Nature

by Violet Tiara

September 15, 2003

Lovely limping little lepers
like to lick my Dr Pepper.
Lice feel nice as honey-nuts
buzz right up a buzzard's butt.

Screaming beetles
weave through weevils
so rude they chewed
all my Big League Chew.
"Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers
'cause I just made some weevil jam.

My own mother's been sending me Spamâ€”
Ma'am, I can only fry so much spiced ham!
"Goddamn!" that ram likes Spam.
"Get him a bib!" Shut up, I am.

Nothing's as funny as Quakers in nature
with big-ass hats and no coffee maker.
Prepare to meet your maker, Quaker,
those bears can smell that you're a faker.

Butterflies ring septic skies
like jellied lies at Mai-Tai time.
Dragonflies who thought it wise
bob in my drink with drowning cries.

"Nature's a reamed dream,"
screams a beam of impure light.
"You bet your bed on a cock fight,
so you've got no right to prophesize."

Carneys copulate with a cornucopiaâ€¦
This is a sorry excuse for Ethiopia!
Piss on this, I declare that nature is bunk!
And it smells like somebody puked on a skunk.
Camping with carneys and Quakers?
A fool's proposition!

Now get me the hell out of hereâ€”
and don't spare the ammunition!

Quote of the Day

“I can't quit you babeâ€¦ you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaactâ€¦ oh yes you do oh yes you doâ€¦ your early termination fees are givin' me the bluesâ€¦ I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeahâ€¦ I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in twoâ€¦”

-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."

Try again later.

Top Reasons for Quitting Your Job

1.	Nobody likes my dancing
2.	Lunch hour five minutes too short
3.	Work keeps getting in way of Star Trek marathon
4.	Time clock too high to reach
5.	Sick of endless "get dressed, get undressed" grind

Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)

What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler-- I use it when I have to, but I try not to be wasteful, lest the staples disappear I rarely use my Scotch tape; most things have to be stapled. I use paperclips aplenty, but my tape might last all year The... (8/18/03)

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear. The bedroom was silent while in calculations violent Theodore did ponder his fate.... (8/4/03)