Wet the Ted

by Danson Macrane

August 4, 2003

Loosely Ted did wet the bed,
though none of the
neighbors could hear.
Not even when Teddy,
his day wrecked already,
wet the pillow with one salty tear.

The bedroom was silent
while in calculations violent
Theodore did ponder his fate.
Then spirit intravenous
did stoke up his genius
as he realized it wasn't too late.

He dressed in a flurry
as to indicate the hurry
and gathered his bed in a sack.
Then sneaking outside,
for neighbors he spied
as he hoisted the sack on his back.

He dashed to his Jeep
with the soiled wet heap
and flung it in the back with an grunt.
As it dropped with a slosh
nearby Ethel cried "Gosh!"
and Ted thought "I don't like that lady."

He drove to a Cliff
whose brother was Biff
and asked them if they'd stash this mess.
Cliff said no way
but he'd get the so say
of a far-away sister named Tess.

Instead Ted drove to The Dump,
which is the name that some chump
had given the neighborhood bar.
They turned Ted away
so he called upon Ray
who owned an abandoned old car.

Ray was too picky
to get his vinyl sticky
but he told poor Ted what to do.
"Write an email with the heading
'Please Help with Wet Bedding'
and sent it out to five million and two."

So Ted penned the Spam,
which was soon forwarded to Sam,
a copper assigned to the case.
The cops seized Ted's belongings,
which did satisfy his longings:
the peed sheets were removed from his place.

Quote of the Day

“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”

-Gorgeous George Spatten

Fortune 500 Cookie

Prepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20â€”don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.

Try again later.

Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips

1.	Carbs are like the devilâ€™s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.	After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.	Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, youâ€™ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you wonâ€™t be so upset when you find out youâ€™re still fat.
4.	Youâ€™re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.	At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.

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