What up, Entertainment Police people? Roland McS is in the hizzouse. Which, for the hip-impaired, means roughly the same thing as "Lucy, I'm hoooome!" For the Latin-impaired, that means "Bitch, where my pork chops?" And for the domestic-abuse impaired, that just means "Howdy, stranger." I'm glad you could make it for another dose of all the movie reviews you could choose to peruse. Here's hoping you all made it through Friday the 13th without any hockey-killer mishaps, and now let's take a look at this week's new releases:

In Theaters

50 First Dates
If ever the tale of the Cuban Missile Crisis has smoked its way onto the big screen with such an unprecedentedly smoky level of smokitude, this reviewer must've been on the can when it happened. Because according to Roland McShyster's burnt bottom, this one takes the cake. Sure, CMC purists may have balked at the casting of toilet-training dropout Adam Sandler as President Kennedy, but for once this reviewer stands behind the oft-foolish decision to point a camera at Mr. Sandler. Perhaps it was karma, or perhaps it was accidental, but Sandler captures the doomed president's sulking puppydog eyes and impish smile with a deft virtuosity not seen since Jim Carrey reincarnated Martin Luther King Jr. in Blackbeat. Kudos as well belong to Luis "Guzman" Guzman for his balls-out portrayal of Cuban bad guy and exploding-cigar victim Fidel Castro.

Clifford's Really Big Mookie
Sure, if you're a kid it sounds fun to have a forty foot tall big red dog as your friend, but adults have the presence of mind and idle time to wonder what might happen if that big red dog ever sneezed on you. Needless to say, the results aren't pretty, and this is one children's movie that might not be right for tykes too young to handle seeing kids killed by a giant booger. And though the CGI in the film is impressive, I'm not certain this film is going to find enough of an audience to justify making the proposed sequel, Clifford's Really Big Movement.

Gyrotrip
The savant-impaired idiot savants who brought you Road Trip have cropped up again with this unlikely tale of four horny teens who contract mad sheep disease after stopping for a bite to eat at a roadside Greek lunch cart. Will their mad dash across the country bring them to the Wonka-like "Magic Gyro" that will cure them before they become too stupid to make audiences laugh anymore? I could tell you but then the studio might sue me for detrimental honesty. Venture at your own peril, teen-comedy slob fans.


That's what they paid me to write this week, America, hope it shined up your dull lives for a second or two. Be sure to tune your browsers this way again in two more weeks, when we'll answer the age-old question: "Why do fools fall in lava?"

February 9, 2004
I realize my territory is DVDs, and the theater-going tract is properly my cohort Mr. McShyster's, should he ever choose to actually go and see a movie, but I would like to save the public some more Sept. 11-level misery by begging, pleading with... (2/9/04)

February 2, 2004
Oh, it's you again. America. I didn't see you there. Well. Back again already, are you? Hmm. Okay then, let's do this. Let's waste no more precious eye time, ladies and men, it's time to answer the time-honored question on everyone's lips this week:... (2/2/04)

January 26, 2004
Welcome again, elite follower of all things entertainment. For hopefully the last time, if you're seeking the wonderfully fictional critic Roland McShyster, please try the first and third weeks of the month, in other words, alternate Mondays, as we... (1/26/04)