03/12/26
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|  What If?by Dr. Malcolm Zooter   May 31, 2004 What if the sky revolvesaround the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their spiny skulls and feeding on their juicy, delicious yellow brains now that you know? I thought so. What if Africa turned out not to be a place at all, but merely a concept? Have you been there? I'd think carefully before I answered that if I were wearing your ostrich-feathered hat. What if blondes really have less fun but lie about it to protect their reputation? What do you think of your deceitful whores now, gentlemen? What if all coma victims are faking it? What if you could eat a cake while baking it? What if the guy in the coma smelled that cakey aroma and his hunger drove him to forsaking it? What if I were to impugn we never put a man on the moon and the footage instead was from Venus? What if the moon is a secret ice-cream factory and NASA found it unsatisfactory to land on a planet rhyming with penis? What if USA really stands for Unionized Secretary's Association? And we're all unknowing secretaries... the whole nation! Let's keep this between you and me. You go get me some coffee, while I check my breasts for lactation. What if you're not really reading this poem but are really floating up a tree's phloem? A bit of tree sap that's dreaming shouldn't find it demeaning just because up a tree's ass you roam. Quote of the Day“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”-Gilgamesh Sullivan Fortune 500 CookieYou will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.Try again later. Top 5 Bush Second-Term Pledges
 Dick Food The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint like bubblegum in the mouth of the oldest spoiled daughter of this widow I've been screwing for beer money. Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives at the dog track. Run, you... (5/3/04) Hungry Like a Wolf I'm hungry like a wolf that just ate a whole big-ass bag of Purina but then he saw something really funny and was laughing so hard he barfed it all up. Dark in the city, night is a wire, steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Holy shit,... (4/5/04) Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon) Connie bought an opal ("Abalone coupon night!") from Constantinople. (Flint postmen croon. A) Dennis killed a dentist (dissident knelt Daniel) at noon on a weekend. (down on one knee at a) Eustace was the loosest (teahouse. "Slow... (3/8/04)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.