I Am the Girl From Nantucket

by Chandra Hiccough

June 28, 2004

Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days.

Stand back and smell the magic:

There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Her anatomy oft compared to a bucket;
Unfair was the claim
Made against this fair dame,
Did I mention her name was...
ah, fuck it.

Let's try this again.

There once was a MAN from Nantucket,
Who would eat up clam then upchuck it;
So disgusting his trick
As to make a girl sick,
I wish I'd had the reflexes to duck it.

No, no, no. Why do I always end up writing about dad?

There once was a man from Toledo,
Who could not control his libido;
He liked little girls
All dressed up in curls,
And he watched as he ate his burrito.

Damn, grandpa. This is harder than it looks. Sorry everyone.

There once was a dog from Ann Arbor,
Who loved to swim laps in the harbor;
Not even his shrink
Could get him to think,
There was no harbor in Ann Arbor.

Okay, that was just strange. At least I got back to the city name at the end, though. Again.

There once was a man from Chicago,
Who slurred and drove an old Monte Carlo;
He cursed his shit car
As it rolled away from the bar,
"Hey everybody, look at that Chi-ca-go!"

Next.

There once was a girl from El Paso,
who caught riding bulls with a lasso;
But Elle held deep inside
Thoughts of suicide,
And when hung from the lasso, El Paso.

Oh my God. This is getting depressing.

There once was a girl from Detroit
Who was curious about Being John Voight;
Dee pondered the portal
And her doubts proved her mortal,
But when the time came to try it, Detroit.

Hey, not bad, almost there. Ah, who am I kidding?

There once was a girl from Miami,
whose awful limericks made her friends' palms go clammy;
But rather than admit her defeat
She conceived this poetic deceit,
So sorry for the whammy, Miami.

Milestones

2002: Office prick and former Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley successfully turns 30, leading us on an endless week-long binge of bitching, moaning, and strange acts of vandalism we hope not to repeat this year.

Now Hiring

Big Fat Patsy. 'Cause we're not taking the rap for this, see. We must look like a real all-day sucker to you, yeah, a sucker, with a big fat wrapper. Boy, should we have seen it coming! Played like a two-bit piano from day one. Backstabbing dames need not apply.

Women Other Than Christina Ricci We Want Chained to Our Radiator

1.	Original Wednesday Addams, Lisa Loring
2.	Landladyâ€”You spend the night there and tell me it's heating just fine
3.	Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (still count as one)
4.	Diana Rigg, circa 1968; or now, what the hell
5.	Anybody but that hippie chick protesting for radiator rights I got now

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