Oh, it's you again. America. I didn't see you there. Well. Back again already, are you? Hmm. Okay then, let's do this. Let's waste no more precious eye time, ladies and men, it's time to answer the time-honored question on everyone's lips this week: What the hell was THAT??

In Theaters

Barbieshop 2: Back in Bidness
Turns out moviegoers couldn't get enough of last year's surprise hit Barbieshop, though I'm not convinced the studio actually bothered to ask anybody about this. Odds are they just saw a blip on the profits graph and reflexively turned their jackals loose making a sequel, hoping to milk all the tits out there who think sequels are better than the originals by definition, like Playstation2 versus Playstation without a number or how the popes keep getting bigger. Regardless of how it was made, the important thing is that it was, and now all the "doll salesmen turned barbers due to a typo at the sign factory" are back for more hair-cutting adventure. It takes a special kind of audience to wonder what a bunch of barbers from one bad movie are doing now, then pay hard-earned money to see that yep, they're still cutting hair. But America has excelled at turning out special audiences since the 1950's, when the government started putting bleach in the water supply. So go have fun.

The Big Bounce
Never has Hollywood T&A been more half-covered than in this latest Elmore Fudd adaptation, bringing the dirty old author's dirty old words to the screen in picture form. Boasting a cast of colors rivaling any box set put together by Crayola, The Big Bounce is awash with reds, yellows, purples and Morgan Freeman. With vibrant colors like these and more cleavage than The Butcher Boy, is this one film on the fast track to win Roland McShyster's coveted award for film excellence, the Rolo? Wrong again, Batman. The Big Bounce does have plenty of check marks in the positive column, and the silhouette of a curvy blonde drawn on its scorecard for sure. But it also stars Owen Wilson, and that guy's nose just creeps me out.

Miracle
What is it about hockey movies that brings out Hollywood's gay side? Of course by that I don't mean homosexual, since gay people don't know what hockey is. I mean gay, like The Mighty Ducks and The Cutting Edge, or Angels in the Outfield and Blade 2. I'm sure there are more hideous hockey-movie examples, like Skate Bait and Puck o' the Irish I could be mentioning, but won't for space considerations. Anyway, add Miracle to that list, and Kurt Russell to the list of people I'm not inviting to my Halloween party this year. Yeah, there really is a list. The real miracle here is that this thing didn't suck a hole in the ground on the way out of the studio, sheesh. Miracle's only redeeming quality is the always-classy Howie Mandel, who's fantastic under eighty-seven layers of makeup as the TV commentator guy who promised that the US Olympic hockey team was such a long shot against the Russians that if they won, he'd eat is hat. Of course they did win, and he ate his hat and got hat cancer. I love that part.


Glad you could make it, America. Actually, I made it, but I'm glad you could read it. Only it just sounds odd when you start out a paragraph saying "Glad you could read it, America." Sounds conceited or something. Weird.

January 26, 2004
Welcome again, elite follower of all things entertainment. For hopefully the last time, if you're seeking the wonderfully fictional critic Roland McShyster, please try the first and third weeks of the month, in other words, alternate Mondays, as we... (1/26/04)

January 19, 2004
Buenos reados, America! I'm Roland McShyster and goddamn if you didn't come back for another week of Entertainment Policification. It's enough to make a weak man cry. Well, you've done your part, so I suppose it's time for me to do mine. On to this... (1/19/04)

Cream of the Crop of 2003
Welcome to a new era in the world of entertainment news, at least as far as the commune is concerned. The powers that be ("be drunk" most of the time, judging by the smell) have been so impressed with my service in stead of Roland McShyster's many... (1/12/04)

January 5, 2004
Happy new thing, America! What say we get this party started right with a quick, panicked glance at this week's new releases? That's what I like to hear. In Theaters Cheaper by the Dozen Steve Martin... (1/5/04)