Buenos reados, America! I'm Roland McShyster and goddamn if you didn't come back for another week of Entertainment Policification. It's enough to make a weak man cry. Well, you've done your part, so I suppose it's time for me to do mine. On to this week's movies!

In Theaters

Along Came Paulie
Ben Stiller is the world's biggest pussy until a wisecracking talking bird straightens him out in this, probably the worst use of the "faux-documentary" technique yet. Believe me, I can understand the motivation to use crappy hand-held cameras to make a ludicrous premise seem more believable, plus it leaves more budget money for those delicious little rolled-up deli meats. But as the saying goes, you can't make a silk shirt out of a pig's ass. Speaking of which, I'd like to meet the guy who thought you could, because that's one optimistic son of a bitch. I need that guy writing fortune cookies for me. Anyway, if you really think you need to see this movie, just watch Cujo with the Spanish subtitles on. You'll be just as pissed and you won't have to wait in line for popcorn.

The Butterfinger Effect
Ashton Kutcher is a vaguely good-looking klutz in his latest film, in which he also has an acting role. Kutcher plays a bumbling Mountain Dew dude who utilizes the nasty side effects of antihistamine medication to travel back in time and try not to drop shit everywhere. But he learns the hard lesson that going back in time just allows him to trip over shit and knock down huge displays of dominos twice, and that the past is the same as the present, only sort of yellow-tinted. Unfortunately the film is ultimately done in by its own implausibility, since if this kind of time travel were possible the filmmakers would have obviously gone back in time and made The Blair Witch Project instead. Thankfully for them, the soundtrack is filled with the kind of nauseous crap young people pretend to listen to these days, so the movie is still bound to attract teens like a giant, flashing bug zapper on Hollywood's front lawn regardless of quality.

Mindhunters
If you've never seen a slanty-browed redneck in camouflage overalls blow up a deer using only the power of his mind, well then I'd wager a week's salary you've never seen Mindhunters. Either that or you just really weren't paying any attention at all, or maybe you had to get up to piss every five minutes and the people sitting around you didn't have the common courtesy to answer basic plot questions when you got back. Whatever happened, you missed a hell of a movie. Not really, but I like to say that sometimes. Actually, saying you missed a movie like this is kind of like saying you dodged a bullet or almost got hit by a bus, people should slap you on the back and take you out to lunch. You might even take stock of your life; think about maybe being a little nicer to that Malaysian family you've got hidden in your attic. It's that bad. If you saw it on purpose, I can only hope you're either a fellow movie reviewer (in which case, "Yo!") or are Val Kilmer's mom, because otherwise you're a marked man. Unless you're a woman.


Wow. Okay America, it's safe to come out now. You've had your socks blown off and your asses blown clean out of your pants, as expected. And what did it cost you? Not enough. We've got to figure out some way to get more cash coming my way in this whole transaction. I'll get back to you on that one, so don't go blowing all your greenbacks at the beer tent or on nickel whores before my next column, caprice?

Cream of the Crop of 2003
Welcome to a new era in the world of entertainment news, at least as far as the commune is concerned. The powers that be ("be drunk" most of the time, judging by the smell) have been so impressed with my service in stead of Roland McShyster's many... (1/12/04)

January 5, 2004
Happy new thing, America! What say we get this party started right with a quick, panicked glance at this week's new releases? That's what I like to hear. In Theaters Cheaper by the Dozen Steve Martin... (1/5/04)

December 22, 2003
Ho ho ho, America, there are prostitutes all over the place here at the commune offices and this can only mean one thing: It's the holiday season. Yessir, nothing brings out the holiday spirit more than the commune's Beds for Hookers program, now it... (12/22/03)

December 8, 2003
A hearty "Yo" to you all, America, and welcome to the umptillionth edition of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police, now a trademarked brand and theme restaurant in three states. We've got the candy you crave yet again this week, so let's waste no... (12/8/03)