![]() Dick Foodby Jay Salinas ![]() ![]() May 3, 2004 The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint
like bubblegum in the mouth of the oldest spoiled daughter of this widow I've been screwing for beer money. Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives at the dog track. Run, you shitbreathed little mutt! Did I really bet my last five bucks on this three-legged Shi Tsu? I gotta stop drinking Bicardi. The only picture in my room is of me having sex with a porcelain carousel horse at the fair. Jesus, who paid to get this thing framed? The only thing worse than a facial scar you don't remember getting is one you do. Blurry memories of flying fists after mooning the Special-Ed bus. Pissed-off retards, blood on a wheelchair, unintelligible screams and a hearing aid in the street. Some asshole on the next bar stool over saying you got your ass handed to you by a bunch of grade-school retards. You take a swing and knock some old lady off the wrong stool. Kick me out? I'll kick this bar out of me! Hey, fuck you, I know what I'm talking about. I lost my virginity when I was seven years old. Dad said he thought the escort service handled birthday clowns, too. Mom just looked at him the way she did with her glass eye spinning around like a pissed-off top. Dad and I never got along until I was fifteen and I kicked his ass for stealing my smokes. That got his attention and he finally bought me the pony I'd always wanted. Dad cooked that pony on the lawn and served it at my sixteenth birthday party. He said he caught it having sex with mom and he was pissed because in the middle her glass eye shot out across the room and busted his golf trophy from high school. Dammit, who keeps letting these skanky women into my bed? I think there's three of them living in there under the covers. I'm gonna need to pin an eviction notice to the sheets or something. Milestones1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."Now HiringWeb Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now.Top Unsigned Retro 70s Funk Bands
![]() Hungry Like a Wolf I'm hungry like a wolf that just ate a whole big-ass bag of Purina but then he saw something really funny and was laughing so hard he barfed it all up. Dark in the city, night is a wire, steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Holy shit,... (4/5/04) Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon) Connie bought an opal ("Abalone coupon night!") from Constantinople. (Flint postmen croon. A) Dennis killed a dentist (dissident knelt Daniel) at noon on a weekend. (down on one knee at a) Eustace was the loosest (teahouse. "Slow... (3/8/04) Your Sister? Your sister? I kissed her, because I thought she was you! …and you had the flu that made you gain a pound or two. Or twenty. Seriously, deliriously I did mack on her lips, but I thought I was eating chips all smothered in dips! ... (2/23/04) ![]() ![]() ![]() |