Holy crap, America. That just about sums it up, doesn't it? Kind of makes you wonder why all those philosophers throughout history wasted so much of our time with their excess verbiage. Speaking of such, let's cut to the chase and chase down this week's movie reviews.

In Theaters Now:

Hellboy
Simpsons creator Matt "Spalding" Groening is back in this big-screen adaptation of his enduring comic strip about a little sock puppet in a Shriner's hat. While his main role in the strip was complaining and looking pathetic, Hellboy takes on a more dynamic role in the film version, fighting crime and fooling people into thinking they're going to another X-Men sequel. While the filmmakers get plenty of mileage out of that redneck guy who keeps saying "Hell, boy, you look like a tube sock!" I did leave the theater feeling like they'd just missed comedic gold by not having the hillrod try to put his foot up Hellboy's ass accidentally while he was getting dressed in the morning. Though they may have just been leaving some material open for the inevitable sequel.

Kill Bill Vol 2
Whoever this Bill Vol guy is, he certainly pissed off the wrong hair band. Likely a crooked promoter or a snide VJ at MTV or something, whoever he is, Bill's about to get his nuggets diced by those karate-kicking Nelson boys in this remake of the 1951 classic. Though I thought setting the eyeball-plucking scene to the tune of "After the Rain" was a little nauseating, you have to admire a pair of cloned androgynous pansy rocker twins who know more kung fu than Keanu Reeves' stunt double.

The Punisher
Taking a hint from Paycheck in the "Honesty in Advertising" department, Hollywood has shoveled this aptly-titled nugget into the gaping maw of public consumption, a cruel bit of revenge exacted upon audiences who broke Hollywood's heart by not going to see so many of the films it had dearly hoped would make shitloads of money. Now it's payback time, at least for moviegoers who buy tickets at random and dyslexic Usher fans. How does this film abuse audiences? Let me count the ways. Wow. Okay. Whoever can guess closest to the number in my head gets a big-ass jar of jellybeans. Good luck.

Walken Tall
Raise your hand if you can tell the difference between Vin "Rock-Like" Diesel and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Okay, now get your asses over to MIT, they need you to build a particle accelerator out of dog food and twist ties. As for the rest of us, we'll just have to settle for being confused and staying away from any movies that smell like jock sweat. In the latest film starring whichever of those two this stars, Hollywood explores the question "If Christopher Walken got really mad, would he get huge like the Hulk and smash shit all to pieces?" I know that's one that has been on the tip of my tongue for years. The actual answer is slightly disappointing, but mainly because the Christopher Walken mask they put on the meathead to play the "after the transformation" Walken is so poor you can see the elastic band holding it on his face. But, on the bright side, stuff gets smashed and we don't have to see Rock Diesel's face for half the movie.


That's the that that is, America. Hope it made your flowers grow. We'll be back in a few with more bile from the belly of the beast, stay tuned.

April 5, 2004
I'm afraid during my long absence the movies haven't gotten any better. Waiting for Hollywood to start turning out art is quite equivalent to waiting for a train at a bus stop. Still, with the amount of pure, uncut horseshit shoveled in our... (4/5/04)

March 15, 2004
Get out of my office, America. You what? You came for the movie views and reviews? Well nevermind then, pull up a chair. I thought you were someone else. Those vultures collecting for the film critics' pension plan won't leave me alone. I say if... (3/15/04)

March 8, 2004
I skipped the Oscars last Sunday, choosing instead to watch the only awards show that matters—the Orson Welch Outstanding Achievements in Cinema Excellence Web Broadcast. It was a little Flash presentation I put together, with all my favorite... (3/8/04)

2004 Oscars Madness!
Well holy hell in a hand basket, America, looks like it's time for another swing at the Oscar piñata. Doesn't it seem like we just did this? Well, that's because we did, apparently the sun is collapsing so our earth years are getting exponentially... (3/1/04)