The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

When a guy sticks a gun in your ribs and says "Alright buddy, that's the straw that broke the camel's back!" you really have to wonder. What kind of crazy camel-killing fucker am I dealing with here?

Seriously, what kind of sadistic asshole cripples any large, hooved animal under an avalanche of straws? Even as a figure of speech? That's just insane.

That's a shitload of straws, when you think about it. Who has this many straws, nevermind the need to transport them? And couldn't he have sold a few of them to buy a cart instead of piling them all on the camel's back like some cruel moron? Who are the crazy bastards who were using camels to carry straws, anyway? Was this a common occurrence at some point in history? To the best of my knowledge camels hang out in the desert, and if there's nothing to drink there then what in the hell do they need the straws for? And where were those PETA freaks when all these camels' backs were being snapped? I can't even drive around with a dog on the hood of my car without getting grief from those people, and Foghat loves that shit.

commune research editor Griswald Dreck tells me they didn't even have straws back in camel days, but I'm pretty sure he's shitting me about that. We have this running joke between us where he gives me shit and I mail him naked pictures of his sister I bought on eBay. It goes way back, don't even ask.

I mean, how could they not have straws? I'm sure there are a few wiseasses in the crowd who are thinking "Cuz they hadn't invented them yet, dick!" in the voice of that giant cartoon dog Goofy. Real slick, goofballs. How do you invent a straw? That's bullshit, it's like inventing a brick. Didn't happen. That's like an award they give out in Special Ed class, "Congratulations Benny, you invented the straw!" Whoopie.

I've invented the straw dozens of times when I was stuck at home with no way to suck up a beverage, and nobody threw me a parade. Half a ballpoint pen usually does the trick pretty nicely, though a rolled-up magazine will sometimes work in a pinch. Best to read the magazine first though, because good luck on reading that thing after you've used it to suck up a wine cooler. Really, the best thing is to use your neighbor Mitch's Reader's Digest or some recipe book you accidentally grabbed at the grocery store checkout because you thought it contained the secrets of the Tarot or some shit. Those take less sucking power since they're short and you're not likely to shed any tears over the polar rescue story you didn't get to read or that you don't know how to make a crabcake.

Dreck insists that they really didn't have straws back then, and that he seriously isn't getting me back for the time I got sick in his bowling bag. He says back then when you wanted to take a drink on the go you soaked a sock in it and then took the sock with you to suck on. If that's true, all I can say is sucks to be from the past. Goddamn. I can just see the commercial on TV where some N*Sync loser is telling me to suck the Coke out of his socks. No thanks, bud.

I still say there had to have been straws. You can't tell me nobody ever stumbled across a stick with a hole in it and then dunked it in his goat's blood or whatever they were drinking back then. If nothing else there were a bunch of straw-inventing motherfuckers wherever the hell bamboo is from. I'd put money down on that.

Now I just know this shit's going to keep me up at night until I can get down to the zoo to see exactly how many straws we're talking about here, and how in the hell you balance them on the back of a camel. Great.

Bricks out.

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