Nature

by Violet Tiara

September 15, 2003

Lovely limping little lepers
like to lick my Dr Pepper.
Lice feel nice as honey-nuts
buzz right up a buzzard's butt.

Screaming beetles
weave through weevils
so rude they chewed
all my Big League Chew.
"Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers
'cause I just made some weevil jam.

My own mother's been sending me Spamâ€”
Ma'am, I can only fry so much spiced ham!
"Goddamn!" that ram likes Spam.
"Get him a bib!" Shut up, I am.

Nothing's as funny as Quakers in nature
with big-ass hats and no coffee maker.
Prepare to meet your maker, Quaker,
those bears can smell that you're a faker.

Butterflies ring septic skies
like jellied lies at Mai-Tai time.
Dragonflies who thought it wise
bob in my drink with drowning cries.

"Nature's a reamed dream,"
screams a beam of impure light.
"You bet your bed on a cock fight,
so you've got no right to prophesize."

Carneys copulate with a cornucopiaâ€¦
This is a sorry excuse for Ethiopia!
Piss on this, I declare that nature is bunk!
And it smells like somebody puked on a skunk.
Camping with carneys and Quakers?
A fool's proposition!

Now get me the hell out of hereâ€”
and don't spare the ammunition!

Quote of the Day

“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”

-Dan Quayle

Fortune 500 Cookie

Don't stop thinking about tomorrowâ€”we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heartâ€”baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.

Try again later.

Top Phil Spector Trial Revelations

1.	Spector threatens to shoot all his visitors in the mouth if they leaveâ€”get the fuck over it already
2.	Middle-aged Spector traded "Wall of Sound" for "Wall of Hair"
3.	Yes, everyone in L.A. really is as crazy as you've heard
4.	Spector goes through pizza delivery guys like you wouldn't believe
5.	No you're thinking of "Help Me Rhonda," "Da Doo Ron Ron" goes "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron"

Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)

What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler-- I use it when I have to, but I try not to be wasteful, lest the staples disappear I rarely use my Scotch tape; most things have to be stapled. I use paperclips aplenty, but my tape might last all year The... (8/18/03)

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear. The bedroom was silent while in calculations violent Theodore did ponder his fate.... (8/4/03)