Radiation Plantation

by Winston C. Mars

October 13, 2003

"Radiation Plantation,"
I spoke the information.

"Scott?"

Scott blew snot on a pink carnation.

"Ready the gammaram,
and prepare for floatation."

"Aye aye, captain,"
he replied as he spied a crustacean.

So at last we'd found it,
in the deepest of space!

This holiest of grails,
the prey in our chaseâ€¦

Who'd have believed it!
Real, and true?
Nobody! But you were all wrong! And screw you!

Pausing to blink in the thick radiation,
I surveyed the scene with a keen adulation.

The orange peaks protruding from a backdrop so drabâ€”
"Scott, now goddammit! Don't kick that space crab!"

Christ! On the cusp of a discovery so vast
it would make the wheel itself seem half-assed,

I was cursed with a first mate so wantonly inept
that I put down my somascope and wantonly wept!

No good! No use! Might as well pack it in!
My half-life had been wasted, chucked in the waste bin.

Twenty long years been spent in pursuitâ€¦
Now the ass of my dreams was being kicked with a boot!

The free energy here could boggle the brain,
with atomic atoms and radiant rain.

It could power a nation and make a man rich.
"Scott, stop rolling around in that space ditch!"

It's useless, it's hopeless! It's patently absurd!
There he is throwing rocks at a space bird!

A competent crewman would be my salvation.
Oh, I picked the wrong weekend to ask for visitation!

"What is it now Scott? Can't you see I'm distraught?
With no way to prove that I was here or not?

The mission's a failure, no one will believe
that I ever found this place. Now let's us just leave!"

"You found me a present, well yippie and woo-hoo.

Wait, this is the space shell of a radiant shrew!

It's only found hereâ€¦ our failure undone!

Oh what a genius I have for a son!"

Milestones

1993: Ramon Nootles graduates from San Dimas Community College with a degree in Questionable Journalism, the first degree of its kind offered in America, and a minor in Poontang Studies.

Now Hiring

Iron Monkey. We saw the movie and thought the ancient Chinese legend might be the guy to get the ninja we hired out of our offices. Lame-ass ninja, poison-darting Lefty the mail clerk and skittering across the tops of the computer towers.

Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion

1.	"Oh My Godâ€”you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2.	"I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3.	"Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4.	"Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5.	"That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6.	"You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguyâ€”don't think I've forgotten."
7.	"Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8.	"The old gymnasium still smells like burned fleshâ€”what memories!"
9.	"So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10.	"Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."

The Insomnia of Ransom Ripple
Ransom Ripple's twisted nipples kept him from his sleep. The night was long, as Ransom's thong straight up his ass would creep. An incessant dripping at his ears was nipping, as it echoed from the sink. "This noisy room will be my... (9/29/03)

Nature
Lovely limping little lepers like to lick my Dr Pepper. Lice feel nice as honey-nuts buzz right up a buzzard's butt. Screaming beetles weave through weevils so rude they chewed all my Big League Chew. "Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers ... (9/15/03)

Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)