You need a newer browser.

09/17/25   
The next last big thing

Get Me on the Next Plane to Nigeria!

by Denny Lombowski
bio/email
September 29, 2003
I'm sure you've all heard the latest news and controversy coming out of Nigeria, about how that lady was gonna get stoned because she did some dude before they got married. All I can say is if lighting up a jay is these people's idea of punishment, then get me on the next plane to Nigeria!

I'm serious, this sounds like my kind of country. What do they do if you rob a bank, give you a blowjob? I can't believe nobody told me about this place before, all those lucky Nigerian pricks have been over there living the good life and keeping it all for themselves. And for how long? As soon as I get over there, I'm gonna give those guys some serious shit while I'm looking for a married chick to score with. They could have at least sent me a postcard or something, spread the wealth and all, instead of leaving me kicking around Puritanical America like some kind of yutz.

It's about time somebody got it right, you'd think with all the dozens of countries out there eventually somebody would've come up with a set of laws that didn't suck. It makes you wonder what else they've figured out over there, like maybe instead of parking tickets they give back massages. I could live with that. Or if they catch you stealing a VCR they give you like a million VCRs until you're sick of them, like my dad did the time he caught me stealing cookies when I was five. To this day I still can't see a cookie without retching, but at the time I thought that was a pretty sweet punishment.

They're way into Islam over there, which from what I hear involves listening to a lot of Bob Marley and taking it easy. Right on. Actually, I've been doing a little reading up on Islam lately, and let me tell you it's pretty sweet. Any religion that recognizes Muhammad Ali as the supreme badass is all right in my book. It definitely puts a quick end to all those "my savior could beat up your savior" arguments, smart move on Islam's part.

The nice thing about living in a country that has religious law is that they've got way more loopholes that a dude in the know can exploit. Like if they make you get stoned for having sex with a married chick, then it only stands to reason that if they catch you smoking a doob they'll make you pick out some married hottie for a night of adulterous Muslim passion. Score! That may sound strange to our Christian ears, but that's the way it works over there, it's in their Bible thing. And all that shit goes both ways, like Elton John.

You know it's a different kind of country when their biggest national industry is an Internet chain-letter scam. Right on. Like they're gonna be able to say shit about the ten-foot-high pot plants growing in my backyard when their own government makes its dough scamming Ohio housewives out of their bingo money. Talk about dudes living in some serious glass houses. I don't know if that "stone-throwing" proverb is in their Bible too or not, but I'm sure they've at least got some kind of "pot calling the kettle black" saying, since I hear there's a lot of black guys living over there.

The black factor alone might worry some Americans, but not yours truly. It's not like I'm planning on living on the shady side of Nigeria, whichever side that is. I'm sure it's a lot like here, and once I get my bearings and figure out where the white people live I'll be golden. I might still have to cruise through "Little Chicago" or whatever they call the black part of Nigeria if there's a sale on Reeboks or something, but as long as I keep my windows rolled up it should be no problem.

Nigeria, here I come!


Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


Try again later.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.Abe Lincoln: Tall Motherfucker
2.Michael Jackson's Dating Tips
3.The Dog Did It: A Dummy's Guide to Solar Wind
4.Uncle Macho's Pepperoni Puree
5.A Tedious Summation of All Your Flaws: Past, Present and Future
Archives
You Belittle Us All
Quiet now, George. The whiney nasal voice, the croaking complaining, all of it. You embarrass us both, and I won't stand for it anymore. So what if you have to go to the bathroom and can't? Nobody cares. There—harsh, but high time someone said... (6/23/03)

Who's Up for a Little Old School Rap?
There's nothing I love more than entertaining—and there's nothing more entertaining than rap music. Not that modern nonsense with the f-word used over and over again, and calling ladies female dogs. I'm talking about true rap. Old school... (1/6/03)

Everyone's Half-Assing the Christmas Spirit
Not to shit on everyone's Christmas spirit, but it just seems like no one is making an effort anymore. All year long I look forward to gathering up the toys and, quite frankly, busting my balls to get all the stuff to everyone and there doesn't seem... (12/23/02)

If I Were a Carpenter I Would Build You a Home Out of My Heart
Nancy, sweet Nancy—my heart beats for you and you alone. To see that smile of yours, though the teeth are somewhat crooked, is the only thing worth living for. I would do anything in the world to show you the vastness of my love, like Brando's... (12/9/02)

more