Nature

by Violet Tiara

September 15, 2003

Lovely limping little lepers
like to lick my Dr Pepper.
Lice feel nice as honey-nuts
buzz right up a buzzard's butt.

Screaming beetles
weave through weevils
so rude they chewed
all my Big League Chew.
"Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers
'cause I just made some weevil jam.

My own mother's been sending me Spamâ€”
Ma'am, I can only fry so much spiced ham!
"Goddamn!" that ram likes Spam.
"Get him a bib!" Shut up, I am.

Nothing's as funny as Quakers in nature
with big-ass hats and no coffee maker.
Prepare to meet your maker, Quaker,
those bears can smell that you're a faker.

Butterflies ring septic skies
like jellied lies at Mai-Tai time.
Dragonflies who thought it wise
bob in my drink with drowning cries.

"Nature's a reamed dream,"
screams a beam of impure light.
"You bet your bed on a cock fight,
so you've got no right to prophesize."

Carneys copulate with a cornucopiaâ€¦
This is a sorry excuse for Ethiopia!
Piss on this, I declare that nature is bunk!
And it smells like somebody puked on a skunk.
Camping with carneys and Quakers?
A fool's proposition!

Now get me the hell out of hereâ€”
and don't spare the ammunition!

Milestones

2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.

Now Hiring

Director of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.

5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped

1.	My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.	You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.	Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.	If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.	Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)

Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)

What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler-- I use it when I have to, but I try not to be wasteful, lest the staples disappear I rarely use my Scotch tape; most things have to be stapled. I use paperclips aplenty, but my tape might last all year The... (8/18/03)

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear. The bedroom was silent while in calculations violent Theodore did ponder his fate.... (8/4/03)