Waiter!

by Skippy LeBonne

September 1, 2003

"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve.

"Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted."

"Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said.

"Choose? I ought not. Hey, have you met the redhead I caught sleeping on my cot?"

Nate's spate of dates elated Ted who, sated, rated aphids one to ten. A four wined and dined a nine, then mated, milked and bilked her.

"Sad, that fat cad," Ted lamented the male's betrayal. "You shoulda seen that green machine, a real operator. Waiter!"

"Later, sir. Later." The waiter didn't wait.

"I only wanted the quota of soda water afforded my daughter, that which I bought her. Did you see that? That guy looked at me like I was an otter potter," grumped Ted.

"Please, he's only busy tonight," read Ed as he looked in his book. "It's a lonely sight, you sitting here with beer in your tears."

"Cheers," Ted said to Ed, whose otter was dead.

Ed puffed a cigar he'd lit in the car.

"Smoke not lest ye be smoked," joked Ted, the smell already swelling his head.

"Well hell, Ted, these smell just swell. Can't you tell?" he asked as Ted fell.

Nate's plate nearly wrecked when Ted hit the deck. "What the heck, Ted? You almost made me jump and dump my rump!"

"Sorry for the bump," said Ted, feeling like a chump, cursing and nursing his lump. "I guess I'll just breathe later. Waiter!"

Milestones

1969: Red Bagel finds true calling when he stumbles on to faked moon landing being filmed in his local neighborhood YMCA.

Now Hiring

Ring-Bearer. Seeking meek carrier of unholy evil, pure of heart and with will to accomplish impossible deed. Three references and two years of experience necessary, start at minimum wage.

Top Worst Opening Lines to Novels

1.	It was the best of times, no question about it.
2.	Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother.
3.	I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa
4.	I have only eaten three people in my lifeâ€”this is that story.
5.	So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it.

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