I Bought This Memory

by Winston C. Mars

January 12, 2004

I bought this memory at Walgreens,
it was discounted heavily.
With it implanted I settled back
to enjoy my reverie.
But to my dismay I soon realized
why this memory had been spurned.
It was of eating a stale club sandwich
whose mayonnaise had turned!

I took it right back for a refund,
but the Chinese clerk he protested.
He asked for proof, by way of receipt
for the memory I'd injested.

I searched my pockets to no avail.
I checked again, but again failed!
Nowhere was it to be found.

I scanned the scene,
and checked in-between
my sneaker and the ground.

But it was gone.
Goodbye, so long!
Sayonara, it turned to vapors.
Somehow somewhere,
vanished into the air.
"I'll see you in the funny papers."

I tried my best
to prove in jest
that I was the one who had bought it.
"Aha!" I voiced,
"The rye bread was slightly moist,
like someone had coughed on it."

"And the pickles, they stank
like something quite rank
and the hamâ€”the ham was like rubber.
The turkey was raw
and the cheese was so blah,
like crusty, stretched-thin whale blubber."

But the clerk didn't buy it,
wouldn't even try it.
He just smiled and shook his head "No."
Without the receipt
I could have shit to eat
and he wouldn't mind it at all if I'd go.

As I stormed out into the rain
the image haunted my brain:
That clerk's grin hung in breathless fixation.

It was clear I'd been playedâ€”
the memory cleverly overlaid
over my memory of the receipt's location!

Damn you, Walgreens. You can keep your lousy four dollars.

Quote of the Day

“I'd like to give the world a Coke, but they'd have to share it. Actually, all anyone can do is smell it, since most of the Coke will likely have evaporated by the time it gets all the way around the world. So here you go, world: Smell my Coke.”

-Dennis Freebasen

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're a real asshole when you're tired. Or rested. This is the week you're finally going to get pantsed for your sins. Try brushing your teeth with the other end of the brush this week: that fuzzy part's not the handle. This week's lucky things the dog wouldn't even eat: your hat on a bet, Tofutti Cuties, dog barf, Sam's Club Brand Dog Food, your homemade rhubarb pie.

Try again later.

Top Rejected Muppets

1.	Pasta Monster
2.	Mr. Cancer Dog
3.	Turd Bird
4.	The Leaping Leper
5.	Pig Bird

Glass I
I once had a glass I and in case you're reading this out loud to someone I feel the need to clarify. Not a glass eye as in an eyeball made of glass, a creepy hazel doodad staring frozen in impasse. Nor some tricky eye-sized marble ... (12/22/03)

Lonely Cloud
I wandered lonely as a cloud, it was Halloween and I had about sixty pounds of cotton glued to my leotards. And nobody wanted to trick or treat with a kid who was dressed up like a that. Needless to say, being seven sucked bad. The stars... (12/8/03)

The Raccoon Killer
On golden gilded lapis lazuli the gnome was homely, old and plain. Byzantine tattoos on his brain made him think the world insane. "Lichens liken to Vicodin dreamsâ€¦ rolled oats, old goats, matriarchs." A Chicano girl named Rosa Parks ... (11/24/03)