I'm afraid during my long absence the movies haven't gotten any better. Waiting for Hollywood to start turning out art is quite equivalent to waiting for a train at a bus stop. Still, with the amount of pure, uncut horseshit shoveled in our direction on a weekly basis, you would think they would accidentally produce something good out of sheer probability. Meanwhile, the box office fills up with a Scooby Doo sequel and a Coen Brothers movie with Marlon Wayans. How does Hollywood know the exact things I detest to make movies so finely targeted to make me vomit?

On DVD

Matrix Revolutions
To qualify as a one-trick pony, do you not at least have to know one trick? Myself, I discount wearing leather and shooting extended kung fu sequences as tricks. I will not dignify the "philosophy" of the movie by calling it such without the quotations—Nietsczhe shit more memorable thoughts after bouts with diarrhea. Still, I could see someone buying this movie, besides the mentally deficient. Say, you were charmed by the first one and bought it, then bought the second one since you haven't seen it in the theater and had high hope for its improvement on the original. Then, this one comes out and you have a severe collectors' obsession to own everything that comes in threes. I excuse you only if you promise never to watch it, except for ironic enjoyment.

Cheaper by the Dozen
The title also doubles as a phrase summing up screenplays for remakes of classic Hollywood films. Most troubling of all, the film it's based on was a bottom-dweller on the Hollywood classics list in the first place. New ideas are so scarce in tinsel town now they've finally decided to remake their epic bombs. Prepare yourself for a digitally-assembled Howard the Duck, and Ishtar starring Justin Timberlake and Heath Ledger. My only relief comes from the idea that Steve Martin is a popular name, and perhaps the Steve Martin starring in this film is not the same one who did the more palatable surreal comedies of the '70s and '80s. There are plenty of kids as well who make for a strong pro-choice argument.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1
I hate to knock a movie before seeing how it officially concludes. But here goes: A gassy expulsion by Quentin Tarantino, cinema's Puff Daddy, stealing blatantly and brazenly from lame B-grade movies and schlock films that were lucky to do one or two things right in their 120 minutes. It would be more commendable if he could steal the things that worked. Tarantino is ripe for Hollywood Squares, only the film community is reluctant to admit it to themselves. He made the '90s much livelier, though not better, with his dressing up old Welcome Back, Kotter stars in funny haircuts and giving us the long discussions about oral sex and cereal we needed in that decade. Then Jackie Brown came out and people said, "Oh, right—this is kind of stupid." Making one bad movie into two has seldom proved a remedy to creative malnutrition, so I'm not expecting the latter half of the Bill killing to shine any light on this violent, faded celebrity fest. By the time the sequel comes to DVD Uma Thurman will
need a reminder of her past successes on the back of the box, such as Pulp Fiction or… shit. She may be in trouble.


The summer blockbuster season is quickly closing in, and I'm already salivating at all the juicy adjectives I'm about to sling. Of course, thanks to a glandular problem, I actually salivate non-stop all of the time. One of my few vices. There. I feel like we've shared. Now return for more righting of cinematic wrongs next month.

March 15, 2004
Get out of my office, America. You what? You came for the movie views and reviews? Well nevermind then, pull up a chair. I thought you were someone else. Those vultures collecting for the film critics' pension plan won't leave me alone. I say if... (3/15/04)

March 8, 2004
I skipped the Oscars last Sunday, choosing instead to watch the only awards show that matters—the Orson Welch Outstanding Achievements in Cinema Excellence Web Broadcast. It was a little Flash presentation I put together, with all my favorite... (3/8/04)

2004 Oscars Madness!
Well holy hell in a hand basket, America, looks like it's time for another swing at the Oscar piñata. Doesn't it seem like we just did this? Well, that's because we did, apparently the sun is collapsing so our earth years are getting exponentially... (3/1/04)

February 23, 2004
It appears an Adam Sandler comedy is once again the number one movie in the country. Further proof U.S. intelligence is failing to prevent real disasters. Sandler works with Drew Barrymore again in this one, which at least keeps both sides of the... (2/23/04)