There's apparently a new Roland Emmerich film out at the box office. Wall-to-wall disaster, gargantuan catastrophe destroying the world, an apocalypse like we've never seen before—I haven't heard anything about it, but I'll bet your last cent it's an accurate review. Now, let's pretend the summer box office season doesn't exist and spend our time ridiculing the upcoming DVD releases.

In Theaters

Monster
Hollywood's orgasmic response to this film, and specifically Charlize Theron in it, only reinforces my theory that Hollywood doesn't believe unattractive people really exist. Apparently there was a real female serial killer who was more "mass populace" in her appearance, and west coast California filmmakers couldn't figure out how to capture her brutality on film, so they cast a very attractive box office star and some prosthetics to convey just how ugly she was. Then they took a script from another TV movie in progress about a female serial killer and we got Monster.

50 First Dates
Every once in a while you build up expectations so high, they can't possibly be met. All my friends at the Critics' Circle chat room, most of them pinheads, sold me on this movie so much I couldn't wait to see it—Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in a date movie? This was going to be horrific! The absolute worst picture to come along in decades. It would make Waterworld look like King Lear. Well, let's just say I built my hopes up too high. Sure, the cast is insipid, but not nearly disgraceful enough as, say, Happy Gilmore. Sandler almost retained some of the dopey likeability from Punch-Drunk Love, which I also despised. Barrymore had her Barrymore-like innocence on display, and some moments were almost worth not snidely exhaling at. By all means, don't see it, but I found it to be a big letdown as a critical timebomb. My own fault, I suppose, for not expecting less.

Bad Santa
Bad script. Bad plot. Bad sentiment. Bad acting. Bad supporting cast. Bad costumes. Bad jokes. Bad language. Bad directors. Bad two hours. Just bad.


Thanks to the magic of modern technology, you can take home each one of these films to own, and embarrass yourself when friends come over and peruse your shelves. Practice saying, "I got it as a birthday present." No one will be any wiser. Speaking of bad films, I'm off to catch a matinee of The Day After Tomorrow because I think my negative adjectives are falling into disuse lately. See you again, after the disaster.

May 17, 2004
Hello readers, and welcome to the greatest Entertainment Police ever. Sure, we can't say for certain that this truly will be the best the column's ever been, especially since I just started writing it, but we can hope, can't we? After all, it's a... (5/17/04)

May 3, 2004
I'm too sickened to even lecture you today. Someone killed Gorodon, my level 4 elf yesterday. I dedicate this column to his memory, and may Chet, our Dungeon Master, spend eternity plagued by the harm he's done. In... (5/3/04)

April 19, 2004
Holy crap, America. That just about sums it up, doesn't it? Kind of makes you wonder why all those philosophers throughout history wasted so much of our time with their excess verbiage. Speaking of such, let's cut to the chase and chase down this... (4/19/04)