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09/13/25   
Phoning it in since 1997

What If?

by Dr. Malcolm Zooter
bio/email
May 31, 2004
What if the sky revolves
around the earth,
like a player-piano roll
cranked by a troll
that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl?

What if pineapples were alive?
What if they are?
How do you feel about cracking open their spiny skulls
and feeding on their juicy, delicious yellow brains
now that you know?
I thought so.

What if Africa turned out not to be a place at all,
but merely a concept?
Have you been there?
I'd think carefully before I answered that
if I were wearing your ostrich-feathered hat.

What if blondes really have less fun
but lie about it to protect their reputation?
What do you think of your deceitful whores now,
gentlemen?

What if all coma victims are faking it?
What if you could eat a cake while baking it?
What if the guy in the coma
smelled that cakey aroma
and his hunger drove him to forsaking it?

What if I were to impugn
we never put a man on the moon
and the footage instead was from Venus?
What if the moon is a secret ice-cream factory
and NASA found it unsatisfactory
to land on a planet rhyming with penis?

What if USA really stands for Unionized Secretary's Association?
And we're all unknowing secretaries... the whole nation!
Let's keep this between you and me.
You go get me some coffee,
while I check my breasts for lactation.

What if you're not really reading this poem
but are really floating up a tree's phloem?
A bit of tree sap that's dreaming
shouldn't find it demeaning
just because up a tree's ass you roam.


Quote of the Day
“It is a wise man who makes a career of providing quotes, for the dollar-to-word ratio is fantastic. Eat your heart out, novelists.”

-Beenjammin Lynn-Frank
Fortune 500 Cookie
You! In the yellow shirt! You’re going to have an awful week. Move along now. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but your lifetime ban from the municipal aquarium still applies. Those repressed childhood memories you’ve been having about animal abuse and a shady-looking construction site? That was Donkey Kong. Try eating something with at least 17 letters in it this week: mailboxes and Alpha-Bits don’t count. Your lucky dong accessories: ornaments, jingle bells, argyle cock sock, festive wreath, racing stripe, spare donut.



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