Happy new thing, America! What say we get this party started right with a quick, panicked glance at this week's new releases? That's what I like to hear.

In Theaters

Cheaper by the Dozen
Steve Martin is a tough-as-nails American army general who's not afraid to use several of his twelve kids as cannon fodder if it might make the difference in a crucial battle, which guarantees he's always got to put up with some bitching from his wife when he comes home from the Middle Eastern "family vacation" short a few offspring every year. The battle scenes are both intense and family-friendly, and there are a lot of funny jokes about America never running out of troops because the Catholics don't believe in birth control. See it with your kids and they'll never talk back again, they may even start sleeping at school and if that's not worth the price of admission I don't know what is.

Come on Eileen: The Story of a Serial Killer
Tell you the truth, I always wondered just what in the hell that song was about. Figures. When in doubt, always assume any vaguely-lyriced Top 40 hit is about a serial-killing hooker from Tacoma. Hey, you laugh, but after "Louie Louie" I vowed never to be fooled again. Anway, you're probably saying to yourself right about now: "Sure, I kind of tolerated the song, but how am I going to feel about the filmed version?" After all, the video was no great shakes, right? True enough. Thankfully, the directors added a lot more murderous mayhem and anal sex to the extended version, and less of that fucking guy with the accordion. So while it's not Casa Blanca, it's also not a bad way to spend the discretionary income you've got earmarked for depraved trailer-park killer voyeurism.

My Daddy's Baby
Working from the solid-gold comedic premise that it's really funny when your dad gets one of your friends pregnant, My Daddy's Baby kicks your funnybone in the balls for eighty-seven minutes straight and doesn't stop until you're driving home from the theater and you suddenly forget all about the movie. If you've never had a baby piss in your face, you'll laugh when it happens in the movie. If this has happened to you, you'll probably get mad all over again and storm out of the theater, most likely. But that'll be funny for everybody else who has never had that happen, so you should go anyway in order to make the movie funnier for others. Consider it a community service, and if you talk a good game I'm sure the judge can be persuaded into seeing things that same way.


That's all you're getting from me this week, America. Tune in next week when my loveable protégé Orson Welch will let you inside his unique mind, but look out—he charges on the way out. Until then, I'm Roland McShyster and you're somebody else.

December 22, 2003
Ho ho ho, America, there are prostitutes all over the place here at the commune offices and this can only mean one thing: It's the holiday season. Yessir, nothing brings out the holiday spirit more than the commune's Beds for Hookers program, now it... (12/22/03)

December 8, 2003
A hearty "Yo" to you all, America, and welcome to the umptillionth edition of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police, now a trademarked brand and theme restaurant in three states. We've got the candy you crave yet again this week, so let's waste no... (12/8/03)

November 24, 2003
Hello, America! Curious about what Hollywood's been hoarding in their vaults, waiting to spring on an unsuspecting public this fine Thanksgiving season? I hear ya squawking big chicken. Let's take a look and see if we can't separate the gobble from... (11/24/03)