Hello, commune readers and wayward porn seekers. Orson Welch typing to you from the soothing beige confines of my suburban home. I'll be filling in for the commune's regular film reviewer for the time being, as his recent lost weekend has stretched into a lost two-week period, with no signs of slowing down. the commune recently hired me away from my regular freelance gig, posting film critiques at Amazon.com and IMDB, as well as less-trafficked hotbeds of film discussion such as Epinions.com and the American Cancer Association website. Unlike certain commune film reviewers who will remain unnamed, I have actually seen all of this week's movies, and will do everything within my power to review them in an informed, balanced, and fair manner.

You may wonder why I'm typing this to you from the beige comfort of my suburban home, rather than a more official locale such as the commune's home offices. Fair enough. Well, for starters, I did visit the commune offices last week and it was a scene that would best be described as the Muppet show on acid. I can't imagine getting any serious work done there. Additionally, my mom's car is in the shop this week and I shant ride the bus again. So let's dispatch with the formalities, roll up our sleeves and get dirty with this week's new releases.


In Theaters



American Splendor

A steaming turd baked at 375 degrees for exactly an hour and forty-one minutes. AS tells the story of Cleveland Hospital file clerk Harvey Pekar, who shouldn't have quit his day job, and didn't, so he scores some points there. But we really need to come up with some clever pithy way of telling someone to quit their non-paying underground comics job. I liked the film for a while because it reminded me of the similarly themed Crumb, but was seriously disappointed when Pekar forgot to kill himself at the end. Paul Giamatti stinks up the screen as usual.

Freddy vs. Jason

The scariest thing about this movie is that at some point somebody was excited about the idea. Narrowing down who exactly that was can be tough, however, so you don't know where to send the laxative fruitcake. This cornucrapia had more writers than The New Yorker, and is almost as insipid. You can't really blame the director, since it's nearly impossible to take a picture of a pig's ass and make it look like a Gucci handbag. The success or bung-rattling failure of this picture will most likely determine the fate of the potentially upcoming film Alien vs. Predator, and could open the door for other such mind-expanding premises as Terminator vs. the Matrix, Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings and Legally Blonde vs. Clueless. Personally, I'm waiting for Hollywood vs. America, the film that finally answers the question of which side has more animosity for the other.

Grind

Skateboarding may not be a crime, but skateboarding movies come pretty darn close in my book. Leave it to a bunch of undersexed boardmonkeys to make a movie so bad it actually degrades the name of a long-since-cancelled MTV dance show. I'm giving all you guys detention.

Open Range

Kevin Costner should just get over it and have sex with a horse; I hear it's not even that expensive if you go down to Mexico and hire a guide who knows where the sexy horses live.

Shaolin Soccer

A riveting blend of soccer and kung fu that begs the question: Who bothered to breastfeed these sorry bastards?

Uptown Girls

Brittany Murphy proves she's the greatest thing to come along since the last can't-act flash in the pan to drop a cow pie on America's living room floor in this latest waste of California's precious electricity. I'd recap the plot but trust me, you can't afford to get any dumber.


And that's a wrap, readers far and near. Hope you all enjoyed the education. We'll be back again with more in two weeks, unless that godforsaken Internet worm blows another poop-hole out the back of my computer system between now and then. Cross your fingers.

August 4, 2003
Well how the hell are ya, America? Excuse my saucy tone, but I'm fuckin' smashed. That's right… wait, what were we talking about? Movies! Blow 'em out your ass, America! I'm fuckin' sick of movies, this week we're going to review vegetables.... (8/4/03)

July 21, 2003
Glad you finally came around, America, welcome back to Entertainment Police. What have we got for you this week? Well, before we get to that, you ever notice how I always refer to the column by "this week" when we all damn well know it only runs... (7/21/03)

July 7, 2003
All right, America, who's hungry for a movie? And I don't mean just a "popcorn" movie, as the saying goes, I'm talking a juicy, full-bodied meal of a movie. One that if you watched it every day, in ten years you'd shit out a strange, grayish thing... (7/7/03)

June 23, 2003
Crock 'a shitty-shit, America. Welcome back to Entertainment Police as we continue our wincing appraisal of this summer's ball-busting Hollywood lineup. Why the glum look? Have you been to the movies lately? This is the time of the year when the big... (6/23/03)

June 9, 2003
Howdy-Doody, America, and welcome back for another peek up the entertainment skirt. We here at Entertainment Police, and I use the term "we" loosely since I mean only me, hope you've been enjoying the blockbuster season so far and are ready for a... (6/9/03)