What Holds It All Together

by E.L. Pout

August 18, 2003

I'm careful with my stapler--
I use it when I have to,
but I try not to be wasteful,
lest the staples disappear

I rarely use my Scotch tape;
most things have to be stapled.
I use paperclips aplenty,
but my tape might last all year

The rubber bands are useful--
I find I use them daily.
Though binder clips are better,
I can't always find them here

Those paperclips I spoke of
could be the most important--
my need for them is greater
than you'd think; I hold them dear.

Quote of the Day

“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”

-Gorgeous George Spatten

Fortune 500 Cookie

Prepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20â€”don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.

Try again later.

Worst Things to Yell in Church

1.	"Who the hell I gotta fuck to get a communion wafer around here?"
2.	"Father, bless me for I have pissed the confessional againâ€¦"
3.	"Altar boy sleepover? Bitchin'!"
4.	"Gawd, did you see that dude up there nailed to that cross? Creeeep-y!"
5.	"Am I the only one here for the monster truck show?"

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear. The bedroom was silent while in calculations violent Theodore did ponder his fate.... (8/4/03)

America the Beautifart
O beautiful farts stained the skies, For lumber made of brains, For purple Muppet maggot fleas A dove went fruity--GAY! America! America! God shaves his balls with thee. And this other dude Had a brother who'd Frenched a seal in the... (7/21/03)

Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping rose though no alarm was beeping and made a sandwich of apple cores, which he chewed between the snores. Incessantly talking while sleepwalking, Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis a regional club pro, who, you know, ... (7/7/03)