want to air them on TV Land or Nick at Nite. So let's forget that battle. What about DVD? You can release all the seasons in three cheap box sets, make everybody a cool little cash, and you're not taking up expensive airwaves with them. Jiminy, I saw Who's the Boss? sitting on a DVD shelf at the local store, you can't tell me people were standing in line to get that? At least give me a goddamn shot.

I got bills, bills, bills, guys. It's not like anybody ever died from releasing a TV series that wasn't a ratings blockbuster. That first year TV Guide called us a "show with promise"… you don't hear that but two or three times a year from them. Sure, I got caught in that crack den during the summer (once again: just visiting some friends) and the show took a dive from there, but still, that first season brings back some awful good memories for me. I bet I'm not the only one.

I'd jump at the chance to do DVD commentary, if you're wondering. Get the show creator, Nills Fiberglass, me and him will sit down and jaw on forever about how it all came to be. I actually did a hell of a lot on the show, which is why they legally have to retro-credit me as creative consultant. And don't sweat about Brad Van Danner dying last year, I visited him a while back and recorded our conversations. We didn't talk about the show, but I've got enough stuff that sounds like we were talking about it. Lines like, "I can't believe how much it hurts" and "To think of what I could have done with my life instead" are vague enough, we could fit them in anywhere.

So give the people what they want. And by people, I mean me. I need some dough, and I hear the Seinfeld people are getting a major cut of their DVD sales. Not that I want to ride that death ship. You can deal me out, settle up with me ahead of time for a good two or three hundred bucks, forsaking all future royalties. But I'm telling you, it's a good idea. Hell, you'll never know until you try it, so let's do it. Give me a time and place, I'll show up with enough anecdotes to choke James Lipton.

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