Suffering succotash and other unfortunate vegetables, America! Roland McShyster here and we're back for another hermetically sealed bag of entertainment goodness. What has Hollywood got under the heat lamps for us this week? As usual, it's their dry rubbery best and we're here to sort out the inedible from the kinda okay. Let's take a look at the movies:


In Theaters



The House of the Dead

I'm going to go ahead and go out on a limb here to say this is hands-down the scariest and most accurate Grateful Dead documentary to date. Focusing mainly on the scary butt-funk chateau the band lived in communally until Jerry Garcia's death, the film also serves as a haunting overview of the band's career. The filmmakers use extensive archive footage to chilling effect, including clips from when the Dead played the same song for three terrifying hours during a concert in Montreal in 1988. Also of interest to Dead fans and horror fans alike is the extremely early footage of the band as teens, jamming on "Polly Wolly Doodle" for a day and a half.

Intolerable Cruelty

When the original Cruel Intentions was released in 1999, few thought it would spawn a franchise that has included over twenty films. But moviegoers have kept coming back for more emotionally hurtful antics over the years, making hits of Cruel Intentions 2, Be Cruel to Your School, Back to Cruel, Cruel Hand Luke, and Cruel Runnings. The latest installment in the franchise offers more of the same, the bitter mayhem skewing a bit older with George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones in the lead roles as the filmmakers hope to tap into the lucrative "deceitful 32 to 51-year-old" demographic.

Kill Bill Vol. 1

As usual, Quentin Tarantino has his cock on the pulse of the zeitgeist with his latest film, a jazzy mix of karate, technology, and Snapple commercial antics. This time around, Uma Thurman loses it while downloading the 10,000th patch for Windows XP, thanks to the discovery of a security weakness that allows hackers to use your PC to enter your womb and steal your eggs. As we all have at one time or another, she decides to kill Bill Gates and sets out on a cross-country karate rampage to bring the trillionaire nerd some street justice. Does she succeed? What are you, a gimp? The guy weighs like ninety pounds, I'm only surprised the movie was so long.

Miss Tick River

This heart-rendering drama from director Clint Eastwood is something like a cross between Deliverance and Straw Dogs, a combo like peanut butter and applesauce that nobody was asking for. Big-city smoothie Sean Penn marries a small town beauty queen from some awful redneck backwoods, only to discover that all her neighbors and most of her family like guys with a purty mouth. The plot makes a Peanuts comic strip look unpredictable, but Oscar nominations are still expected since Penn plays a character who isn't afraid to show his feminine (ass) side.

Runaway Jury

Plausibility gets smacked around like a redheaded stepchild in this Runaway Bride knock-off, which takes the crown from The Lion King as the worst film ever to show Gene Hackman's bare ass cheeks. Runaway Jury starts out amicably enough, with the story of a trial that's been dragging on for years with no explanation. Then comes the rub: Every time the moment comes for them to read the verdict, the jury gets cold feet and splits from the courthouse in a hurry, usually piling onto a trolley that pulls away right before the judges and reporters can run out into the street and wave their fists. It's a good idea, but after the third trial you get kind of tired of hearing that Beatles song again and again and start to hope the jury will run out in front of a bus.


And that's all the salami they're selling this week, gents and lady-types. Hope to see you back for more the next time our Entertainment Police truck comes "Farmer and the Dell"-ing its way through your neighborhood!

September 29, 2003
Welcome back to me, America! Roland McShyster here, after the hiatus to end all hiatuses… hiati… hiya-hyacinth… uh, all multiples of hiatus! I'm back and on the attack, feeling refreshed after six weeks of boxin' and detoxin', as the saying... (9/29/03)

September 15, 2003
Hello commune readers, and welcome to mile three of the Orson Welch movie-review marathon. Can we make it to the finish line? Nobody knows, and even fewer care, but still we trek bravely onward. Not even the howls of derisive mockery, nor the... (9/15/03)

September 1, 2003
Welcome back readers, Orson Welch here again. Hope you haven't had to sit through anything horrible since the last time we met. To answer the common question in the reader emails I received this week, yes, Roland McShyster is still on hiatus and... (9/1/03)

August 18, 2003
Hello, commune readers and wayward porn seekers. Orson Welch typing to you from the soothing beige confines of my suburban home. I'll be filling in for the commune's regular film reviewer for the time being, as his recent lost weekend has stretched... (8/18/03)

August 4, 2003
Well how the hell are ya, America? Excuse my saucy tone, but I'm fuckin' smashed. That's right… wait, what were we talking about? Movies! Blow 'em out your ass, America! I'm fuckin' sick of movies, this week we're going to review vegetables.... (8/4/03)