10/13/26
Sure as shit, but smelling sweeter
|  Fuckin' Coldby Dixon LaRue   January 26, 2004 It's cold outside
Fuckin' cold Like a snowman's icy balls Like a dead Eskimo stuck to a flag pole Up in Ugunumtwat, Alaska. That cold. Why does it get so cold? Because God don't love you no more Charlie. Suck on that for a while. No actually it's because the sun Is two-timing us with China Over there shining up the place Making everybody warm and happy While we scrape ice off a dead caribou's eyeballs. Those Chineses Sit and bitch about the heat In their silly language While our screams are drowned out By the wind That's colder than a penguin's cold white taint. The sun's over there Laughing it's Chinese-loving ass off at you While you've got snow down your butt crack And your car's frozen to the garage. Nice deal, huh? Well that's winter, baby. Also there's the cruel tilt of the earth That always makes sure We get the shit end of the sun stick, Shunted off like the globe's redheaded stepchild Right to the back of the bus. So it's cold Colder than a witch's tit Colder than a Polish monkey's ass in December So cold you can hear your balls clattering together, no kidding. So cold you go blind because your brain Is diverting all excess blood to your lungs So you can scream "Holy shit!" You can scream all you want But you ain't getting any ice cream. Milestones2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.Now HiringSexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.Most-Quickly Deleted Internet History Entries
 I Bought This Memory I bought this memory at Walgreens, it was discounted heavily. With it implanted I settled back to enjoy my reverie. But to my dismay I soon realized why this memory had been spurned. It was of eating a stale club sandwich whose mayonnaise... (1/12/04) Glass I I once had a glass I and in case you're reading this out loud to someone I feel the need to clarify. Not a glass eye as in an eyeball made of glass, a creepy hazel doodad staring frozen in impasse. Nor some tricky eye-sized marble ... (12/22/03) Lonely Cloud I wandered lonely as a cloud, it was Halloween and I had about sixty pounds of cotton glued to my leotards. And nobody wanted to trick or treat with a kid who was dressed up like a that. Needless to say, being seven sucked bad. The stars... (12/8/03)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.