Dick Food

by Jay Salinas

May 3, 2004

The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint
like bubblegum in the mouth
of the oldest spoiled daughter
of this widow I've been screwing for beer money.

Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives
at the dog track.
Run, you shitbreathed little mutt!
Did I really bet my last five bucks
on this three-legged Shi Tsu?

I gotta stop drinking Bicardi.
The only picture in my room
is of me having sex
with a porcelain carousel horse at the fair.
Jesus, who paid to get this thing framed?

The only thing worse than a facial scar you don't remember getting
is one you do.
Blurry memories of flying fists after mooning
the Special-Ed bus.
Pissed-off retards, blood on a wheelchair,
unintelligible screams and a hearing aid in the street.
Some asshole on the next bar stool over
saying you got your ass handed to you by a
bunch
of grade-school retards.
You take a swing and knock some old lady off the wrong stool.
Kick me out? I'll kick this bar out of me!
Hey, fuck you, I know what I'm talking about.

I lost my virginity when I was seven years old.
Dad said he thought the escort service handled
birthday clowns,
too.
Mom just looked at him the way she did
with her glass eye spinning around like a pissed-off top.

Dad and I never got along until I was fifteen
and I kicked his ass for stealing my smokes.
That got his attention
and he finally bought me the pony I'd always wanted.

Dad cooked that pony on the lawn
and served it at my sixteenth birthday party.
He said he caught it having sex with mom
and he was pissed
because in the middle her glass eye shot out across the room
and busted his golf trophy from high school.

Dammit, who keeps letting these skanky women
into my bed?
I think there's three of them living in there
under the covers.
I'm gonna need to pin an eviction notice
to the sheets
or something.

Quote of the Day

“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.

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