Dick Food

by Jay Salinas

May 3, 2004

The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint
like bubblegum in the mouth
of the oldest spoiled daughter
of this widow I've been screwing for beer money.

Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives
at the dog track.
Run, you shitbreathed little mutt!
Did I really bet my last five bucks
on this three-legged Shi Tsu?

I gotta stop drinking Bicardi.
The only picture in my room
is of me having sex
with a porcelain carousel horse at the fair.
Jesus, who paid to get this thing framed?

The only thing worse than a facial scar you don't remember getting
is one you do.
Blurry memories of flying fists after mooning
the Special-Ed bus.
Pissed-off retards, blood on a wheelchair,
unintelligible screams and a hearing aid in the street.
Some asshole on the next bar stool over
saying you got your ass handed to you by a
bunch
of grade-school retards.
You take a swing and knock some old lady off the wrong stool.
Kick me out? I'll kick this bar out of me!
Hey, fuck you, I know what I'm talking about.

I lost my virginity when I was seven years old.
Dad said he thought the escort service handled
birthday clowns,
too.
Mom just looked at him the way she did
with her glass eye spinning around like a pissed-off top.

Dad and I never got along until I was fifteen
and I kicked his ass for stealing my smokes.
That got his attention
and he finally bought me the pony I'd always wanted.

Dad cooked that pony on the lawn
and served it at my sixteenth birthday party.
He said he caught it having sex with mom
and he was pissed
because in the middle her glass eye shot out across the room
and busted his golf trophy from high school.

Dammit, who keeps letting these skanky women
into my bed?
I think there's three of them living in there
under the covers.
I'm gonna need to pin an eviction notice
to the sheets
or something.

Quote of the Day

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”

-Mark Twaint

Fortune 500 Cookie

This is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and â€¦wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?

Try again later.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

1.	Mom
2.	Dog Catcher Trainee
3.	Scrubs
4.	Possibly Me, Though I'm Not Admitting to It
5.	PETA

Hungry Like a Wolf
I'm hungry like a wolf that just ate a whole big-ass bag of Purina but then he saw something really funny and was laughing so hard he barfed it all up. Dark in the city, night is a wire, steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Holy shit,... (4/5/04)

Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon)
Connie bought an opal ("Abalone coupon night!") from Constantinople. (Flint postmen croon. A) Dennis killed a dentist (dissident knelt Daniel) at noon on a weekend. (down on one knee at a) Eustace was the loosest (teahouse. "Slow... (3/8/04)

Your Sister?
Your sister? I kissed her, because I thought she was you! â€¦and you had the flu that made you gain a pound or two. Or twenty. Seriously, deliriously I did mack on her lips, but I thought I was eating chips all smothered in dips! ... (2/23/04)