I do not feel chatty today, unwashed reading masses. A certain boil in a location I will not describe has chosen this week for its uprising. I'm typing this column standing up, and that always makes me a little lightheaded. Fortunately, even a little lightheaded, I can see through Hollywood's wax paper veneer. Let's dish out cinematic justice…


Now on DVD

The Girl Next Door
Mmm, porn! It fills every crack of this movie. Elisha Cuthbert, from the TV show 24 and whose name I always misspell in my diary, plays the porn star in question, who moves next door to a virgin, apparently for the exclusive purpose of having sex with him in this teenage wet dream that somehow typed itself out. You could pour German chocolate over every frame of this trash heap and still be stuck with a tasteless film. I hear the unrated version on DVD has 25% more smarm.

The Punisher
Whom is being punished? Say it with me: The Audience! I realize how easy that little verbal whiplash was, but I guarantee I put more thought into it than the producers did this movie. Here's a never-before-seen concept: A cop loses his wife and daughter, and then goes on a killing spree for nothing but pure, good revenge. Some nerds, many my brethren, will defend this movie since it is based on a comic book. Do not listen. The comic book itself was based on the very last word in movie clichés, and deserves to be burned to the ground. John Travolta's presence does nothing but remind me we somehow keep letting him comeback. From now on, no films where he doesn't talk about hamburgers and milkshakes. I think that's more than fair.

The Passion of the Christ
There are several men who I would like to see get beat to a bloody pulp for three hours, but even though I consider myself agnostic, Christ is not one of them. Couldn't this film be about Mel Gibson himself? How about George W., or a real cinematic criminal like Jerry Bruckheimer? Was Rob Schneider unavailable? I give the concept two thumbs up, but bringing Jesus into it really stunk. Now flocks and flocks of mindless devotees feel obligated to sit through a Roman beatdown because they think it proves what a good Christian they are. Nope. Helping your fellow man, donating to charities, giving a single damn about somebody in one day, that would prove your commitment to Christianity. I am familiar enough with the religion to know there's no verse that suggests you "witness the ass-tanning of Christ" to grow spiritually. Boo, Mel. Also, it's a minor complaint, but… The Christ? The Christ?!? I know with some disturbed fans it's The Batman, but is this the kind of company the son of God wants to keep?


There. A single column in which I can offend porn fans and Christians, that's more than a day's work. I'm off to rent movies with subtitles. You know, the scary reading words at the bottom of the moving picture? Au revoir.

August 9, 2004
Hola, America! That's about all the Spanish I know, but I wanted to give the column a little International flair this week. Why? Shit if I know. Anyway, thanks for stopping by once again for all the reviews you care to peruse. Like the way I... (8/9/04)

July 12, 2004
Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which... (7/12/04)

June 28, 2004
The popular assumption is that Hollywood stopped making movies sometime last year, and have attempted to cover it up by releasing every television show ever made on DVD. Is it true? I'm not sure, but apparently there will be some movies newly... (6/28/04)

June 14, 2004
Whabang! And as simple as that we're back, America, for more of the movie review taste adults have grown to tolerate. It's grrrrrrrrr-decent! I'm your host, captain, and father figure Roland McShyster, here once again to brave the torrent of flops... (6/14/04)