Cyantology

Science has a whole mess of marvels packed in its little matchbox o' marvels, sure enough. One of them is 'lectricity. The other is aerobics. Okay, you caught Ned in a fib, there is more. Like cantaloupe and nuclear nachos. How they get that cheese so orange? Ned thinks science must melt down Nerf balls in them cheese factories, right as rain. Musta been some Nerfless childrens crying that night.

But for certain the squirmiest of all marvels is them bugs.

Bugs is a wide variety of critters who come from the bugle kingdom. Lots of 'em there are, twelve varieties. These is the flying bugs, the crawling bugs, the hopping bugs, them dancing bugs, and the other eight varieties that move in ways unnamed by science.

Bugs has done some amazing things, like eat Hitler's mustache right off his face in the Bible. True story what was in them trailers for the Bible but got left out the book. Shame too, being Neddle's favorite part after the bit where Jesus turns on the fire hydrant for them kids to play in on that hot day. Nobody said that Jesus weren't a stand up guy. 'cepting maybe them Romans what gave him the axe and all.

Pissed-off June bugs is the best untapped source of energy unknowns to man. Enough of them tied with strings could drag a train car from here to the bottom of the Potomac and back, no sweat. Because bugs don't sweat, it's not polite. And bugs is nothing if not polite, though they do turn a blind batch of eyes toward barfin up on food, Ned's noticed.

Weevils wobble but they don't fall down. Strange but true. That is, unless you smash one with a phone book, and you count smearing on upholstery as "falling down." Then I suppose they do.

Gnats never fall down, because they're just imaginary. Like little insane periods floatin' about. You can wave, but they ain't goin' nowheres. Stickin' around like the little beach midgets in your brain, just waitin' to pounce. Damnit gnats.

Only thing a gnat is good for is collectin' a bunch in a jar and use it to make that Tang, which is imaginary beverage named for spelling "gnat" backwards. It's just a drink same as tap water, but you imagine it being all orange and sweet just the same. Them astronauts had to get good at drinkin' Tang before they was ready to go up in imaginary space and pretend to have adventures.

But probably the most useful of all them twelve bugs is the fly, which is made into zippers for pants through a process called Martianization. Beats Ned how that all works, but thanks to Betsy there is somethin' other than scotch tape holding them pants up.

Ned doesn't see that working for too long.

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