Ho ho ho, America, there are prostitutes all over the place here at the commune offices and this can only mean one thing: It's the holiday season. Yessir, nothing brings out the holiday spirit more than the commune's Beds for Hookers program, now it its third year of keeping whores warm and full of holiday cheer. You can thank noted philanthropist Red Bagel for that one, if you're a hooker with Internet access. However, the ladies of the night aren't the only ones getting into the spirit, as I have to admit I've enjoyed my share of assorted nuts roasting on an open flame and Jack Frost chewing on my balls this week. So though it's been said many times and many ways: Happy Hanukah, commune world!


In Theaters

Cold Mountain
Jude Law stars as a Civil War soldier who is left for dead by his compatriots after he comes down with a bitter case of the sniffles, only to blow his nose on the odds and heroically ride a train home to see his wife Nicole Kidman, who is crippled by her fear of the 1800's. The casting director struck a coup by landing Nicole Kidman for the role of Nicole Kidman, saving audiences from the mind-bending confusion of having to remember that someone fatter than Nicole Kidman is actually Nicole Kidman for about two hours, within the fantastical world of the film's reality. Renee Zellweger is endearingly puffy as ever in her role as Kidman's supporting actress, though her character's name isn't Zellweger because that would cause a confusing plot hole, since her dad is Donald Sutherland and she's not married. Whatever, the movie was slow.

House of the Sandy Frog
Jennifer Connelly is an alcoholic former Mouseketeer and Ben Kingsley plays the retired baseball mascot horning in on her turf in this by-the-book adaptation of the Twain classic. The point of the Twain story was that when you're an alcoholic it's easy to get confused and forget whether somebody's a retired baseball mascot horning in on your turf or a horny retiree-balling Turk basking in mace, but in the film adaptation such nuances are lost and it becomes about a girl with big boobs shooting an Uzi. Thankfully.

Mona Lisa Simile
After deciding that the title Julia Roberts is Ugly Like the Mona Lisa probably wasn't going to cause any fire code violations with people trampling over each other to get into the theater, the cats with the big wigs on at Columbia decided to rechristen this dingy with a moniker that would appeal to the highly profitable faux-intellectual chick flick set. Thus the highbrow name, which is unfortunately destined to confuse moviegoers who toked their way through High School English. To recap, a simile is a figure of speech using like or as to compare two unlike things (for example, "Julia Roberts looks like a reindeer.") This is not to be confused with a metaphor (as in Kafka's thriller Metaphormosis), which is when an analogy is drawn by literally substituting one idea for another (as in "Julia Roberts has those weird alien lips that ate my dog."). Unfortunately, this bit of semantic nuance is the most interesting thing about the film, which could have been accurately but less-profitably titled This Movie Sucks Like a Beijing Hooker.

Monster
Charlize Theron headlines the role she was born to play in this adaptation of Stephen King's harrowing short story, the tale of a strange creature who looks just like Ashley Judd but somehow isn't. Christina Ricci seeks to de-creepy her image by starring opposite the vaguely creepier Theron, hereby appearing comparatively normal within the film's world. And it works, sort of. It's a Stephen King adaptation, so of course there's some supernatural nonsense going on and shit glows, but primarily this is a film about what happens when your pod clone starts getting better film roles than you do.

Paycheck
Calling a spade a spade for once in its miserable history, Hollywood isn't even trying to fool you into thinking the actors had any personal investment in this project. You might be inclined to feel a bit of righteous indignation about that, until you hear that Ben Affleck has the starring role, and then it all becomes very understandable. Wasting good acting on a scene with Affleck is like getting dressed up to go watch kangaroo boxing. I'd tell you what the plot entails but if the actors themselves didn't bother to learn it I'm not about to do the heavy lifting for about one billionth of what they get paid. Screw that.


I'm afraid that's that, America. Though I wish this season could go on and on, I don't really mean that, it's just a romantic thing to say. The reality of that would likely be hellish. So let it go, America, turn the page and before you know it you'll be gorging yourself miserably on little chocolate bunnies and wondering what in the hell happened. Happy holidays.

December 8, 2003
A hearty "Yo" to you all, America, and welcome to the umptillionth edition of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police, now a trademarked brand and theme restaurant in three states. We've got the candy you crave yet again this week, so let's waste no... (12/8/03)

November 24, 2003
Hello, America! Curious about what Hollywood's been hoarding in their vaults, waiting to spring on an unsuspecting public this fine Thanksgiving season? I hear ya squawking big chicken. Let's take a look and see if we can't separate the gobble from... (11/24/03)

November 10, 2003
Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers... (11/10/03)

October 27, 2003
Hello America, how've you been? Those shingles clearing up all right? Solid. As you might have guessed, we're back for another installment of the column that cares, Entertainment Police. Prepare to have your heart and other tender anatomical... (10/27/03)

October 13, 2003
Suffering succotash and other unfortunate vegetables, America! Roland McShyster here and we're back for another hermetically sealed bag of entertainment goodness. What has Hollywood got under the heat lamps for us this week? As usual, it's their dry... (10/13/03)