Waiter!

by Skippy LeBonne

September 1, 2003

"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve.

"Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted."

"Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said.

"Choose? I ought not. Hey, have you met the redhead I caught sleeping on my cot?"

Nate's spate of dates elated Ted who, sated, rated aphids one to ten. A four wined and dined a nine, then mated, milked and bilked her.

"Sad, that fat cad," Ted lamented the male's betrayal. "You shoulda seen that green machine, a real operator. Waiter!"

"Later, sir. Later." The waiter didn't wait.

"I only wanted the quota of soda water afforded my daughter, that which I bought her. Did you see that? That guy looked at me like I was an otter potter," grumped Ted.

"Please, he's only busy tonight," read Ed as he looked in his book. "It's a lonely sight, you sitting here with beer in your tears."

"Cheers," Ted said to Ed, whose otter was dead.

Ed puffed a cigar he'd lit in the car.

"Smoke not lest ye be smoked," joked Ted, the smell already swelling his head.

"Well hell, Ted, these smell just swell. Can't you tell?" he asked as Ted fell.

Nate's plate nearly wrecked when Ted hit the deck. "What the heck, Ted? You almost made me jump and dump my rump!"

"Sorry for the bump," said Ted, feeling like a chump, cursing and nursing his lump. "I guess I'll just breathe later. Waiter!"

Quote of the Day

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”

-Mark Twaint

Fortune 500 Cookie

This is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and â€¦wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?

Try again later.

Top Rejected Cars

1.	Honda Pfffttpp
2.	Chevy Crack Ho
3.	Chrysler on the Cross
4.	Ford Theater
5.	He Ain't Chevy He's My Brother

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