I Am the Girl From Nantucket

by Chandra Hiccough

June 28, 2004

Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days.

Stand back and smell the magic:

There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Her anatomy oft compared to a bucket;
Unfair was the claim
Made against this fair dame,
Did I mention her name was...
ah, fuck it.

Let's try this again.

There once was a MAN from Nantucket,
Who would eat up clam then upchuck it;
So disgusting his trick
As to make a girl sick,
I wish I'd had the reflexes to duck it.

No, no, no. Why do I always end up writing about dad?

There once was a man from Toledo,
Who could not control his libido;
He liked little girls
All dressed up in curls,
And he watched as he ate his burrito.

Damn, grandpa. This is harder than it looks. Sorry everyone.

There once was a dog from Ann Arbor,
Who loved to swim laps in the harbor;
Not even his shrink
Could get him to think,
There was no harbor in Ann Arbor.

Okay, that was just strange. At least I got back to the city name at the end, though. Again.

There once was a man from Chicago,
Who slurred and drove an old Monte Carlo;
He cursed his shit car
As it rolled away from the bar,
"Hey everybody, look at that Chi-ca-go!"

Next.

There once was a girl from El Paso,
who caught riding bulls with a lasso;
But Elle held deep inside
Thoughts of suicide,
And when hung from the lasso, El Paso.

Oh my God. This is getting depressing.

There once was a girl from Detroit
Who was curious about Being John Voight;
Dee pondered the portal
And her doubts proved her mortal,
But when the time came to try it, Detroit.

Hey, not bad, almost there. Ah, who am I kidding?

There once was a girl from Miami,
whose awful limericks made her friends' palms go clammy;
But rather than admit her defeat
She conceived this poetic deceit,
So sorry for the whammy, Miami.

Quote of the Day

“You can't tell me what to do. Unless I was already just about to do the thing you said. Then I'll do what you say, but not because you said to do it. Hold on; let me draw up a flow chart.”

-Pistain Johnson

Fortune 500 Cookie

In retrospect, it was a mistake to name your jewelry store "Who Faahted?" Try learning a new song this week: Everybody's sick of the theme from Ice Pirates. You'll get lucky in the market this week: all your stocks will plummet, but you're going to get laid by a butcher. This week's lucky terms of endearment: Ninjatits, Daddy's Little Freebaser, Grape Ape, President Precious, Monsieur Brabuster.

Try again later.

Top 5 Ways Bush Could Raise Approval Rating

1.	Replace Hugh Jackman in next X-Men sequel
2.	Give out free abortion to pro-choicers on Roe v. Wade anniversary; for pro-lifers, kill convicted criminal
3.	Be seen everywhere with new wheelchair-bound friend
4.	Go on Leno, punch Tom Cruise right in sack
5.	Win war on terrorism, declare war on disagreement next

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