What If?

by Dr. Malcolm Zooter

May 31, 2004

What if the sky revolves
around the earth,
like a player-piano roll
cranked by a troll
that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl?

What if pineapples were alive?
What if they are?
How do you feel about cracking open their spiny skulls
and feeding on their juicy, delicious yellow brains
now that you know?
I thought so.

What if Africa turned out not to be a place at all,
but merely a concept?
Have you been there?
I'd think carefully before I answered that
if I were wearing your ostrich-feathered hat.

What if blondes really have less fun
but lie about it to protect their reputation?
What do you think of your deceitful whores now,
gentlemen?

What if all coma victims are faking it?
What if you could eat a cake while baking it?
What if the guy in the coma
smelled that cakey aroma
and his hunger drove him to forsaking it?

What if I were to impugn
we never put a man on the moon
and the footage instead was from Venus?
What if the moon is a secret ice-cream factory
and NASA found it unsatisfactory
to land on a planet rhyming with penis?

What if USA really stands for Unionized Secretary's Association?
And we're all unknowing secretaries... the whole nation!
Let's keep this between you and me.
You go get me some coffee,
while I check my breasts for lactation.

What if you're not really reading this poem
but are really floating up a tree's phloem?
A bit of tree sap that's dreaming
shouldn't find it demeaning
just because up a tree's ass you roam.

Quote of the Day

“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy

Fortune 500 Cookie

All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.

Best-Selling Video Games

1.	Grand Theft Ottoman
2.	The Al Qaeda Flight Simulator
3.	Rockabilly Jeopardy
4.	Jerry Seinfeld's X-Treme Game About Nothing
5.	Final Fantasy XI: Judy and Audrey Landers

Dick Food
The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint like bubblegum in the mouth of the oldest spoiled daughter of this widow I've been screwing for beer money. Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives at the dog track. Run, you... (5/3/04)

Hungry Like a Wolf
I'm hungry like a wolf that just ate a whole big-ass bag of Purina but then he saw something really funny and was laughing so hard he barfed it all up. Dark in the city, night is a wire, steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Holy shit,... (4/5/04)

Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon)
Connie bought an opal ("Abalone coupon night!") from Constantinople. (Flint postmen croon. A) Dennis killed a dentist (dissident knelt Daniel) at noon on a weekend. (down on one knee at a) Eustace was the loosest (teahouse. "Slow... (3/8/04)