Get out of my office, America. You what? You came for the movie views and reviews? Well nevermind then, pull up a chair. I thought you were someone else. Those vultures collecting for the film critics' pension plan won't leave me alone. I say if those nitpicky old bastards don't have enough money now, they should have sold more phony review blurbs to the big studios back in their day. I'm sure there were plenty of lame movies back then, too. Probably all of them, so shame on you for missing out on the easy money, oldies. As for us, we've got some catching up to do here at Entertainment Police, so let's waste not a second more:

In Theaters

The Acid Flashback of the Christ
To be honest, I never knew that Jesus got high, but I'll be the first to admit I was only skimming over most of the Bible the time I read it. Not that I expected to glean a comprehensive knowledge of the book in 45 seconds while the room service was coming, but I like to think I'd have caught the part where Christ drops three tabs and wanders through the desert for a week, tripping his holy nuts off. Whatever the excuse, I can understand why the heavenly burnout didn't go spreading that story around, since according to Mel Blanc's terrifying new movie, most of the last years of Christ's life were eaten up by gnarly acid flashbacks about being beat up by evil gnomes in weird hats. Not even Blanc's typically hilarious voice work can keep that shit from being anything but nasty. Though it's little more than a Red Asphalt for day trippers, this controversial new film does perform a valuable public service in keeping old people out of the theaters.


Hidalgo
Italian funnyman Viggo Mortenson stars in the touching story of a man who failed to read the packaging and accidentally bought a horse that only speaks Spanish. He names the horse "Hidalgo" because he thinks that's Spanish for "Just won't listen," but it isn't, and the next thing he knows he's won some kind of cross-desert race he didn't mean to enter, because he doesn't know how to tell his horse to stop. Sadly, Hidalgo continues running straight into the ocean, where he sank like a big stupid horse and died. Viggo's character Prego Mortenson, however, thankfully survived by clinging to the horse's buoyant corpse and riding it to shore. Now that I've saved you from having to see the movie, please send your money order or cashier's check for $8.50 to Roland McShyster c/o the commune, Flatbush, NJ.


Starsky & Hooch
Ben Stiller is so hell-bent on becoming this generation's slightly-younger Tom Hanks that he even agreed to star in this turd of a movie, combining two vaguely-remembered franchises in one completely unrememberable knockoff. Owen Wilson is his usual stoned self as the voice of the dog, Hooch, who leads Starsky on a hunt for the guy who cancelled The Family Dog. Red Baron-hating gangsta rapper Snoopy co-stars as the Charmin bear.


And that's all you get this week, America. No, I'm serious, quit rifling through my things. Get out of that bag! There's nothing more for you here! Go on home to your kids or whatever kinds of baggage you've picked up along the way. I'll be fine. Yes. Yes, just—just go. Thank you.

March 8, 2004
I skipped the Oscars last Sunday, choosing instead to watch the only awards show that matters—the Orson Welch Outstanding Achievements in Cinema Excellence Web Broadcast. It was a little Flash presentation I put together, with all my favorite... (3/8/04)

2004 Oscars Madness!
Well holy hell in a hand basket, America, looks like it's time for another swing at the Oscar piñata. Doesn't it seem like we just did this? Well, that's because we did, apparently the sun is collapsing so our earth years are getting exponentially... (3/1/04)

February 23, 2004
It appears an Adam Sandler comedy is once again the number one movie in the country. Further proof U.S. intelligence is failing to prevent real disasters. Sandler works with Drew Barrymore again in this one, which at least keeps both sides of the... (2/23/04)

February 16, 2004
What up, Entertainment Police people? Roland McS is in the hizzouse. Which, for the hip-impaired, means roughly the same thing as "Lucy, I'm hoooome!" For the Latin-impaired, that means "Bitch, where my pork chops?" And for the domestic-abuse... (2/16/04)