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09/16/25   
Just don't ask why

Fuckin' Cold

by Dixon LaRue
bio/email
January 26, 2004
It's cold outside
Fuckin' cold
Like a snowman's icy balls
Like a dead Eskimo stuck to a flag pole
Up in Ugunumtwat, Alaska.
That cold.

Why does it get so cold?
Because God don't love you no more
Charlie.
Suck on that for a while.

No actually it's because the sun
Is two-timing us with China
Over there shining up the place
Making everybody warm and happy
While we scrape ice off a dead caribou's eyeballs.

Those Chineses
Sit and bitch about the heat
In their silly language
While our screams are drowned out
By the wind
That's colder than a penguin's cold white taint.

The sun's over there
Laughing it's Chinese-loving ass off at you
While you've got snow down your butt crack
And your car's frozen to the garage.

Nice deal, huh?
Well that's winter, baby.
Also there's the cruel tilt of the earth
That always makes sure
We get the shit end of the sun stick,
Shunted off like the globe's redheaded stepchild
Right to the back of the bus.

So it's cold
Colder than a witch's tit
Colder than a Polish monkey's ass in December
So cold you can hear your balls clattering together,
no kidding.

So cold you go blind because your brain
Is diverting all excess blood to your lungs
So you can scream "Holy shit!"

You can scream all you want
But you ain't getting any ice cream.


Milestones
1979: Some people call Red Bagel a space cowboy (wahnt-waaow). Ignorant to popular culture, Bagel burns his driver's license and spends two years living underground as Miguel Carlos Ferrina.
Now Hiring
Small Town Rube. Trustworthy innocent needed to flush gremlins out of elevator system. Competitive wage to be paid upon successful completion of duties. No Sci-Fi geeks, please.
Top 5 Movies with Top in the Title
1.America's Next Top Hovel: The Movie
2.Top Dog 2: More Chuck Norris and a Talking… What Do You Mean the Dog Can't Talk?
3.Top Nun
4.Pop on Top: A Dirty Cartoon with Rhyming
5.Spinning Yarns: Robin Williams Tells Stories About Tops For Two Fucking Hours
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