The Insomnia of Ransom Ripple

by Ulysses P. Crackbutter

September 29, 2003

Ransom Ripple's twisted nipples
kept him from his sleep.
The night was long,
as Ransom's thong
straight up his ass would creep.

An incessant dripping
at his ears was nipping,
as it echoed from the sink.
"This noisy room
will be my doom!"
was all that he could think.

The words to a song,
like a clanging gong,
rang and jiggled his brain.
"This tune will be
the death of me!"
he was heard to complain.

He counted sheep,
then counted Jeep,
then counted jellybeans.
But then he remembered
once being dismemberedâ€¦
"I wonder what that means?"

Ransom Ripple's toe was crippled
and he had to pee.
His nose did whistle
like an incoming missile,
And he thought "God please kill me!"

But just when he'd conceded
that he'd get no sleep that he needed,
and resigned himself to silently weepâ€¦
the strangest thing happened.

He dropped off into a nap and
dreamt that he couldn't fall asleep.

Milestones

1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.

Now Hiring

Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.

Top Easter Memories

1.	Stuffing all those eggs up the bunny's ass. For the children.
2.	Knee-deep in Peeps.
3.	Kicked out of church for eating wooden Jesus. Thought it was chocolate.
4.	I'll be damned, family really can tell ham from Spam.
5.	Boil the eggs next year. Sweet Jesus, boil the motherloving eggs.

Nature
Lovely limping little lepers like to lick my Dr Pepper. Lice feel nice as honey-nuts buzz right up a buzzard's butt. Screaming beetles weave through weevils so rude they chewed all my Big League Chew. "Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers ... (9/15/03)

Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)

What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler-- I use it when I have to, but I try not to be wasteful, lest the staples disappear I rarely use my Scotch tape; most things have to be stapled. I use paperclips aplenty, but my tape might last all year The... (8/18/03)