Doing it the Gay Way

I have been accused in the past, not here, of allowing my immense ego to get in the way of the profitability of my ventures. Not here, as I said—usually just outside the pages of the commune. Not in the park, I mean, or my personal estate, except for in the office part. Usually, it happens inside the walls of the commune offices, from around 6 in the evening to 7 p.m. Okay, Gay says it. It's all Gay saying it. He has accused me of ego-centric management.

It was not meant as a compliment either, dear readers. Gay Bagel may be my beloved brother, but it's more than clear he has a personal ax to grind with me. He believes the internet is a place to make money—clearly he has not followed the internet news since 1997. He points to successful sites and asks, "Why can't we do that?" And usually he's talking about making money. Or he poses interesting questions, like, "How does selling Romanian dick growth pills interfere with our objective journalism?" I can't really answer questions like that. I laugh way too much. But it is plainly Gay's intention to take over the commune and make it his golden ticket to Willy Wonkaville. If that makes any sense. I guess you have to see the movie or read the book.

I have been trying to keep it under my hat, where I keep my Jolly Ranchers, but Gay and I have basically settled out of court. I have agreed to allow him on staff as the Ulterior Motive Manager, Class VII, under the condition he drop the lawsuit and he can keep 50% of any profit the commune shows under his guidance. I figured it was a done deal. He would get in here, become infatuated with the slack work ethic everyone else here has, and it would rub off. But he's not rubbing the right way. He's still 100% Gay, as far as I can tell.

He has been such a depressing presence in the office many members of the staff have taken to calling him "buzzkill," because of the way they want to cut him up with a rusty saw blade. The only one who gets along with him at all is Ramrod Hurley, and we all hate him. Even eternal wart on the commune's ass Raoul Dunkin has said it is no fun to work here since Gay came aboard. But then again, he said that day in-day out before Gay arrived, too. But now I believe he means it. So we have two problems: How do we get rid of Gay Bagel? And how do we keep him from reading about our plans to get rid of him while he's editing our columns?

Of course, when I say "edit" our columns, it's more like an honorary position, like Britney Spears' vocals on her own albums. We changed everything back to how we want it after he has made his changes, and I don't believe he's noticed. We still maintain some control of the office, since I have told him the monkey has the only other spare key, and I'm not about to wrestle it from his hands. But sooner or later Gay will think to ask for a duplicate of my own key, and he might be crazy enough to wrestle me for it. Sir, I am backed up against the wall, and not like Michael Douglas in that sexy movie.

At first, compromising the commune to settle things with Gay seemed like a good idea. That was before I realized I would have to do things in a way we were both agreeable to. I won't have it, sir, I won't. If it were up to Gay, we would check employee references, write only stories based on valid sources, and buy real office furniture instead of hiring non-English speaking people to fill those positions. In short, the entire fabric of the commune as you've come to know it will unravel.

I have only one real plan to defeat Gay's aims without complication: the commune readership must drop by at least 50%, so I can justify ousting his ass. So stop reading the commune—stop right now! And tell a friend to stop. If you have told a friend to read the commune before, tell them you were mistaken, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Our research is very poor and I'm not convinced Roland McShyster even watches those movies. It's entirely possible some of our income goes to support terrorism. It's not all that far-fetched, given the amount of drug use around here.

Any way you can help will be most appreciated, loyal reader.

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