Dick Food

by Jay Salinas

May 3, 2004

The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint
like bubblegum in the mouth
of the oldest spoiled daughter
of this widow I've been screwing for beer money.

Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives
at the dog track.
Run, you shitbreathed little mutt!
Did I really bet my last five bucks
on this three-legged Shi Tsu?

I gotta stop drinking Bicardi.
The only picture in my room
is of me having sex
with a porcelain carousel horse at the fair.
Jesus, who paid to get this thing framed?

The only thing worse than a facial scar you don't remember getting
is one you do.
Blurry memories of flying fists after mooning
the Special-Ed bus.
Pissed-off retards, blood on a wheelchair,
unintelligible screams and a hearing aid in the street.
Some asshole on the next bar stool over
saying you got your ass handed to you by a
bunch
of grade-school retards.
You take a swing and knock some old lady off the wrong stool.
Kick me out? I'll kick this bar out of me!
Hey, fuck you, I know what I'm talking about.

I lost my virginity when I was seven years old.
Dad said he thought the escort service handled
birthday clowns,
too.
Mom just looked at him the way she did
with her glass eye spinning around like a pissed-off top.

Dad and I never got along until I was fifteen
and I kicked his ass for stealing my smokes.
That got his attention
and he finally bought me the pony I'd always wanted.

Dad cooked that pony on the lawn
and served it at my sixteenth birthday party.
He said he caught it having sex with mom
and he was pissed
because in the middle her glass eye shot out across the room
and busted his golf trophy from high school.

Dammit, who keeps letting these skanky women
into my bed?
I think there's three of them living in there
under the covers.
I'm gonna need to pin an eviction notice
to the sheets
or something.

Quote of the Day

“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”

-Dred Scott Drummond

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.

Try again later.

Least Popular Summer Blockbusters

1.	The Matrix Redundant
2.	X3: X-Men Vs. Triple X, an all-new X-File featuring your ex-wife
3.	Finding Chemo
4.	Sylvester Stallone starring in (anything)
5.	Hollywood Homicide

Hungry Like a Wolf
I'm hungry like a wolf that just ate a whole big-ass bag of Purina but then he saw something really funny and was laughing so hard he barfed it all up. Dark in the city, night is a wire, steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Holy shit,... (4/5/04)

Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon)
Connie bought an opal ("Abalone coupon night!") from Constantinople. (Flint postmen croon. A) Dennis killed a dentist (dissident knelt Daniel) at noon on a weekend. (down on one knee at a) Eustace was the loosest (teahouse. "Slow... (3/8/04)

Your Sister?
Your sister? I kissed her, because I thought she was you! â€¦and you had the flu that made you gain a pound or two. Or twenty. Seriously, deliriously I did mack on her lips, but I thought I was eating chips all smothered in dips! ... (2/23/04)