Radiation Plantation

by Winston C. Mars

October 13, 2003

"Radiation Plantation,"
I spoke the information.

"Scott?"

Scott blew snot on a pink carnation.

"Ready the gammaram,
and prepare for floatation."

"Aye aye, captain,"
he replied as he spied a crustacean.

So at last we'd found it,
in the deepest of space!

This holiest of grails,
the prey in our chaseâ€¦

Who'd have believed it!
Real, and true?
Nobody! But you were all wrong! And screw you!

Pausing to blink in the thick radiation,
I surveyed the scene with a keen adulation.

The orange peaks protruding from a backdrop so drabâ€”
"Scott, now goddammit! Don't kick that space crab!"

Christ! On the cusp of a discovery so vast
it would make the wheel itself seem half-assed,

I was cursed with a first mate so wantonly inept
that I put down my somascope and wantonly wept!

No good! No use! Might as well pack it in!
My half-life had been wasted, chucked in the waste bin.

Twenty long years been spent in pursuitâ€¦
Now the ass of my dreams was being kicked with a boot!

The free energy here could boggle the brain,
with atomic atoms and radiant rain.

It could power a nation and make a man rich.
"Scott, stop rolling around in that space ditch!"

It's useless, it's hopeless! It's patently absurd!
There he is throwing rocks at a space bird!

A competent crewman would be my salvation.
Oh, I picked the wrong weekend to ask for visitation!

"What is it now Scott? Can't you see I'm distraught?
With no way to prove that I was here or not?

The mission's a failure, no one will believe
that I ever found this place. Now let's us just leave!"

"You found me a present, well yippie and woo-hoo.

Wait, this is the space shell of a radiant shrew!

It's only found hereâ€¦ our failure undone!

Oh what a genius I have for a son!"

Quote of the Day

“Don't stop eating out tomorrow. Don't stop, the fries will soon be here. The food'll be better than before. Breakfast is gone, breakfast is gone.”

-Fleetwood MacDonalds

Fortune 500 Cookie

Don't give up on your search for unconditional love this week: it's keeping the rest of us amused. Try finding a breakfast cereal that doesn't contain quite so much garlic. You will be arrested for taking off your pants this week, and assaulted by the stranger you take them off of. This week's lucky way- underground dance moves: The Drunken Swordfish, The Statue, Degenerative Disc Failure, The Herpe, Clap Your Thighs Say Ouch, The Go Home Alone, The I'm Getting My Ass Kicked This Ain't a Dance Move Please For the Love of God Help Me.

Try again later.

5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped

1.	My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.	You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.	Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.	If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.	Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)

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