The Raccoon Killer

by Violet Tiara

November 24, 2003

On golden gilded lapis lazuli
the gnome was homely, old and plain.
Byzantine tattoos on his brain
made him think the world insane.

"Lichens liken to Vicodin dreamsâ€¦
rolled oats, old goats, matriarchs."
A Chicano girl named Rosa Parks
mumbled something in the dark.

"I am the Duke of lukewarm duke,"
he tried the title on for size.
Mercury tears welled up in his eyes,
round and hot like blueberry pies.

"I am the size of the simpleton skies?"
he ventured a stab at identity.
A raccoon laughed down from a tree
remembering something he saw on TV.

"It is no use, I have no use,
I'm decidedly uninteresting."
Bees flew by, to sting something
more interesting than he.

The sun went down like a hooker on a clown
and the night gave the gnome no relief.
He sat in the dark with his lack of a spark
as the raccoon teased "Where's the beef?"

And the morning was the same as the frogs called his name
and the dragonflies dragged things about.
The crickets sang a song and the raccoon hummed along
as the gnome thumbed all of his nose hairs in doubt.

By the noontime it was bright as the land was drenched in light
but in darkness the gnome sat darkly in despair
The raccoon said while yawning the gnome held no hope of spawning
"And by the way you are losing your hair."

Something snapped and in the shock the gnome bent and picked a rock
which with a mighty flinging fling he flung it.
And when all was done and said the raccoon was stone dead
before the gnome had really realized he'd done it.

Seeing the raccoon lying stiff though did not cause a tear of whiff
inside the gnome who rather felt quite cheery.
For he'd found it, don't you see? Finally found a thing to be.
"Raccoon Killer? Now that doesn't sound so dreary!"

Milestones

1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.

Now Hiring

James Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore.

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3.	Networking For Assholes Kelly Ward
4.	Spanish For the Impotent Dean Harmon
5.	The Dysfunctional Family Who Could Not Suppress Their Problems For One Lousy Thanksgiving Rupert Baird

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