04/3/26
Not really trying since 2001
|  I Am the Girl From Nantucketby Chandra Hiccough   June 28, 2004 Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days.
Stand back and smell the magic: There once was a girl from Nantucket, Her anatomy oft compared to a bucket; Unfair was the claim Made against this fair dame, Did I mention her name was... ah, fuck it. Let's try this again. There once was a MAN from Nantucket, Who would eat up clam then upchuck it; So disgusting his trick As to make a girl sick, I wish I'd had the reflexes to duck it. No, no, no. Why do I always end up writing about dad? There once was a man from Toledo, Who could not control his libido; He liked little girls All dressed up in curls, And he watched as he ate his burrito. Damn, grandpa. This is harder than it looks. Sorry everyone. There once was a dog from Ann Arbor, Who loved to swim laps in the harbor; Not even his shrink Could get him to think, There was no harbor in Ann Arbor. Okay, that was just strange. At least I got back to the city name at the end, though. Again. There once was a man from Chicago, Who slurred and drove an old Monte Carlo; He cursed his shit car As it rolled away from the bar, "Hey everybody, look at that Chi-ca-go!" Next. There once was a girl from El Paso, who caught riding bulls with a lasso; But Elle held deep inside Thoughts of suicide, And when hung from the lasso, El Paso. Oh my God. This is getting depressing. There once was a girl from Detroit Who was curious about Being John Voight; Dee pondered the portal And her doubts proved her mortal, But when the time came to try it, Detroit. Hey, not bad, almost there. Ah, who am I kidding? There once was a girl from Miami, whose awful limericks made her friends' palms go clammy; But rather than admit her defeat She conceived this poetic deceit, So sorry for the whammy, Miami. Quote of the Day“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret it—all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”-Ambruce Fierce Fortune 500 CookieStick it where the sun don't shine—that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.Try again later. Top 5 Worst Ways to Start a Letter
 What If? What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their... (5/31/04) Dick Food The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint like bubblegum in the mouth of the oldest spoiled daughter of this widow I've been screwing for beer money. Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives at the dog track. Run, you... (5/3/04) Hungry Like a Wolf I'm hungry like a wolf that just ate a whole big-ass bag of Purina but then he saw something really funny and was laughing so hard he barfed it all up. Dark in the city, night is a wire, steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Holy shit,... (4/5/04)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.