Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which is a good thing since I wasn't looking forward to having to go back into the archives and review Castroblanca yet again. Let's take a look at what mother bird is stuffing down our throats this week, shall we?

In Theaters Now:

Fahrvergnugen 9/11
Singing/acting cyborg sensation Mandy Moore has teenybopped her way into a new genre with her first documentary this month, a hard-hitting look at the Bush family's ties to the Volkswagen corporation and German extremists more interested in making a profit than dancing around in those funny little shortpants for our entertainment. Though I personally give about a shit and a half about how some overrated British hair/grunge band spends their money, apparently the Seattle sound is a hot-button issue for the upcoming election and everybody's getting their flannel in a twist about this film. The good news is that Moore proves as adept a documentary filmmaker as she has a singer, actress, veterinarian, corporate CEO, cooking show host and Olympic gymnast since hatching from that cryogenics lab a short time ago. The bad news? There's plenty of Bush, but no tits.

I, Gobot
Hollywood finally gets it right by making a lame knock-off movie about the lamest knock-off toy ever, the Gobots. And who better to star than the king of lame knock-off songs and movies, Will Smith? I don't know, really. There might be somebody especially lame out there I'm not thinking of, but I think Will Smith was a pretty spot-on choice. He's got a look that just screams "lame-o," which saves a lot of time in explaining to the audience what the movie's about and if it's going to suck or not. He was probably worth his paycheck for the lame pedigree he brings to the film alone, a credible lameocity that another actor would have had to work hard to establish, before the audience got to thinking that the move might be kind of okay. As for the film itself, it's kind of okay in the sense that we're not likely to go to war with any Middle Eastern countries over it, but that's the best thing I can say about it. The special effects aren't all that special, though I guess hiring a guy just for "effects" is some kind of insulting no-no in the movie biz these days. They CGI the Gobots transformations pretty well, but since they stayed true to the source material you're stuck with the unintentional comedy of the Gobot leader transforming into a coffee machine when the action starts, and when his love-interest Gobot changes into a pogo stick it's pretty hard to take the movie seriously. Will Smith does a pretty good job of turning into Eddie Murphy about half way into the movie, though as with the Gobots you're more or less just left wishing you'd spent the last two hours watching the real thing.

King Arthur
I read somewhere that perseverance is a virtue, and if that's true you have to tip your cap to the brains behind the Arthur series of movies, who didn't let a minor hiccup like the death of the franchise's star keep them from dealing out the sequels like a mimeograph machine. This time it's presumably far-from-death teen sweat machine Freddie Prinz Jr. in the title role, and the producers have set the series' third film somewhat anachronistically in the middle ages so they could throw in a bunch of Lord of the Rings shit and cast that hot pirate girl without confusing audiences who don't understand that movies aren't real. The end result is a lot like eating a whole bag of Milk Duds by yourself, though not for the obvious reasons.


Well America, it's come to an end yet again. Like many of you, I was starting to hope this column would go on forever. And it will, in a way, since we'll be back again in a few weeks and really everything on the Internet sort of lasts forever anyway, but that sort of makes your brain hurt to think about it so forget I said anything.

June 28, 2004
The popular assumption is that Hollywood stopped making movies sometime last year, and have attempted to cover it up by releasing every television show ever made on DVD. Is it true? I'm not sure, but apparently there will be some movies newly... (6/28/04)

June 14, 2004
Whabang! And as simple as that we're back, America, for more of the movie review taste adults have grown to tolerate. It's grrrrrrrrr-decent! I'm your host, captain, and father figure Roland McShyster, here once again to brave the torrent of flops... (6/14/04)

May 31, 2004
There's apparently a new Roland Emmerich film out at the box office. Wall-to-wall disaster, gargantuan catastrophe destroying the world, an apocalypse like we've never seen before—I haven't heard anything about it, but I'll bet your last cent... (5/31/04)

May 17, 2004
Hello readers, and welcome to the greatest Entertainment Police ever. Sure, we can't say for certain that this truly will be the best the column's ever been, especially since I just started writing it, but we can hope, can't we? After all, it's a... (5/17/04)

May 3, 2004
I'm too sickened to even lecture you today. Someone killed Gorodon, my level 4 elf yesterday. I dedicate this column to his memory, and may Chet, our Dungeon Master, spend eternity plagued by the harm he's done. In... (5/3/04)