The popular assumption is that Hollywood stopped making movies sometime last year, and have attempted to cover it up by releasing every television show ever made on DVD. Is it true? I'm not sure, but apparently there will be some movies newly released on DVD in the next few weeks. You may run across them while picking up your copy of Six Feet Under: The Complete Second Season. If you receive any of these mysterious "movies" as gifts, I'll try to inform you what you're in for.

Now on DVD

Cold Mountain
A-lister Nicole Kidman headlines yet another movie, as a result of winning Tom's fame in the divorce, but her Southern accents holds the credibility of their Hollywood marriage. I'm not sure how good a carpenter director Anthony Minghella is, but my best is he could have carved a more action-packed motion picture from a cypress tree. Some reviewers have said the book is much better than the movie, which just proves my point that all reviewers are now officially illiterate. Not that the book was any good—after all, if it had been, they would have made a movie out of it, right?

The Dreamers
This film is a poetic ode to the films of the French New Wave, with lots and lots of pubic hair. As is common with Bertolucci's work, it's a remarkable portrayal of the energy and vitality of youth, with gigantic breasts. At last, a film that explores the charm of idealism and love, and shows penises. A must-see film for anyone under 17 who cannot rent porn.

Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London
A better subtitle would have been "Destination Home Video," but alas, they don't hire me to title these things. The kid from that TV show I can't stand has graduated to films I can't stomach, so let's give him a big Bronx cheer for that. Apparently modern young people have a surplus of money to spend and a lack of taste. I take some comfort in picturing viewers of this movie years from now, as geriatrics who have to explain with only foggy memories why movies like this were produced to their grandchildren, who have pierced genitals and wear assless jeans, yet will still have a superiority complex once they get wind of this crap.


Cinematic justice doled up here. Come back next month if you want some, Hollywood.

June 14, 2004
Whabang! And as simple as that we're back, America, for more of the movie review taste adults have grown to tolerate. It's grrrrrrrrr-decent! I'm your host, captain, and father figure Roland McShyster, here once again to brave the torrent of flops... (6/14/04)

May 31, 2004
There's apparently a new Roland Emmerich film out at the box office. Wall-to-wall disaster, gargantuan catastrophe destroying the world, an apocalypse like we've never seen before—I haven't heard anything about it, but I'll bet your last cent... (5/31/04)

May 17, 2004
Hello readers, and welcome to the greatest Entertainment Police ever. Sure, we can't say for certain that this truly will be the best the column's ever been, especially since I just started writing it, but we can hope, can't we? After all, it's a... (5/17/04)