What Holds It All Together

by E.L. Pout

August 18, 2003

I'm careful with my stapler--
I use it when I have to,
but I try not to be wasteful,
lest the staples disappear

I rarely use my Scotch tape;
most things have to be stapled.
I use paperclips aplenty,
but my tape might last all year

The rubber bands are useful--
I find I use them daily.
Though binder clips are better,
I can't always find them here

Those paperclips I spoke of
could be the most important--
my need for them is greater
than you'd think; I hold them dear.

Milestones

2002: Office prick and former Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley successfully turns 30, leading us on an endless week-long binge of bitching, moaning, and strange acts of vandalism we hope not to repeat this year.

Now Hiring

Big Fat Patsy. 'Cause we're not taking the rap for this, see. We must look like a real all-day sucker to you, yeah, a sucker, with a big fat wrapper. Boy, should we have seen it coming! Played like a two-bit piano from day one. Backstabbing dames need not apply.

Least Popular Summer Blockbusters

1.	The Matrix Redundant
2.	X3: X-Men Vs. Triple X, an all-new X-File featuring your ex-wife
3.	Finding Chemo
4.	Sylvester Stallone starring in (anything)
5.	Hollywood Homicide

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear. The bedroom was silent while in calculations violent Theodore did ponder his fate.... (8/4/03)

America the Beautifart
O beautiful farts stained the skies, For lumber made of brains, For purple Muppet maggot fleas A dove went fruity--GAY! America! America! God shaves his balls with thee. And this other dude Had a brother who'd Frenched a seal in the... (7/21/03)

Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping rose though no alarm was beeping and made a sandwich of apple cores, which he chewed between the snores. Incessantly talking while sleepwalking, Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis a regional club pro, who, you know, ... (7/7/03)