03/3/26
Big brother's little brother
|  Radiation Plantationby Winston C. Mars   October 13, 2003 "Radiation Plantation,"
I spoke the information. "Scott?" Scott blew snot on a pink carnation. "Ready the gammaram, and prepare for floatation." "Aye aye, captain," he replied as he spied a crustacean. So at last we'd found it, in the deepest of space! This holiest of grails, the prey in our chase… Who'd have believed it! Real, and true? Nobody! But you were all wrong! And screw you! Pausing to blink in the thick radiation, I surveyed the scene with a keen adulation. The orange peaks protruding from a backdrop so drab— "Scott, now goddammit! Don't kick that space crab!" Christ! On the cusp of a discovery so vast it would make the wheel itself seem half-assed, I was cursed with a first mate so wantonly inept that I put down my somascope and wantonly wept! No good! No use! Might as well pack it in! My half-life had been wasted, chucked in the waste bin. Twenty long years been spent in pursuit… Now the ass of my dreams was being kicked with a boot! The free energy here could boggle the brain, with atomic atoms and radiant rain. It could power a nation and make a man rich. "Scott, stop rolling around in that space ditch!" It's useless, it's hopeless! It's patently absurd! There he is throwing rocks at a space bird! A competent crewman would be my salvation. Oh, I picked the wrong weekend to ask for visitation! "What is it now Scott? Can't you see I'm distraught? With no way to prove that I was here or not? The mission's a failure, no one will believe that I ever found this place. Now let's us just leave!" "You found me a present, well yippie and woo-hoo. Wait, this is the space shell of a radiant shrew! It's only found here… our failure undone! Oh what a genius I have for a son!" Quote of the Day“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”-Mark Twaint Fortune 500 CookieThis is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and …wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?Try again later. What Was That Guy Screaming?
 The Insomnia of Ransom Ripple Ransom Ripple's twisted nipples kept him from his sleep. The night was long, as Ransom's thong straight up his ass would creep. An incessant dripping at his ears was nipping, as it echoed from the sink. "This noisy room will be my... (9/29/03) Nature Lovely limping little lepers like to lick my Dr Pepper. Lice feel nice as honey-nuts buzz right up a buzzard's butt. Screaming beetles weave through weevils so rude they chewed all my Big League Chew. "Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers ... (9/15/03) Waiter! "A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.